kids'r funny, eh?

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Osmer_Toby, Apr 16, 2004.

  1. Osmer_Toby

    Osmer_Toby TPF Noob!

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    Children's Versions of History

    The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and
    in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in
    Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.
    Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling!
    Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for us adults
    and therefore no time to war or argue.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who
    all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate Of
    the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
    unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on
    Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached
    Canada but the commandos made it.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was

    actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds
    Like he was sort of busy too.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
    wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female
    moth.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
    people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock,
    which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a
    Dramatic decline.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
    biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then, than they show on TV
    now.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
    Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
    king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw
    for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
    problems.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen", as a queen she was a
    success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and
    that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
    invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
    circulation of blood.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
    Cigarettes and started smoking.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper,
    which was very dangerous to all his men.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
    was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
    money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,
    and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
    Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
    Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
    Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
    Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
    Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself
    cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is
    still dead.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
    Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
    own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
    Proclamation.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
    Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe
    the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This
    ruined Booth's career.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
    number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
    kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most
    famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German,
    half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that
    he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long
    walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired
    in 1827 and later died for this.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
    inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by
    machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of
    a hundred men.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits, but I don't know why.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species.
    It was very long, people got upset about it, and had trials to see if it
    was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours, but
    without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what
    she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to
    find radios because they were already taken.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
    movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family
    had to have a job, I guess.
     
  2. Darfion

    Darfion Soapbox guru...

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    :lol:
     
  3. terri

    terri Administrator Staff Member Supporting Member

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    :goodvibe:
     
  4. Tammy

    Tammy TPF Noob!

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    I'll have to save these for one of those days when I need a pick me up - these are adorable.
     
  5. graigdavis

    graigdavis TPF Noob!

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    oh yea. The schools in Ohio here are top notch :D
     
  6. Digital Matt

    Digital Matt alter ego: Analog Matt

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    ROFL
     
  7. terri

    terri Administrator Staff Member Supporting Member

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    I was wondering if any you guys would pick up on that one. :p
     
  8. Mitica100

    Mitica100 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

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    :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

    Very funny...
     
  9. alsoran

    alsoran TPF Noob!

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    Excellent :lol:
     
  10. tr0gd0o0r

    tr0gd0o0r TPF Noob!

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    :lol:

    (inconspiciously (sp?) tries to raise post count)
     
  11. Harpper

    Harpper TPF Noob!

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    D Matt beat me to the punch. Apparently this kid is very wise beyond his/her years. :wink:

    Ouch!! I can see why Drake was so good at exploring the world. His men were afraid of being circumcised by a 100 foot clipper! I'm sure the arguments with his men went something like this:

    Drake's men: "Sir Drake, we can't go any further. You've been marching us for days. Most of the men are tired and Pete has stopped breathing."

    *Drake calmly turns around to face his men*
    Drake: "Do you men want me to use my 100 foot clipper again!?"

    *All of the men suddenly snap to attention and even Pete revives himself from death*
    All Drake's men in unison: "No Sir! We are feeling much better"

    One of Drake's men: "Even Pete is doing better. Right Pete?"

    Pete: "Right, Billy Bob. That death nap was all I needed."

    I'm sure that's how it went. :wink:

    Why the &*! didn't any tell me! Why am I always the last to know?

    Apparently I didn't learn the whole story from school. People weren't mad because Darwin was going against the Bible. They were mad for a more simplistic reason that has plague mankind since the dawn of time...organ size envy. It all makes sense now. :wink:


    Thanks Osmer. It was a funny post. :LOL:
     
  12. vonnagy

    vonnagy have kiwi, will travel...

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    I had a good belly laugh at these myself.. especially Drake and his clipper :shock:
     

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