a friend, is a friend, ... opinion?

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Dew, Aug 11, 2003.

  1. Dew

    Dew TPF Noob!

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2003
    Messages:
    1,688
    Likes Received:
    0
    my really good best friend of 10 yrs (next to my hubby) thought she met her future life partner (she's 30yrs, he's 37)... he's a great guy, treats her like a princess, more than a girl couldnt want...


    after him sending her a few emails, she noticed inconsistancies and mis-spellings.. she didnt think it was a big deal, could be a type-o ... then he started mis-spelling four letter words... a few weeks later she found out that her "dream man" cant read, he's illiterate.

    she doesnt know what to do and asked me for advice, i cant really help her because i've never been confronted with this kind of situation. she bought him some books at 4th grade level and every third word he stumbled ... he couldnt pronounce the word "off" ... he pronounced it as "of" ...

    he's 37 yrs old at this point ... do u think he can be helped since he's so far behind? ... if so, what kind of intervention would be neccesary to help him ... she's thinking of breaking up with him if nothing can be done ... u think this is fair?
     
  2. manda

    manda instigator of pottymouthedness

    Joined:
    May 25, 2003
    Messages:
    3,330
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    sydney
    oh god thats terrible dew
    this is just my opinion of course but i think breaking up with someone (especially if they are your "dream" person) because they have been failed by the education system/ or society is WRONG.

    of course he can learn
    of course he can be helped.
    if he wants to do it, then there are plenty of options for him.
    im positive there would be adult literacy programs in the States.
    they can help him.

    the main problem is whether he wants to do it, and whether he can. he may be dyslexic or have any number of problems that caused him to be illiterate. it happens for a reason.
    he may not want to go back over those problems, so they really need to talk about it seriously.
    she can help him to try and read but buying him books designed for children with kiddy pictures may only destroy his confidence and make him feel stupid.
    they need to go to a proper adult literacy centre. all they'd need to do is ring the local council or library and they could tell them how to go about it.

    the main thing id be concerned with is that she may say things now to really damage their relationship if she's already considering breaking up with him over it. people at 37 who appear "normal" in every other aspect of their life,arent illiterate because they are "dumb". its because something went wrong in their life that caused them to slip through.

    having a learning disability is hard enough without it then being the cause for the loss of a wonderful relationship :(

    sorry if i said too much, this just really upsets the romantic and teacher in me :(
     
  3. Destiny

    Destiny TPF Noob!

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2003
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Germany
    I'm also pretty sure there are courses for adults that can't read....at least we have them in germany....we even have spots on tv to make people aware of the fact that some persons are illiterate and that they shouldn't be left out, since there is a chance to help them.
    At least it would be extremely unfair to leave him just because of that...
     
  4. Dew

    Dew TPF Noob!

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2003
    Messages:
    1,688
    Likes Received:
    0
    im really shocked about this, i've never been confronted with this type of situation .. and she's not the type of person that has a lot of patience .. i'm trying to be fair as a person, but she's my friend and im concerned about her future and the lives of her potential children's future.

    she said to me that she wants to have children and he cant read them books or help them with their homework. i really feel sorry for this guy, but she's my friend and she's looking to me for advice.

    my hubby and i have discussed this in full depth over the past week ... he doesnt think its fair for her to dump him ... im not sure what she should do.. im torn.

    if it were my guy and i found this out when we first met, i would go the whole nine yards to help him, because i love him .. but i dont know if her love for him is that deep. ... she feels betrayed that he didnt come clean at first ... he said, "would u have continued to talk to me if i had?" ... she said, "probably not." ... he said, "so now ur gonna dump me because im stupid!" ... so he broke down and cried ... my heart goes out to him ... but i have lingering concerns about her future with him....

    she also bought him an interactive reading/spelling tutor for computer, but he cant read the directions.. he also has problems with punctuations, creating sentences, capitalization, knowing the difference between run on sentences and sentence structure, doesnt know what nouns and verbs are.


    basically, she wants to know if he can be helped at this point :(

    i'll research adult literacy programs in here area and give her some places to call ... this is a mess
     
  5. dlc

    dlc TPF Noob!

    Joined:
    May 14, 2003
    Messages:
    293
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Indianapolis IN
    If he realizes that his life will be better if he can read, and wants to learn, there are many places that he can learn and teaching techniques are very good. He will have so much more confidence and feel better about himself if he learns.
     
  6. Dew

    Dew TPF Noob!

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2003
    Messages:
    1,688
    Likes Received:
    0
    that must be horrible :(

    my hubby and i discussed this matter further and to be honest, we dont think he will want to change .. he's made it this far without question and has mastered this deception of hiding it from people ...

    i mean, she had pretty much planned her wedding with this guy. he has a new job, he does somewhat mechanical work (of 3 months) and just found out he has to start writing evaluations of himself. his writing and spelling is so bad, their gonna find out. ... she wants to help him write it, but i think it will continue to enable him to hide his "secret" ...

    he told her a story that he wanted to sign up for college classes, he showed up and found out that he had to take an entry exam (which is standard) ... he got up and walked out because he didnt want them to find out he couldn't read. :(
     
  7. Darfion

    Darfion Soapbox guru...

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2003
    Messages:
    1,498
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    Wigan, Lancashire
    Can others edit my Photos:
    Photos OK to edit
    Doesn't she think he might just be dyslexic? Why is Dyslexia such :roll: a hard word to spell?
     
  8. Dew

    Dew TPF Noob!

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2003
    Messages:
    1,688
    Likes Received:
    0
    its kinda hard to figure it out right now because he's still trying to deny it ... then he admitted that he was in learning disability classes all his life ... he was a foster child and was raised by his grandparents that had nothing more than a 6th grade education .. his mom was on drugs when she gave birth to him ....

    he can hide it some, because he's fairly well spoken (not a scholar, but decent) ... she gave me examples of exercises she went over with him ... she had him read this book, he was putting words in the sentence that werent there ... for example:

    Jane placed the doll on the bed

    he would read it aloud like this

    Joan pluced the daull on the bad


    she got so frustrated with him and started yelling at him ... "how could u not know this?" .. "this is basic remedial stuff!"

    i told her to not teach him because she doesnt have the training nor patience :roll: ... its already put a strain on their relationship ... she doesnt see him as her equal and their is no action going on at this point (if u know what i mean *smug*)

    but dyslexia could be something to consider ... keeping in mind, she just found this out one week ago ...
     
  9. Chase

    Chase I am now benign! Staff Member Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2003
    Messages:
    7,810
    Likes Received:
    51
    Location:
    Deep in the heart of Texas!
    Can others edit my Photos:
    Photos OK to edit
    When I first started to read your post, I really didn't expect the level of complexity that this involves.

    As I see it, there are a couple of key areas to this.

    1. Has he tried and put real effort into getting past this challenge? Is it a matter of the system failing him? If these are the case, I feel she should try to stick by him and help him through this. In this situation, however, I think it is really important for her to only play a supportive role and not personally try to help him. This is too delicate a situation for her to try to resolve and the best thing she can do is be there for support and to help make sure he gets help from professional people that know how to handle the situation, and to look for signs of various possible learning disabilities.

    2. The other possibility is that he has already given up. If this is the case, her pushing (or even just trying to help) can cause such a strain on their relationship that it may not be the best thing for either of them. I believe she at least needs to give things a try, but if she gets to a point where she honestly believe he has given up, it may be best for her to move on.

    It sounds really bad to say, and it definitely isn't the "politically correct" point of view, but people take care of themselves first. If you are trying to help someone that doesn't want to be helped, you'll fail both that person and yourself.

    Anyway, this has turned out to be a pretty long post...so I'll stop pretending like I know what I am talking about now. I'd be interested to know how things go...
     
  10. manda

    manda instigator of pottymouthedness

    Joined:
    May 25, 2003
    Messages:
    3,330
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    sydney
    Dew, if she wants the rship to continue at all, she needs to stop doing what she's doing.
    I'm a teacher, half of my class are kids with learning disabilities.
    She's already done some damage by yelling at him about it.

    Its up to him, not her. If he wants to go to college and wants to do other things that require him to read, then he needs to make that decision. He can't do any sort of course or anything by pretending he can do it.

    She needs to stop giving him the lessons. She's done exactly the WRONG thing and she's not helping him or herself. I think she needs to put herself in his shoes, if she can.

    This poor guy needs to do this for himself. He needs to come clean with his boss or he will lose his job because he's been lying to them. I really feel for this man and I hope he helps himself.
     
  11. Dew

    Dew TPF Noob!

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2003
    Messages:
    1,688
    Likes Received:
    0
    i have a question for u all ... please answer honestly

    ladies .. would u marry this man?
    guys, would u want ur daughter to marry this man?



    ... putting rights and wrongs aside...

    i honestly cant say that i would want my daughter to marry this man :? ... here's why ... he's reading at a 3-4th grade level now, lets say in about 3 yrs or so, he'd be reading at an 8th grade level (still behind) .. by fact he thought that he didnt need reading in his life shows character to me .. "im 37 yrs old, i dont need to read, i got this far" ... it shows me lack of empowerment and self preservation ... learning is a part of everyday life and if he's not willing to learn, then his mind is closed... if his mind is closed ... he's lost ... i gotta phone call to make :salute:
     
  12. motcon

    motcon TPF Noob!

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2003
    Messages:
    1,410
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    usa. soon to be a euro boy.
    Can others edit my Photos:
    Photos OK to edit
    couldn't disagree more. i think he's scared. frightened that he may be mocked and ridiculed as you are doing.

    rather than repeat everything mandy has said; i align myself with her comments completely.

    if i put myself in his shoes and she treated me that way, i'd dump her in a flash.

    she either accepts him as he is or she doesn't. who has the closed mind here?
     

Share This Page