Love, break ups and why I dont cope

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by manda, May 20, 2004.

  1. manda

    manda instigator of pottymouthedness

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    As some of you know Ive had a bit of a shock to my system in the last week and Ive really been thinking about my reaction and personality.

    I dont cope well with loss AT ALL. WHo does, you may say?
    Nobody but I am starting to really worry that I dont seem to be able to carry on rships once they get even the slightest dint in them.

    Im not one for remaining friends with exes, i never have been able to distance my feelings even after theyve finally disappeared. I guess I will always hold on to things.

    So my question...is this normal or should I seriously seek counselling? Do other people hold on to things so tightly?
    I had my heart broken the worst it ever has been well over a year ago and I still am not over that and I often wonder if I ever will be.
    Its happened again in the last week, nowhere near as bad, but I still am not coping well at all.

    I know this is an extremely personal topic but I feel comfortable enough to talk to you guys about this here.
    I just am tired of losing friends and loved ones because I have to break all ties whenever my heart is hurt.

    Please tell me Im not the only one that does this? I seriously need advice and Im thinking of swearing off love, sex and romance until I can figure it out, which may be some time.
     
  2. Sharkbait

    Sharkbait TPF Noob!

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    Nope, you're not alone hon. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, and it's been stepped on plenty of times. Personally, I think it's better to cut all ties and not try to 'stay friends'. It never works out, because one person always has a different idea of what 'friendship' is, and usually the break-ee will continue to have feelings and misinterpret friendly gestures on the other's part. I have remained somewhat friends with one or two of my exes, but it's more of an acquaintence sort of thing, and that developed only after a couple years of zero contact at all. There has to be time for those romantic feelings not just to fade, but to disappear entirely.

    But no, you're not alone and you're not abnormal (well not in that respect at least! ;) :p ). Don't necessarily swear off love and romance, but just be willing to see it for what it is--one aspect of your life. An important one, but not everything.

    :hug:
     
  3. graigdavis

    graigdavis TPF Noob!

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    Well since I know nothing about this break up or previous ones its hard to say really. What do you mean by slight dint? (PM me if you want to tell me there).

    I know that any relationship is based on a few things, but really important things. One of them is being able to forgive that person and let it go. If you cant do this then no relationship will ever last because hard situations are always going to happen.

    People only think of Love and relationships as about feelings. Its more than that. Its a decesion and a commitment. I decide to love my gf and nothing is going to change that. Through out a relationship there are always going to be times when your not 'feeling' the love. But people have emotions and they change for a lot of reasons, if you made a true commitment you will stay with them because you still really do love them. People give up to easy IMO.

    I wonder how many marriages could be saved if they were just to admit they were wrong, forgive the person and relize that its more than an emotion, its a decesion. people stop trying and only think about them selves.

    I dont know if any of this really has to do with you personaly, but its what I see most of the time.
     
  4. Not Neve

    Not Neve TPF Noob!

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    Mandababe, I think I know you fairly well. You are a very passinate person and when you are into a relationship you give it your all. The end of a meaningful relationship is going to be painful. If you are thinking you could use the help of a counselor don't be afraid to get that help. Perhaps they could teach you a thing or two but to grieve or be angry are normal reactions. They allow one to heal.

    :heart:
     
  5. graigdavis

    graigdavis TPF Noob!

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    True, as long as you dont hold onto those emotions for long. They will just bring you down. Really to hold on to anger and sadness for more than a few weeks, your just making your life more unhappy than what it could be. Gota make your life about being happy and looking on the bright side of things.

    I know a girl that dated a guy for about 2 years. They broke up almost a year and a half ago. She is still holding onto all these emotions from being with him and breaking up with him. She still gets angry when she finds out hes dating someone else. She still gets depressed when she sees him. Its just not healthy.
     
  6. manda

    manda instigator of pottymouthedness

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    Yes, I agree with things you've said totally Graig. My recent situation does relate to a lot of that and the last thing I actually said to the person involved was that he made a decision to do one thing and his reply was that "it wasnt a decision".

    Which is a big cop out if you ask me. The decisions that were made, were made without my knowledge and this is what has upset me most. Things occurred behind my back and he didn't even have the guts to tell me what he was thinking and feeling, so we could talk about it like adults.
    Now I had to find out this way and I can't even imagine me remaining friends with him ever and thats why im so upset because we started out as friends. We were friends first for 3 years and now that is lost.

    I guess I do have problems with letting go as you also talked about Graig. This is why I think I need to do soemthing about it, because it isnt healthy at all and I know how it affects me.
     
  7. Sharkbait

    Sharkbait TPF Noob!

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    Sounds similar to some of my experiences, manda. It's difficult and takes a LOT of willpower and self-discipline, but what I did that helped was to forcibly start living for myself again. I did things that I enjoyed, and I did them for the sole reason that I enjoyed them. For example, when I would just get out of a relationship, I'd play a really good soccer match or something, and my first reatcion was 'oh I wish so-and-so had been there to see it.' Every time I had a thought like that, I forced myself to stop and correct that thinking. It became 'I had a great time, and I enjoyed it for ME, not for anyone else.' It seems stilted and fake at first, but it really helped me re-tune my way of thinking.
     
  8. Not Neve

    Not Neve TPF Noob!

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    Graig is right, it's the amount of time spent grieving and/or angry that makes it unhealthy. That's the part a counselor may be able to help with. And if you learn anything about that come back and share it with us!
     
  9. terri

    terri Administrator Staff Member Supporting Member

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    Well, honey.... your trust has been broken. That's the bottom line. For long-term relationships and marriages, I'll include mine here, Graig is correct when he says not every second are you "feeling the love". You go into it in love; it can recede and come back, ebb and flow....but the marriage or relationship will endure as long as the fundamental trust is not broken.

    This guy claims not to have made a decision...you're exactly right - that IS a cop out. And he won't own up to his own decisions, or actions, from what I'm gathering here. How frustrating is that to you? Probably makes you want to scream. He's not acting like the person you thought he was. You are taking it out on yourself - "I trusted this guy - I believed this guy! How could I be so stupid? So blind? There must be something wrong with me. I need help."

    Well...you may benefit from airing all this to a trained therapist, but I'm willing ot bet you come away feeling a WHOLE lot better about Manda-pants. This guy committed the actions that were underhanded, and now he won't cop to them. The actions lie with HIM. Not you. YOU are the trustworthy person here - and not only did that SOB take advantage of that, but apparently shrugged it off when you called him on it. Pretty detestable stuff. You don't want to let go, because it means you must admit you were wrong about him and that's what is freaking you out here. Don't let it. He was apparently not showing you the whole *him*, was he?

    Everything you're feeling is completely normal. It's a rational response to irrational behavior. Go talk to someone if you think it will speed up the healing process, but I firmly believe you will heal.

    This other stuff....wanting to bolt if there's a dent in the relationship....is that true? Because it sounds like you were actually doing the opposite here; you were trying to figure out what happened and, if he'd owned up to actions, you might have been able to work through it. He is the one who made that impossible, by denying reality. Can any of us deal with someone who is denying reality??? Good god, no. Don't take it as some personal character flaw because you demand honesty, have high standards. Hang onto them, however grimly you may have to. There are fabulous men in the world, who want the same things you do in a relationship. Maybe he'll turn up soon, maybe not. Go be Manda, go live your life and take care of #1 - that's you, sweetie. :love:
     
  10. Big Mike

    Big Mike I am Big, I am Mike Staff Member Supporting Member

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    I know it's cheesy, but... Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I really believe this.

    When you put yourself out there, there is always the chance that you will get hurt. In fact it's more than likely since most people don't end up with their first love (or second, or third etc.)

    We can't live in fear and doubt...I'm sure we have all seen people who are very jaded by past relationships...and we don't want you to become one of those people. People who are not afraid to love may get hurt but they are much better people.

    Think of it this way...you are a young beautiful woman...the world is your oyster.

    Is that enough cheesy sayings?
     
  11. Sharkbait

    Sharkbait TPF Noob!

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    Some admin needs to make Mike's title "Captain Cliche" ;)
     
  12. Big Mike

    Big Mike I am Big, I am Mike Staff Member Supporting Member

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    I can see it now, Captain Cliché & the Greeting Card Kid.

    Wherever there's hurt feeling, we'll be there.

    I hope Manda gets a chuckle out of this...after all

    Laughter is the best medicine. :wink:
     

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