Chuck Norris

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Darfion, Jan 19, 2006.

  1. Darfion

    Darfion Soapbox guru...

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    I nicked this from another site btw.:greenpbl:

    Things you should know about Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
    assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
    deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
    beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
    decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
    grew a beard.




    The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
    Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
    starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
    drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
    much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
    "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
    jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
    to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
    roundhouse kick related deaths.

    Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
    could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE
    YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
    Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
    f*** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of
    this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
    radius of the blast went deaf.


    Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
    yelling, "Bang!"
    When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
    said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
    back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he
    threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
    cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
    roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

    Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so
    he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

    Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.
    If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
    virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

    Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
    saying "booya".

    In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
    Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
    unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
    finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
    back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
    should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
    the month.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He
    also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

    At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people
    just to prove he isn't a racist.

    Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His
    have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black
    belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out
    of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
    Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain
     
  2. omeletteman

    omeletteman TPF Noob!

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    HAHA! I heard some people talking about these "facts" before, but hadn't read them. I had no idea Chuck Norris was so awesome...
     
  3. Darfion

    Darfion Soapbox guru...

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    Shhhhhhh! he might hear you and well, you know the rest :mrgreen:
     
  4. digital flower

    digital flower No longer a newbie, moving up!

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    Well that's about as much as I ever want to know about Chuckie :lol:

    Oops, maybe he'll kick my a$$ for saying that :blackeye: :shaking::shaking:
     
  5. Rob

    Rob TPF Noob!

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    That line has always bothered me in the various permutations of the Chuck Norris thing... :lmao:

    Rob
     
  6. 'Daniel'

    'Daniel' TPF Noob!

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    Yeh I've seen these I have a few more as well:

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in
    a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months
    later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the
    only undefeated and untied team in professional football
    history.

    To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat
    cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day
    for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to
    rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
    that, Lance Armstrong.

    They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh!t from anybody.

    The Ghostbusters call Chuck Norris.
     
  7. bace

    bace TPF Noob!

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    Chuck Norris's Response:

    IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

    I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
    ~ Chuck Norris
     
  8. Corry

    Corry Flirtacious and Bodacious Supporting Member

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    :biglaugh:

    Are you serious?
     
  9. thebeginning

    thebeginning TPF Noob!

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    now he sounds like a nerd. some geeky agent of his probably wrote that.
     
  10. MommyOf4Boys

    MommyOf4Boys TPF Noob!

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    MacGuyver was much cooler!!

    "There's nothing you can't do if you have a Swiss Army Knife, a roll of duct tape, and your wits."
     
  11. Darfion

    Darfion Soapbox guru...

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    Tempra will know where i nicked this from :taps side of nose.gif:
     
  12. Corry

    Corry Flirtacious and Bodacious Supporting Member

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    Alright...now you are forcing me to go in search of the Chuck Norris vs MacGuyver quote...
     

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