The Incredible Mitch Hedberg : Part 1 I got this in an email a few years ago and it made me laugh so much that I saved it to hard drive. It still makes me laugh rereading it. * I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. * If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell..... that would be completely unacceptable... * I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly... * I hope the next time I move I'll get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough" * I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I needed to rewrite it. I said, "**** that, I'll just make a copy." * I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. ... "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "****, I had to be somewhere..."!!! * That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me." * I saw a six pack of soda-pop for $1.20. That price f***s with your head, man. Because then I though that I would start selling soda-pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. "What's going on, Mitch." "Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It's not refridgerated because this is a half assed commitment." * My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy..." Then I thought, 'man, I should have just said, "yeah"... * I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said 'Please Try Again' .....because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me.... 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top' * I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. * Foosball f***ed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys. * I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military. * The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're f***ing relentless. * I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said "**** it. Cut em up." * A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. * I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that...day. * An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." * Because of [dropping] Acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bulls**t. * I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. * I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. * My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like..... "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause." * I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. * People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. * I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes. * I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah, reminds me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on ..."better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine..." * In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought ...... 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. "Hey.....here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world.