how to politely decline shooting a wedding

Joves · Apr 30, 2008

Im so glad there are like alot of photofreaks in my family. I never get pushed into those types of situations. I do feel your pain though.

elsaspet · Apr 30, 2008

usayit said:
Sorry Mom I don't want to shoot...

<SMACK>

Ok Mom.. I'll guess I'll do it if they help with expenses

<SMACK>

Ok Mom.. I'll do it for free..

Hmmm... doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I agree with elsaspet.. Run... you are in a no-win situation. About the worst no-win situation any son/daughter can possibly be placed in.

Sorry for being blunt.

Exactly. She told Mom and cousin she didn't want to do it. She told them she was not comfortable in that position.
And what she received in return was a total disregard for HER feelings on the matter.
Very few people seem to be getting that part of it.
Just because a person is a good photographer, doesn't mean they should be a built in photo slave, family or no family.
If the couple can't afford a photographer, they should buy disposable cameras and put the guests to work. But to be totally honest, I bet they just ASSUMED that she would take the photos. If they can afford to have a wedding, I bet they could cough up a few buck for a craigslist photog. Assuming it's the OPs DUTY is wrongwrongwrong.

kellylindseyphotography · Apr 30, 2008

elsaspet said:
Exactly. She told Mom and cousin she didn't want to do it. She told them she was not comfortable in that position.
And what she received in return was a total disregard for HER feelings on the matter.
Very few people seem to be getting that part of it.
Just because a person is a good photographer, doesn't mean they should be a built in photo slave, family or no family.
If the couple can't afford a photographer, they should buy disposable cameras and put the guests to work. But to be totally honest, I bet they just ASSUMED that she would take the photos. If they can afford to have a wedding, I bet they could cough up a few buck for a craigslist photog. Assuming it's the OPs DUTY is wrongwrongwrong.

Thank you. :hugs:

usayit · Apr 30, 2008

To sum it up..

YOU deserve better treatment...

Phranquey · Apr 30, 2008

Exactly. She told Mom and cousin she didn't want to do it. She told them she was not comfortable in that position.
And what she received in return was a total disregard for HER feelings on the matter.
Very few people seem to be getting that part of it.
Just because a person is a good photographer, doesn't mean they should be a built in photo slave, family or no family.
If the couple can't afford a photographer, they should buy disposable cameras and put the guests to work. But to be totally honest, I bet they just ASSUMED that she would take the photos. If they can afford to have a wedding, I bet they could cough up a few buck for a craigslist photog. Assuming it's the OPs DUTY is wrongwrongwrong.

After reading the "screw you" part, I'm afraid I'm going to have to retract my comment about "put your chin up and take it as a challenge". No one deserves that kind of treatment, especially from your very own mother. My mom & I have always had a pretty rocky relationship, but I have never been spoken to that way....I'm really sorry. I'd have to tell them to have a nice time.

JimmyO · Apr 30, 2008

Geez
So many responses
And so many different ones

Im thinking only your mom feels that way. And while what she says is very powerful, there will be many others there that will enjoy your presence and your pictures. Just go there and try not to affiliate with your mom.

Ben-71 · May 2, 2008

Kelly,

What have you decided?

ghpham · May 2, 2008

I haven't heard your cousin's side of the story. Did she invite you to the wedding? If so, you are a guest, then you should not even have to bring your camera. If they expected you to be the photographer and didn't extend an invitation, just stay home.

I read alot of advice here about just take pictures etc. for family for free but just set expectation. However, in a family setting, you should be a guest celebrating the day with each other, not "working". My sister got married last year and though she know I'm a camera buff, she had the decency not to ask me to be the wedding photographer so I can enjoy myself at her wedding. Any family members and or friends that would ask you to work on that special day, absolutely have no respect for you.

elsaspet · May 2, 2008

Here is the long and short of it.

Suppose you are a house framer....

Cousin calls and says he can't afford to get a new garage put on his house.

Mom says, oh yes, I'll get my kid to do it, because I'm a big person, and now you owe me.

Kid says (framer for those not keeping up) says, wow, that's going to take me a lot of hours to do properly, and I don't even LIKE building garages.

Now here in effect is what some of you are saying:

"Go build the garage, and don't worry about the money. It's fun!"

"You owe it to your family to build the garage for a cousin you don't really know"

"Don't embarrase your Mom already. Go an do any job she puts you up for. Don't forget the Quincenterra next week that she promised the second grade Teacher's cousin. After all, it could be fun, and you might get a PAYING job out of it.

Really folks, go build someone a garage, using your tools, and your time, and then tell the poster WHO DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT, that it's all in good fun.

If YOU did it, you would be a fool.

If YOU did it because someone told you to, you would be a triple fool.

If YOU did it to "make something out of it in the future", you are putting ZERO value on what you do, and you will probably never make a dime.

If YOU did it for family obligations, be aware that you will be whored out to every family Christmas shoot, third cousin's older daughters senior shoot, and daddy's babie's preggy shoot. For nada. Do it once, and you will indeed become the photo slave of the family. And family's go on ENDLESSLY with requests.

I am most definately a pro. I have family too. BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SUBJECTED TO THIS TREATMENT I no longer bring my camera. To anything.

One year I was invited to my brother's Christmas party. What can I bring? (Thinking a bottle of wine). Oh, just bring your camera. That night I worked like I was at a Wedding....with, "Oh, come here and take a photo of me and my seventh cousin removed!". And of course that was supposed to be processed and discs sent to everyone even remotely related to the family.

Do what you want, but I'm telling you from experience not to.

Lacey Anne · May 2, 2008

ghpham said:
I haven't heard your cousin's side of the story. Did she invite you to the wedding? If so, you are a guest, then you should not even have to bring your camera. If they expected you to be the photographer and didn't extend an invitation, just stay home.

I read alot of advice here about just take pictures etc. for family for free but just set expectation. However, in a family setting, you should be a guest celebrating the day with each other, not "working". My sister got married last year and though she know I'm a camera buff, she had the decency not to ask me to be the wedding photographer so I can enjoy myself at her wedding. Any family members and or friends that would ask you to work on that special day, absolutely have no respect for you.

Exactly! My sister has me doing her engagement session and a trash the dress session but told me up front she wasn't going to ask me to shoot the wedding because she wants me to be able to enjoy it as her sister.:mrgreen:

kellylindseyphotography · May 2, 2008

Exactly my sentiments Elsaspet.

As for what I'm going to do, I just don't even know yet. I'm facing similar issues w/my moms group wanting free work from me. I have to figure out a way to politely stand my ground.

DWS · May 2, 2008

kellylindseyphotography said:
Exactly my sentiments Elsaspet.
I have to figure out a way to politely stand my ground.

simply say you do not want to start a never ending cycle of photography "donations".....and it will be never ending if you start it

Ben-71 · May 2, 2008

kellylindseyphotography said:
Exactly my sentiments Elsaspet.

As for what I'm going to do, I just don't even know yet. I'm facing similar issues w/my moms group wanting free work from me. I have to figure out a way to politely stand my ground.

After that mail and that attitude, I'd have said -
"I'm not dancing to your music anymore. If I decide to take pics' at the wedding, it would be in spite of you, and not because of you. Period."

I wouldn't answer attempts to drag me into more arguments.

After that mail, which I presume contained more "Jewels", this would be more than polite enough.

Time to unchain yourself.

As for the wedding... It's between you and your cousin, and not between you and your mother.

Ben-71 · May 2, 2008

kelly,

This is not about this wedding.
This is about the kind of relationship you have with your mother, right?

There are "weddings" all the time, right?

For yourself, find a way to learn to cope with that relationship, to unchain yourself.
Yes, it's hard to do. But, when you do, you'll feel much better.

Try to get strength from the emphatic and supportive people here.

I said it, but I don't feel that it belongs in this kind of forum.

bahandi · May 2, 2008

i apologize for responding to this as my first post on this forum.

i suppose it would be hard to follow through with what i'm about to suggest. heck, even i probably wouldn't do what i'm about to say. here it is....

if anyone, especially my mom, told me to do something like what she's asked you to do, i would bring her along to a shoot (probably with a camera), have her take as much pictures as i do, have her sit down in front of the computer, get her to choose the best ones, and then walk her through the steps of post processing.

afterwards, show her what it would cost to print the pics, or show her how to copy the pictures to a CD/DVD. then tell her no... lol.