A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says. "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****." -------------------------------------------------- There was this very rich man who had only one daughter. He was saddened by the fact she wasns't happily married, so he arranged a huge party and invited the local young men to it. When they arrived he said "Follow me gentlemen." The rich man took them to his swimming pool which was full of man eating crocodiles, and addressed the men: "Any of you who can swim to the other side will recieve my beautiful daughter and 1 million pounds. Uneasily all the men turned away from the pool and started wearing their shirts again. All of a sudden, they heard a splash in the pool. Everybody watched in amazement and cheered as one gentleman struggled his way across, avoiding the snapping jaws of the crocodiles. Finally, he made it to the other side, out of breath but without a scratch on him. The rich man, could not believe it and told the guy "You have won the contest, you can marry my daughter and my 1 million pound fortune is now yours" The man replied "Listen mate, i don't want your money or your daughter, i want the bastard who pushed me in." ------------------------------------------------- Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet". "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!! "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree" "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....Ees.. Ees........................., Ees a Ham Bush"