Looking for some advice

Dagwood56

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I'm looking for some advice on a personal matter....I have never been close to my father's side of the family, as a matter of fact they have gone out of their way over the years to make me feel like I did not belong. After my parents passed away and I moved from New Jersey, I have been more than happy not being in close touch with these family members. I was annoyed a few years ago when my uncle passed away and I found out about it online while checking obits in a Jersey paper. None of them bothered to call me and let me know. I sent an email paying my respects and then in response to an email I got back from one of them, I [as tactfully as I could], told them how I felt about the family. A few months later an aunt sent me a rather snotty letter saying I was the one who alienated myself from them by never wanting to go to family functions. I'm like my father, he did not like parties, I don't like crowds or social functions family or otherwise and as family, they should know this - had they ever bothered to get to know or understand me that is.

Anyway, a few days ago I received a friend request from my cousin on facebook and I ignored it.
I've since found out another cousin has died. Today in the snail mail, I get a letter from an aunt also expressing an interest in friending me on facebook, so we can keep in touch she said. This is the same aunt who sent the snotty letter a few years ago and is the one I have the most problem with. I find myself at a loss for what to do....do I do the polite thing and add them to my friend list, where they will then see my "life" as an open book, so to speak on facebook, or should I maintain my beliefs and leave the door shut on all of them? To give you an idea of how estranged things have been over the past 20 years in general, I have given my husband specific instructions as to what I want EXcluded in my own obit when the time comes - he has orders not to include any of my fathers family only my 3 cousins on my mothers side.

Really need some thoughts and advice - Thanks.
 
Wow... that's a toughie (and part of the reason I have nothing to do with facebook on a personal level). I don't know a lot about it, but can you befriend someone on facebook and control what they can and cannot see? Could you start a second page for "special family friends"? My feeling is that if you don't stay true to your feelings you will regret it. I'm much the same as you; I'm NOT a crowd person, I have limited tolerance for large groups...
 
I can appreciate your situation.I have an 'estranged' part of family and am selective to them on social media. They didn't care to get to know me when I was a little, why now?

If you don't accept their olive branches (assuming that's what they are), don't expect the situation to change.
 
.I have never been close to my father's side of the family, as a matter of fact they have gone out of their way over the years to make me feel like I did not belong.

I don't like crowds or social functions family or otherwise and as family, they should know this - had they ever bothered to get to know or understand me that is.


Anyway, a few days ago I received a friend request from my cousin on facebook and I ignored it.
I've since found out another cousin has died. Today in the snail mail, I get a letter from an aunt also expressing an interest in friending me on facebook, so we can keep in touch she said. This is the same aunt who sent the snotty letter a few years ago and is the one I have the most problem with. I find myself at a loss for what to do....do I do the polite thing and add them to my friend list, where they will then see my "life" as an open book, so to speak on facebook, or should I maintain my beliefs and leave the door shut on all of them? To give you an idea of how estranged things have been over the past 20 years in general, I have given my husband specific instructions as to what I want EXcluded in my own obit when the time comes - he has orders not to include any of my fathers family only my 3 cousins on my mothers side.

Really need some thoughts and advice - Thanks.

That bolded part above really impressed me.
You had a major part in making the situation as it is.
Evidently you thought that everyone else should be responsible for catering the family ways to how you want to be.

Life doesn't work that way.

You were standoffish and uninvolved - and they are responding in exactly the manner that you demonstrated.
The family is reaching out to you with an attempt to get you back in the fold.
If you want to keep out and play that game, stay out.
But recognize that you had your chance and you chose not to take it.
 
So being introverted and not feeling comfortable at large family functions means it's all her fault?

Nonsense.

Going to parties should not be the only criteria for involvement in family affairs. How about smaller gatherings? Or phone conversations? Or one-on-one time? She never said the family needed to cater to her needs; she simply said that her family never understood that the large gatherings made her uncomfortable.

Someone should not be ostracized simply because people are unwilling to look past their own noses and understand that not everyone enjoys the same kind of interaction as they do.

Carol - if you want to friend this aunt, you can do so while still limiting what she is able to see on your Facebook page.
 
Going to parties should not be the only criteria for involvement in family affairs. How about smaller gatherings? Or phone conversations? Or one-on-one time? She never said the family needed to cater to her needs; she simply said that her family never understood that the large gatherings made her uncomfortable.

I would completely agree with you; however, the below statements make me think both parties are at fault.

I sent an email paying my respects and then in response to an email I got back from one of them, I [as tactfully as I could], told them how I felt about the family.

Anyway, a few days ago I received a friend request from my cousin on facebook and I ignored it.

or should I maintain my beliefs and leave the door shut on all of them?

If I got an email from a family member (or anyone for that matter) I haven't talked to in years 'telling me about myself', I don't think I would take it with open arms. Communication is a two-way street. If Carol decides to close the door, she should expect it to hit her on the way out.
 
I fear that anything I say is going to say way harsher than I mean for it to, but here goes:

You need to decide what you want. Do you even WANT to resolve the relationship issues between you and this part of your family? Because it doesn't really sound like you do.
If you DO, take a step. They've taken one, now reciprocate. Add them to your Facebook, maybe limit what they can see--and then unfriend them if you have to, but at least give it a chance. IF you want reconciliation.

But it sounds to me like you don't really want that if you have plans to not even mention them in your obit. And frankly--that sounds like a wound that goes much, much deeper than just not liking to go to gatherings.

You just really need to do some evaluating and decide what your ultimate desire is in regard to this part of your family.

And nobody can decide that for you, but I'll say this: In the end, no relationship conflict is worth it. In MY opinion, it is ALWAYS worth making an effort at reconciling a relationship, ESPECIALLY when it is family--even if you have to try over and over. Sometimes it will never happen, but my goal is this: To live at peace with everyone, SO FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON ME. I may not always be able to reconcile a broken relationship (hey, I'm divorced, so there's at least ONE that's pretty irrevokably broken), but I can make sure that they are NOT broken because of ME. And when I know that I have done everything in power to make the relationship right, if it's still broken, it at least ceases to hold any power over me.
 
I have to agree with Lew. I do not like large family gatherings either. Was there anything stopping you from calling up a particular family member or two and asking to get together for a quick lunch every now and then to stay in touch? People are not limited to seeing family (close or extended) only at large gatherings/reunions. Now if you did try to reach out and say "let's get lunch" years ago and they never had the time/blew you off then that is a different matter.

I don't know if you have kids but keep in mind if you do, they may want to know that part of their family when they are older and what you do will affect that. My Mother hated her Father and I didn't even know I had a Grandfather on her side until I was 9 and asked my Grandma (they divorced when my Mom was a kid). As soon as I found out about him I got his address and started writing to him and had as good of a relationship as I could through letters since I was in the US and he was in Australia. Unfortunately his girlfriend (or whatever she was) didn't agree with it because my Mom hadn't had contact with him for years. When he passed his girlfriend didn't feel the need to tell me until over 6 months later when I sent a letter asking why I hadn't heard from him. She sent me his obituary, a tape recording of the service and a letter trashing me and my family for not being more involved with him. If my Mom hadn't of been so mad at him maybe things would have been different. I would have loved to have known him better but never will. Yes, my Mom had good reasons to be mad with him but her choices affected her kids as well and they wanted to know him. She didn't need to be good friends with him but also shouldn't have completely shut him out. My point is that you may think that what you decide to do will only affect you but it may also affect others around you.
 
For me the bottom line is to try to live without any regrets. For me, as this is family, I would stifle my pride, the past and look at this cleanly. After all they are reaching out to you. Unless they have treated you in a fashion which is beyond and cannot be rectified or reconciliated via an apology ... I would reach out and grasp their hands. Life is short ... so minimize your regrets. And if it doesn't work out ... well at least you tried and you can shut them out again should things not work out. This can all be addressed for a trial period to test the waters and see how it goes. What do you have to lose?
 
As Sharon picked up on, there is way, way, more to all this than the social gathering issue, but all far too detailed to explain here. And in my defense to social gatherings, and whoever mentioned getting together for a lunch. I don't do that with anyone either. I have panic disorder and mild OCD, social situations of any kind are extremely difficult for me. Know what these family members said about my panic disorder? They laughed about it! That's not a real condition they said! Its all in your head they said. Well its prevented me from working at a 9 to 5 job for the last 20 years, and if I'm not careful I sometimes become a bit agoraphobic, and don't want to venture beyond my own home and yard and these people think its a joke! Sharon is right about another thing, no, I don't really want to reconnect with these people, but I was also not raised to be hurtful to others....however in this instance I tend to feel its a bit justified, but it doesn't mean I feel good about it. And as Lenore said, Someone should not be ostracized simply because people are unwilling to look past their own noses! As the day wears on I am leaning very much toward ignoring them.....still on the fence.
 
I understand having panic disorders and agoraphobia but you can still have contact through email and FB. I have issues as well from abuse and my own Mom laughed at both me and brother when we finally brought it up and told me I didn't need counseling and was being ridiculous even though I have PTSD and anxiety attacks because of what happened and I tend to not trust anyone unless I've known them for years. Some people just don't know how to react properly to those things. Tell them it bothered you that they reacted that way and base your decision on how they respond.
 
Oh and waday, that email I sent telling them how I felt about them, was in response to one they sent me, after I sent the condolence email about my uncles passing and what they sent was far from a complimentary email, so how was what I did wrong and what they did right? This is kind of my point, all they've ever done is ridicule me about my life, my choice to follow an education in art, and a whole host of other things. Even when I got married, they were upset because my husband and I opted for a civil ceremony in Baltimore rather than a large wedding with a reception.
 
Oh and waday, that email I sent telling them how I felt about them, was in response to one they sent me, after I sent the condolence email about my uncles passing and what they sent was far from a complimentary email, so how was what I did wrong and what they did right? This is kind of my point, all they've ever done is ridicule me about my life, my choice to follow an education in art, and a whole host of other things. Even when I got married, they were upset because my husband and I opted for a civil ceremony in Baltimore rather than a large wedding with a reception.
It's hard to give an opinion without all the facts--you never mentioned their email was 'far from complimentary'.

Sorry to hear about this. Hope it works out.
 
It sounds like you've been carrying around some very painful emotions about your family/past. You need to find a way to break free of it. :icon_hug: All that anger/hate is exhausting to have in your life. Reconnecting may be a way to start over or it might just open a wound more for you. Only you can answer which is going to happen.


Personal note...I had a family member that I became estranged with a few years ago. They reached a hand out to me trying to reconnect and I ignored it. In my mind, I wasn't ready. Well guess what, they died a year later. I don't have that chance anymore and that's something I have to live with. IMHO...Take a step back and try to make it work. Take the time now. You might not have another chance. <HUGS>
 
You might check out the book "Toxic In-laws" and read through it. You've obviously been through a lot with these people, and I think that book might help you by detailing some ways that family dynamics actually operate. Wayyyy too many people operate on the assumption that all family members are inherently Type 1)good, well-meaning people or Type 2) at the least, very neutral people, neither overly kind nor overly mean. Truth is...there are MANY people who are category three family: 3)manipulative,incorrigible arse-holes.

My experience is that the vast majority of well-meaning advice people give for dealing with family issues and individual family members is often wayyyyyy off the mark when the family in question happen to be Type 3 family: manipulative, incorrigible arse-holes.

The prevalence of utterly wrong, bad advice being given for how to deal with family issues, as you can see by reading Toxic In-laws, is the tendency for most Type 3 people to live a life in which they masterfully impersonate being Type 1 or Type 2 family to the majority of others, which very often leads others to providing BAD advice for how to deal with family issues! Wolves in sheep's clothing and all. Many of the absolutely worst manipulators of family members put on quite an act for the general public, to show how great they are, but behind the scenes, that manipulative, arse-hole nature manifests itself.
 
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