Story...No title yet :(

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Artemis, Mar 1, 2005.

  1. Artemis

    Artemis Just Punked Himself

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    Well...I call upon your help again my friends, and I apologise whole hartedly...but It is once again needed.

    I have started writing...a small little story, and...as another testiment to how much I trust and appreciate you guys...id like you to read and correct me on it.

    I dont think ive ever really posted one on a forum before...and its kinda scary cause you guys are gonna see what an idiot I am...but anyways.

    Id like you to correct/guid/help me ANYWHERE you see something that you feels requires this attention.
    Please dont feel that if you say something...I will be offended because that simply isnt true....and if you notice something...that you think would go a little better if I said it like "Bla" instead of "Bleh" then please let me know, then I probably will change it.

    Thanks in advanced :)


    This is what I have so far...

    R. Tiberius waited outside the entrance to detective’s office. As he had been instructed to. Tiberius was rather tall, with a perfectly shaven, clean face.

    He had strong features, and his head was almost perfectly symmetrical, with even details down to his blonde hair having been brushed in exactly the same way either side. Tibiris, had a seemingly unstoppable passion for looking to either side, then ahead of him, about every 3 seconds.

    Tiberius was the latest in his class, made to resemble humans so precisely that even the newest “Real” robots as they were referred to would have trouble telling him apart, until he spoke.


    [font=&quot]The detective, as Tiberius knew all to well, would not take too long, and would soon be rushing out, complaining that yet another person had gotten in his way when he wasn’t meant to.


    [/font]
    [font=&quot]Thanks for reading :)
    [/font]
     
  2. Andrea K

    Andrea K TPF Noob!

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    i like the story and am interested in reading the rest when you write it

    the only suggestion i can make grammar wise is that you ended a couple sentences with prepositions (i.e. "to") I don't know if you really care but from my english classes that is a no no.

    so for instance you could rewrite the first two sentences : R. Tiberius waited outside the entrance to the detective's office as he had been instructed. (i think that sounds right)

    i hope i wasnt too picky, i tried to help :D
     
  3. Artemis

    Artemis Just Punked Himself

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    Nope, you werent to picky at all, thanks alot mate, I see the Error now...and please pick out all Grammer problems :D
     
  4. Unimaxium

    Unimaxium TPF Noob!

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    Just a few picky things from me:



    • Like Andrea mentioned, the second sentence needs to be put together with the first, although I would still separate them with a comma. And like she said the word "to" could use to go, as you're not "technically" supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, and it doesn't really subtract anthing by removing it. So it might read like this: "R. Tiberius waited outside the entrance to detective’s office, as he had been instructed."
    • Also, similarly, I think the first and second paragraphs would go well together as one since they share a similar topic (the description of Tiberius). If you want, you could put the first sentence as its own line and then just merge the "Tiberius was rather tall, with a perfectly shaven, clean face." into the paragraph below
    • The phrase "...down to his blonde hair having been brushed in exactly the same way either side" sounds awkward, mostly because of the word "having." It would probably sound better if it were something like "...down to his blonde hair, which was brushed in exactly..." Just a simple matter of word choice.
    • There's a typo in Tiberius's name in the second paragraph ;)
    • In the third paragraph, "as they were referred to" needs to be separated from the rest of the sentence with some kind of pause, like a comma or, even better in my opinion, a dash, like: "..so precisely that even the newest “real” robots -- as they were referred to -- would have trouble telling him apart..."
    • The last sentence sounds good to me :)
    Hope you like my critique ;)
     
  5. Artemis

    Artemis Just Punked Himself

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    Thats fantastic! Thanks for that :)
     

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