some top tips OLD telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. NO time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. APPLY red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). IF a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off. A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity. WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right. SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help. BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock. OLD folks. Avoid confusion between these new 'microwave' ovens and televisions by cutting out a large letter 'M' in brightly coloured paper, and sticking it to the door of the oven. TEENAGERS. Fed up with posters falling off the wall? Simply file them in a filing cabinet under 'P' and you'll know exactly where to find them if you want a quick look. SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there. SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat. DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air-filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire. Probably. RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again. BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control. HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air. AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return. SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the f*** you're going. PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window. SAVE the cost of installing cable TV by taping current editions of Top Of The Pops and then watching them in fifteen years' time. NEVER attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door. MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them. SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think. PENSIONERS. Don't forget to retire to bed before 8.00 pm so that you can get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and go and collect your morning paper while anyone with any sense is still sound asleep in bed. PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner. WEIGH your pet by first weighing yourself, then weighing yourself again, this time carrying your pet. Deduct the first weight from the second to reveal your pet's weight.(If weighing goldfish, remember to make an allowance for the weight of the bowl and the water). BEE keepers. Keep bee hives in strawberry fields to get jam instead of honey. PRETEND your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the carpet, watering your cans of beer and kicking your wife out into the garden at 11:30. KEEP monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding bananas on top of a wardrobe in your bedroom. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name triangle for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job. BEER bottle tops floated upside down in the bath, make ideal 'dinghies' for spiders. Flies can also use them as aircraft carriers. EAT moderate amounts of food daily so that you do not become too overweight. Then, in the event of collapsing in a toilet cubicle, a passer-by will be able to drag you out through the 6 inch gap under the door and walls. DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. POP a few teabags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.