Dear Alcohol

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Corry, Oct 3, 2007.

  1. Corry

    Corry Flirtacious and Bodacious Supporting Member

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    Got this in a myspace bulletin...

    Dear Alcohol,

    First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect gift,post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck inthe midst of endless family gatherings). However, lately I've beenwondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you havemy best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to someunwise consequences:

    1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.

    2. Eating: Now you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries? I'm an eclectic eater but I think you went too far this time.

    3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need todo more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds toget the front door key into the lock.

    4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever), the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

    Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership...

    Thank you,
    Your Biggest Fan

    P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.


    THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK

    1. Innovative

    2. Preliminary

    3. Proliferation

    4. Cinnamon


    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

    1. Specificity

    2. British Constitution

    3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder



    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

    Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
    Nope, no more beer for me.
    Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    Good evening officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
     
  2. Antarctican

    Antarctican TPF Noob!

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    [​IMG]............... :lmao:............:biglaugh:

    Some funny, sad, true observations in that one.
     
  3. Hertz van Rental

    Hertz van Rental TPF Noob!

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    So do you like cork? Or do you prefer a good hard liquor? After all, there's nothing quite like the feeling you get when alcohol goes down...
     
  4. craig

    craig TPF Noob!

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    Cute and amusing. I think we can all relate. We also need to keep in mind that alcohol is very, very powerful. A lot of people can not handle it and that is painful.

    Love & Bass
     
  5. Antarctican

    Antarctican TPF Noob!

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    [​IMG] Oh, the (further) one-liners that go through my mind with this one!!

    (Who were you asking, btw? ) [​IMG]
     
  6. Hertz van Rental

    Hertz van Rental TPF Noob!

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    Just wandering out loud
     

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