Squirrel festish...u know who u r!!!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by mygrain, Apr 13, 2005.

  1. mygrain

    mygrain Friend to nose goblins everywhere

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  2. ferny

    ferny TPF Noob!

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    Mmmmmm... Nibbled nuts. :drool:
     
  3. meotter

    meotter TPF Noob!

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    i have a good squirrel story! got this from some other forum a long time ago... hope you enjoy :)
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
    neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

    Little did I suspect.

    I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow
    traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from
    under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

    It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it
    encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time
    to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.

    I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a
    squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the
    impact.

    Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of
    themselves!

    Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet.

    He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with
    steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the
    last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was
    squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The
    leap was nothing short of spectacular...

    He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in
    the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have
    sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

    Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
    As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans
    this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing
    some damage!

    Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
    T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet
    residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And
    losing...
    I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed
    to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the
    left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the
    throw.

    That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It
    really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the
    pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have
    headed home.
    No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This
    was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.

    This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

    Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with
    the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an
    amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather
    antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my
    left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
    His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled,
    to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one
    hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back
    unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the
    throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one
    result.
    TORQUE. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at
    it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

    The squirrel screamed in anger.
    The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
    I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.

    Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
    jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and
    roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential
    street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
    The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
    With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the
    handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

    This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did
    not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had
    not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply
    overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the
    massive power of the big cruiser.

    About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient
    attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI
    attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my
    full-face helmet with me.

    As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite
    sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

    Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
    jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring
    at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail
    sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are
    probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.

    Picture a new scene.

    You are a cop.
    You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and
    parked with your windows down to do somepaperwork.

    Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
    torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove,
    moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars
    by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into
    your police car.

    I heard screams.
    They weren't mine...

    I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front
    wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a
    cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street.

    I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back).

    I really would have.

    Really...

    Except for two things.

    First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about
    me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol
    car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back,
    doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the
    car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street,
    aiming a riot
    shotgun at his own police car.
    So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
    professionals handle it" anyway.

    That was one thing.

    The other?

    Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery
    from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back
    window, shaking his little
    fist at me.

    That is one dangerous squirrel.
    And now he has a patrol car.
    A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

    I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a
    gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I
    decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot
    of Band-Aids.
     
  4. photogoddess

    photogoddess TPF Noob!

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    I first saw that story a year ago and I laughed so hard, I could hardly talk or breathe and had tears running down my face. Thanks for posting it. :D
     
  5. Traci

    Traci when you wish upon a star...

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    The first time I read this I about peed my pants laughing so hard! :biglaugh:
    Thanks for the reminding me... :D
     
  6. mentos_007

    mentos_007 The Freshmaker!

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    poor squirrel... poor animal... imagine: a poor, furry squirrel caught by a huge man on a black cruiser in jeans and t-shirt... poor animal... :D:D
     
  7. Artemis

    Artemis Just Punked Himself

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    Were you part of Tf7? or some star trek role play game?
     
  8. meotter

    meotter TPF Noob!

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    i'm not sure what Tf7 is and i was never part of a star trek role playing game... but thanks for asking... i think? *shrug*
     
  9. mygrain

    mygrain Friend to nose goblins everywhere

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    Don't mind arty...he eats too much double dipped, sugar-coated, radioactive corn puffs. He claims they make him smarter. I think he just likes the way they turn his milk that glowy green.
     

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