Halloween Survival Guide

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Corry, Oct 31, 2006.

  1. Corry

    Corry Flirtacious and Bodacious Supporting Member

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    With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these helpful hints this and every year.

    1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

    2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

    3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

    4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to
    kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

    5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

    6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

    7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

    8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

    9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

    10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

    11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

    12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

    13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

    14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

    15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

    16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

    17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

    18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

    19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

    20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

    21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

    HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
     
  2. lostprophet

    lostprophet No longer a newbie, moving up!

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    Sorry but I'd have to argue with that ;)
     
  3. Corry

    Corry Flirtacious and Bodacious Supporting Member

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    But the women who wear flimsy negligees DIE!
     
  4. Corry

    Corry Flirtacious and Bodacious Supporting Member

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    Why cant a male ghost get a female ghost pregnant?

    Because the males have hallo-weenies.
     
  5. Don Simon

    Don Simon TPF Noob!

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    Very good advice! Can I also suggest the following: After shooting/stabbing/burning/exploding/electrocuting the masked serial killer, there is only one way to make sure: shoot the chairmen of New Line Cinema and Dimension Films, and any MTV director who expresses a desire to make horror movies. This will not only end the monster's killing sprees, it will also end the much worse horror of increasingly bad sequels and franchise tie-ins that sounded like a good idea at the time... :lol:
     

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