Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands-and all you can do is scratch it. (attributed remark to Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist in rehearsal) Now, ladies and contraltos, if you look to your parts, youll see where the gentlemen and tenors come in. (Thomas Beecham, rehearsing a choir) The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments, the very lower bowel of music. (Peter De Vries, The Glory of the Hummingbird, 1974) Some men are like musical glasses-to produce their finest tones you must keep them wet. (Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Table Talk, 1834) The chief objection to playing wind instruments is that it prolongs the life of the player. (George Bernard Shaw) [Asked about the secret of piano-playing:] I always make sure that the lid over the keyboard is open before I start to play. (Arthur Schnabel) Today you play jazz, tomorrow you will betray your country. (Soviet poster of Stalin era) Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera. (James Stephens) [James Agate, meeting a friend, member of the BBC orchestra:]Who conducted this afternoon? [Alec Whittaker, First Oboist:] Sorry James, I forgot to look.