Resume Blunders

Mitica100 · Jul 22, 2004

These are blunders from real résumés:

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

terri · Jul 22, 2004

Having read one too many winners myself, I appreciate these.... :LOL:

Mitica100 · Jul 22, 2004

...and more:

"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Marital status: Often. Children: Various."

"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

StvShoop · Jul 22, 2004

i stress out about resume's. i really wish employers could take a joke, rather than trashing a resume with funny stuff in it.
"no education or experience" ? it shows they're honest at least :wink:

mrsid99 · Jul 22, 2004

Thank you yet again Mitica, best laugh I've had in ages!

Corry · Jul 23, 2004

Heh heh...my best friend is a store manager for a clothing store...she was interviewing for an opening one time, and she asked the question, "Was would you say a quality you have that you need to work on most". The girl answered "I'm lazy". And then...a week later...I found out the store I work at hired her!!!! She WAS lazy, had a bad attitude, and ended up quitting in a HORRIBLE way.... it was a really busy Sunday and we were already short handed cuz two people called in sick. We usually have at least 4 salespeople on the floor and one manager...so it was just me, her, and the manager. Well, the manager went up to take over the register to let her go on her first break, and she left a note in the office sayiing she quit and WALKED OUT ON US!!!! :irked: