I called my adoptive father tonight

[Battou]

It's been over ten years since we have talked, Hell, I have not even looked at him in ten years. I was hoping I would feel better, truth is I feel even worse now.

I'm dealing with some personal issues and I wanted some advice from someone I knew had experience in this sort of ****.

But now I am beginning to wonder if that was the right thing to do. There is a reason we have not spoke for so long, what's more is now really an appropriate time to reintroduce communications with him? As I sit here typing I am thinking about my reason for calling him and feeling it is not right, but is it important enough to continue despite?

 

[Derrel]

Somebody once said, " A burden shared is a burden lightened," and sometimes it's good just to get things that are bugging you out into the open with another person--somebody, anybody, be it a friend, family member, co-worker, bartender, minister, counselor, internet pen pal, whatever.

Sometimes the point of view of another person can be very valuable. Other times, what the other person has to say might not be valuable, or might even be hurtful. Personal and family disagreements sometimes blow up over the stupidest $h!+, and other times family and or personal disagreements and feuds are based on genuinely harmful or malicious events....I dunno what happened in your situation, or how the talking with him went recently, but I do know that talking is free, and it *can sometimes* be very helpful.

I want to wish you strength through this difficult time.

 

[Big]

Very well said Derrel :thumbup:

 

[mom2eight]

Battou,
I'm sorry that your having a rough time. I don't know what advice I would give you without knowing the whole situation however, as an adoptive mom my heart aches for you. I am just wondering why you refer to him as your adoptive father and not your father? Have you ever felt a closeness to him in the past?
Life is so short, and you never know what day will be your last. I encourage you to mend your relationship even if its just for you. So that you can move forward in your life. I'm always an ear if you need to vent. :hug::

 

[Overread]

+1 to what Derral said! You don't have to open up to us here - but do share with someome. Someone close or maybe just someone who you know well. IF you feel that there is no one to really turn to or that you have pressured those close to you with enough of your problems then try calling one of the free groups like the Good Samaritins - some times even a total stranger is good to talk to. Talking is good in itself in that it forces you to put your thoughts into order - left alone the mind can run thoughts in circles and leave you going no where very easily

 

[c.cloudwalker]

I don't know that I could have said it as nicely as Derrel did so :thumbup: to him.

I talk very little to my own father (adoption or not may not matter much) and I often tell my sister that if my mother goes before he does, I'll probably never talk to him again. Relationships are not easy but I've found a way to make them easier for me. It may not work for you but, just in case it does, here is my way of helping myself.

I have taught myself over the years to not expect anything from anyone. This way, I am never disappointed. And I always keep in mind that family is friends I did not choose.

Some relationships are meant to be, others are not. If you made that call I take it you'd like this one to work and I wish you all the best in making it so.

If you want to talk more privately, don't hesitate to PM me.

 

[Battou]

Somebody once said, " A burden shared is a burden lightened," and sometimes it's good just to get things that are bugging you out into the open with another person--somebody, anybody, be it a friend, family member, co-worker, bartender, minister, counselor, internet pen pal, whatever.

Sometimes the point of view of another person can be very valuable. Other times, what the other person has to say might not be valuable, or might even be hurtful. Personal and family disagreements sometimes blow up over the stupidest $h!+, and other times family and or personal disagreements and feuds are based on genuinely harmful or malicious events....I dunno what happened in your situation, or how the talking with him went recently, but I do know that talking is free, and it *can sometimes* be very helpful.

I want to wish you strength through this difficult time.

It was under this very premise that I made the call, but in the end it resulted in doubling the burden.

Battou,
I'm sorry that your having a rough time. I don't know what advice I would give you without knowing the whole situation however, as an adoptive mom my heart aches for you. I am just wondering why you refer to him as your adoptive father and not your father? Have you ever felt a closeness to him in the past?
Life is so short, and you never know what day will be your last. I encourage you to mend your relationship even if its just for you. So that you can move forward in your life. I'm always an ear if you need to vent. :hug::

My isssues that brought on the phone call, well, they are nothing truely unique, but never the less personal to the point of not going to the internet with my sob story. The issues with my adoptive father is a entirely different ball game. To answer your question, why I refer to him as my adoptive father and not my father, it's simple, that is who he is.

I was concieved and born during a very sloppy divorce, untill I was nineteen he refused to acknowledge me as his son. His mind changed when I came here to find my sister, when he came out of his bed room and found a twenty year old copy of himself standing in the dining room. I have never seen a man look at his seinior portrait as much as he did after that, But I digress. When I was a child I was put into a foster home because my mother was unable to appropriately take care of me. I was adopted into this home a few years later.

Some time after that I got my self thrown into jouvie for stupid attention gathering stunts. When I went home to visit for the first time after being put into jouvie I found my self in the wrong place at the wrong time and was accoused of what is prolly one of the most diplorable crimes imaginable. I ended up serving three years for a crime I did not commit because he was to buy rationalizing the situation and making excuses for me based on some sound logic than listening to the truth. It was after that discussion that we quit talking. I tried once after I as released but he wasn't ready to talk then. I spent some time after that homeless and roaming before finding my biological family where my father allowed me to reside until his passing in 2003 after that it's my brother who has allowed me to remain here.

In short, My father is the man who changed his mind took me in after firmly believing for eighteen years that I was not his son. My adoptive father is the man who took me in as a child and adopted me. My problem now that I spoke to him tonight is I still feel that he abandoned me after taking me in as a child. But in the end, I fear that this effort to mend this relationship is not for me directly but indirectly....but that is getting back to what brought on the phone call.

 

[mom2eight]

The reason I asked why you referred to him as your adoptive father is because it would hurt me to hear my children refer to me as their adoptive mom. Adoption made it legal but love made me their mother. That is just merely my thoughts you do not have to feel this way. Abandonment issues are very difficult to deal with. I know first hand the impact as I have witnessed the effect on my children. Some of my children were too young to have cognitive memories however, the effect is the same.
I would encourage you to think about counseling to help you deal with some of the issues of your past. It sounds as if you have a lot of pain inside from the things you have had to go through. For me forgiveness is the key. It is one of the most difficult things to do, but it will set you free in ways you can't imagine.

 

[Phranquey]

Battou, I know how you feel, but I truly don't know what to say....

My real dad died young, and 21 years ago my "adoptive" father packed up and left 3 days before Christmas.... The next day, my mom and I got into it hard because she blamed me for his leaving. I left and haven't spoken with either one of them since. After that time, I have long come to the realization that the problems were between them, and I was just a casualty, but that doesn't make it much easier. I still see members of both families, but not them.

Hell, for the longest time I didn't even know where he was until my wife got on the 'net and found him after quite a search. Last year I sent him a birthday card (wasn't about to send one for Christmas...), and this year I got one in return, but I'm still scared as hell to pick up the phone and make that call for just this situation.

 

[Dusty Miller]

I spent years trying to be a son to my biological father. The guy was an S.O.B. However, I also know that his mother was a malicious ***** who probably sexually molested him so I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was a miserable, tormented man and his death was probably the best thing that ever happened to him. Sometimes we just have to accept that things are the way they are and there's nothing to do but plod ahead with our own lives and let the past be. Whoever said "Life is not fair" really hit the nail on the head.

 

[Sachphotography]

PM SENT..........

 

[Big]

I don't have any story to compare to but the only reason I'm posting in on this is that it goes to show who on this forum is truly willing to help others. In the near year that I've been a member, I have seen some real A holes come through and a lot of really nice people. Sometimes the A holes leave, sometimes they don't but it doesn't matter cause I still know there are a small group of people on here that really care. You can't always edit life like a picture but you work with what you got and hopefully you can turn your OK shot into something great if you work at it hard enough. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say and good luck to ya.
-Big

 

[mom2eight]

Big I got it! Great metaphor and very true. Yes there is a few good folks on here. Nice to meet ya.

 

[Yemme]

Um Battou I'm sorry to hear that you are going through an ordeal. I think Derrel is on point with what he said. Abandonment is a huge ordeal but in the end I have to say... honestly. It is best to remember the good out of the bad. I have my own "daddy issues" but in the end love is love. If your "adoptive father" died tomorrow would you weep. It's that simple. My mom always told me to love my dad even though he did a lot of f*cked up sh*t, but she made sure I remembered he loves me. Some people will never change.. they just won't. They are too old to change. You just have to look for the good and even though you feel abandoned. Think of the years he was there for you... He did nurture you. Just think about it... try it.

 

[jensgt]

See a shrink. A lot of people think they are for weak or nutty people, I used to....until I went through a real tumultuous time in my life....started off when I found out (by ordering a birth certificate because I needed one for work) that my father who raised me was not my biological father...called home to confront my mother about it and got all kinds of excuses why she never told me. I was 26 years old. The guy who was my biological father died 6 months before I found out he existed....so I never got to meet him. I was pissed but at the same time have respected my father who raised me so much more because he put up with a lot of **** from me he didnt really have to. It was a rough time because I did not have anybody around me that was supportive. My boyfriend at the time and I had just moved in together, and he was not one to be sympathetic...and my mother, she is a good person but has kind of a ...sorry, deal with it attitude. Oh well. lol. Then after my relationship turned bad, I had fallen in love with somebody at work...just completely torn about what to do with my life, I saw a shrink...and it was the best thing I could have ever done. Helped me feel confident to choose a direction in my life and now I am married, happy, get along better with my parents and everything.

So yeah. Talking to invisible people on the internet might help temporarily...but if you want some help getting closure, see a professional. IMO unless a parent beat or abused you or something terrible like that....you will hate yourself when they die and you werent around.