Chili Tasting Contest

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Geronimo, Mar 8, 2004.

  1. Geronimo

    Geronimo TPF Noob!

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    This is some kind of chilli contest:

    The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

    *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!


    Frank
    "Recently, I was hondored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sisck at thte last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for the directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tastin, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili #1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

    Judge #3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili #2 George Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    Judge #1 -- Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge #2 -- Exiting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

    Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I located a uranium spill. My nose feels like a I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

    Chili #4 Bubba's Black Magic

    Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaind, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb barmaid is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili #5 Linda Lindastrom's Legal Lip Remover

    Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm buring my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

    Chili #6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian vaiety chili. Good balance of spices and pepppers.

    Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    Judge #3 -- I **** myself when I fated and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that girl Sally. She must be kinkier then I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

    Chili #7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    Judge #1 -- A medicore chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

    Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge #2 -- This final entery is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili post down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
     
  2. doxx

    doxx TPF Noob!

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    :lmao: I should cook some chili tonight and have Dew... :cheers: :cokespit:
     
  3. Dew

    Dew TPF Noob!

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    baby, i love your chilli to death .. but im on the toilet for 2 days after one bowl :no smile: ... but it sure is good :D
     
  4. Geronimo

    Geronimo TPF Noob!

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    :shock: :lol:
     
  5. voodoocat

    voodoocat ))<>(( Supporting Member

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    I love wendy's chili :D I even have a recipe and it damn tasty
     
  6. graigdavis

    graigdavis TPF Noob!

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    I just read that adding a little chocolate to chilli is the way to go. Ill have to try it next time.
     
  7. urameatball

    urameatball TPF Noob!

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    Location:
    Toronto, Canada... EH?
    texans are crazy.
    I have a friend from texas and she drinks tobasco sauce!

    We once had a suicide wings eating contest, and even though I beat her by finishing my 20 wings first, My speach was slurred for the entire night (didn't realize it until my friends starting making fun of me) and I literally lost feeling in my mouth... My face was covered in sweat and my nose was running like a tap. She, on the other hand, showed no signs of these symptoms and finished second.

    Then we had a tobasco drinking contest but I had to stop half way because even though I didn't taste anything, my stomach felt like it was on fire!!! So hot to the point I couldn't move.

    TEXANS ARE CRAZY.
     
  8. mrsid99

    mrsid99 TPF Supporters Supporting Member

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    Bunch of wimps!
    I find even hot chillis bland, now if you want to start talking about a really hot curry then that's another story!
     
  9. Osmer_Toby

    Osmer_Toby TPF Noob!

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    man, that was funny as hell. i'm with mrsid- gimme a habenero and a salt shaker...
     
  10. Geronimo

    Geronimo TPF Noob!

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    I am with you mrsid99. Having most of my family in texas, I grew up on the hot stuff.
     

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