Holiday Eating Tips

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Mitica100, Dec 19, 2004.

  1. Mitica100

    Mitica100 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

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    Holiday Eating Tips

    1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

    2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

    3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

    4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

    5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

    6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

    7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

    8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

    9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

    10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread all tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

    Remember this motto to live by:

    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Woo Hoo! What a ride!"

    Happy Holidays everyone!
     
  2. Hertz van Rental

    Hertz van Rental TPF Noob!

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    My youngest and I have decided that Christmas dinner this year is going to be chilli - we want to be different ;-)
     
  3. Corry

    Corry Flirtacious and Bodacious Supporting Member

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    Just curious...how old are your kids, Hertz?
     
  4. John Orrell

    John Orrell TPF Noob!

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    I'm going round to my mother-in-laws for Xmas dinner, like last year.

    I've told her "I want the turkey like rubber, the gravy as thick as old sump-oil, and the roast-potatoes as hard as rocks"

    She said "I can't cook it like that!"

    I said "You did last year"
     
  5. mrsid99

    mrsid99 TPF Supporters Supporting Member

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    So when did the divorce become final? :lol:
     
  6. mrsid99

    mrsid99 TPF Supporters Supporting Member

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    If you want to be different just wear a nicely ripe piece of cod fish on your clothes for a day.......afterwards you'll have a whole different air about you! :lol:
     
  7. Aoide

    Aoide TPF Noob!

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    I did this at the teacher's luncheon at my school. Everyone brings their own side dishes and the principals provided the meat. Last year they ran out of brisket (hey, I'm in Texas) and so this year I stationed myself right next to the brisket so when the luncheon started I would be one of the first in line at the brisket table. No shortages for me.

    This whole things is hilarious. Thanks for sharing. :D
     
  8. munkyofdth

    munkyofdth TPF Noob!

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    I'm going to make that my signature :lol:


    edit: it's too long :cry:
     
  9. Hertz van Rental

    Hertz van Rental TPF Noob!

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    I'd got there 20 years ago!

    And MrSid99 - when you get to my age you'll start to smell a bit funny too.


    And Corry - 17 and 18. The youngest has anounced he's going to his mother's for Christmas dinner. Everyone is telling him not to but she's threatened to cut him out of her will if he doesn't! She's already done that to the eldest :irked:

    Think I might opt for cheese on toast for dinner instead, then....

    A Merry Bah! Humbug! to you all.
     
  10. Corry

    Corry Flirtacious and Bodacious Supporting Member

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    That's awful that she's threatening her own kids with such things! :(
     
  11. Hertz van Rental

    Hertz van Rental TPF Noob!

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    But she means it - she was never one for idle threats. Where is Dorothy when you need her.....
     

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