Looking for some advice

[Nevermore1]

You might check out the book "Toxic In-laws" and read through it. You've obviously been through a lot with these people, and I think that book might help you by detailing some ways that family dynamics actually operate. Wayyyy too many people operate on the assumption that all family members are inherently Type 1)good, well-meaning people or Type 2) at the least, very neutral people, neither overly kind nor overly mean. Truth is...there are MANY people who are category three family: 3)manipulative,incorrigible arse-holes.

My experience is that the vast majority of well-meaning advice people give for dealing with family issues and individual family members is often wayyyyyy off the mark when the family in question happen to be Type 3 family: manipulative, incorrigible arse-holes.

The prevalence of utterly wrong, bad advice being given for how to deal with family issues, as you can see by reading Toxic In-laws, is the tendency for most Type 3 people to live a life in which they masterfully impersonate being Type 1 or Type 2 family to the majority of others, which very often leads others to providing BAD advice for how to deal with family issues! Wolves in sheep's clothing and all. Many of the absolutely worst manipulators of family members put on quite an act for the general public, to show how great they are, but behind the scenes, that manipulative, arse-hole nature manifests itself.

That last paragraph describes my SIL perfectly! Great advice as always Derrel!

 

[limr]

You might check out the book "Toxic In-laws" and read through it. You've obviously been through a lot with these people, and I think that book might help you by detailing some ways that family dynamics actually operate. Wayyyy too many people operate on the assumption that all family members are inherently Type 1)good, well-meaning people or Type 2) at the least, very neutral people, neither overly kind nor overly mean. Truth is...there are MANY people who are category three family: 3)manipulative,incorrigible arse-holes.

THIS x 1000!

I don't have a horrible family (except for my sister-in-law) so I am not necessarily saying this out of experience (except for with my sister-in-law) but it has always bothered me how much people are supposed to sacrifice for the sake of the all-mighty Family. Not all families are the Waltons, and there should be a limit to how much damage we do to ourselves for the sake of "family."

If any relationship - even with family - has been toxic, there needs to be a point when someone says, "I've tried but this is not good for me and I need to cut ties." It's just hard to know when that point comes.

 

[limr]

That last paragraph describes my SIL perfectly! Great advice as always Derrel!

Mine, too.

 

[Dagwood56]

Thanks everyone for your replies. Derrel, you hit the nail on the head! These people are most definitely Type 3 family!!! There is no talking to them, they have a preconceived idea of what family and people are supposed to be like and I don't fall into their social convention and never will. So I'm going to ignore them, even go so far as to block them on facebook so they can't send anymore invites and move one. I've spent the last 20 years quite peacefully without them in my life, I sure as hell don't need them making a self satisfying effort to make peace now. Its too little too late.

 

[mmaria]

Oh God , it's a tough one..... I really don't know what to say, others said it more nicely that I would.

Just... don't be angry at them or at yourself, whatever you decide ... anger will eat you up inside.

 

[mishele]

I'm glad you've figured out what you need to do. =) Just remember, when people die and you don't hear about it, there is no time to be angry about it.

 

[robbins.photo]

Anyway, a few days ago I received a friend request from my cousin on facebook and I ignored it. I've since found out another cousin has died. Today in the snail mail, I get a letter from an aunt also expressing an interest in friending me on facebook, so we can keep in touch she said. This is the same aunt who sent the snotty letter a few years ago and is the one I have the most problem with. I find myself at a loss for what to do....do I do the polite thing and add them to my friend list, where they will then see my "life" as an open book, so to speak on facebook, or should I maintain my beliefs and leave the door shut on all of them? To give you an idea of how estranged things have been over the past 20 years in general, I have given my husband specific instructions as to what I want EXcluded in my own obit when the time comes - he has orders not to include any of my fathers family only my 3 cousins on my mothers side.

Really need some thoughts and advice - Thanks.

Ok, well it's a little Ironic here that in the first paragraph your chastising them for not "knowing" you and in the second paragraph your asserting that you don't want to give them access to information so they could get to know you.

Do you friend them on facebook? Absolutely. If you have anything on there you don't want the public to see then your uploading it to the wrong site to begin with. If they get to know you and you can develop some kind of relationship with them, great. If not, what did you lose?

 

[Derrel]

Like Maria said, don't dwell on anger...it's not productive. I hope you can realize that all we can do is make the best of our own lives, and that we need to make peace with our decisions and choices. I would also still encourage you to check into that book; it really helped me to understand confusing family dynamics. Anyway, thanks for sharing with us your struggle...it brings us all a bit closer together I think. We're thinking of you! Stay strong!

Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage: Susan Forward: 9780060507855: Amazon.com: Books

 

[Dagwood56]

Robbins - Just to clarify, I'm 58 years old, these people had years to try and get to know me, I was around them as a child. When in the same room as them I was talked about, but not often spoken to, and in the past 20 years I have had 2 aunts pass and an uncle that no one ever bothered to notify me about. When the uncle passed i did mention to them in a later email, that I was annoyed no one thought enough to tell me - they knew how to get in touch with me, I never hid from them, they just didn't bother. As for my facebook page, I only allow people on my friend list to see what I post, not the general public and I'm more comfortable letting people I only know online, know things about me than I am these family members. I realized earlier today after I made my decision known in this thread, that when those last emails were sent when my uncle passed, I did mention to them that I had health issues.

In thinking this thru this afternoon, I think they made quite the point of letting me know about this most recent death and made the friend requests to me to ease their own conscience and nothing more - we know your ill and we don't want it on our backs that we let you die without making peace....like I said above someplace, its too little too late.

DERREL - Thanks for the kind words. I don't normally stew about the past, I rarely think about this part of the family. What I'm angry about right now [or was] is that they contacted me expecting me to just turn the other cheek and say "oh sure I'll friend you" too much has happened for me to do that, but now that I made my decision to just ignore them, I'll be fine, anger subsiding. Thanks for the book link too, because they can still get to me via snail mail.

 

[gsgary]

Facebook is for looser's talk to them in person

 

[limr]

 

[Derrel]

Facebook is for looser's talk to them in person

Good one, Gary!

Just in a sort of FYI, let me tell you that "loosers" is spelled with only a single o.

Looser means less tight, as in, "I checked the lug nuts, and one was looser than the others, so I tightened it up."

Loser is the singular of losers. Losers are the people who end up on the short end of the stick in sports events and contests of all types.

 

[The_Traveler]

In thinking this thru this afternoon, I think they made quite the point of letting me know about this most recent death and made the friend requests to me to ease their own conscience and nothing more - we know your ill and we don't want it on our backs that we let you die without making peace....like I said above someplace, its too little too late.

It's seem you are unwilling to take their attempt to make contact at its face value.
Their attempt at making contact may be honest and they may actually want to reestablish contact.
Who knows? Certainly not us,
Latching onto the idea of toxic in-laws is convenient and may even be true but that's not the point.
Clearly you have already made a decision and want support for it but none of us knows the reality of the situation as seen by both sides.
It is people close to you who can give intelligent support not a bunch of strangers on the Internet because we know nothing except what you tell us.

 

[gsgary]

Facebook is for looser's talk to them in person

Good one, Gary!

Just in a sort of FYI, let me tell you that "loosers" is spelled with only a single o.

Looser means less tight, as in, "I checked the lug nuts, and one was looser than the others, so I tightened it up."

Loser is the singular of losers. Losers are the people who end up on the short end of the stick in sports events and contests of all types.

Not when you are drunk

 

[Derrel]

Not when you are drunk

Ah, I figured you might have found a dose of the cure that ales you...

...or would that be a dose of the ale that cures you??