The Incredible Mitch Hedberg : Part 2 * I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow ****. * I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. * Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load sh** into a truck. * I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others. * I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..." * I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of sh** you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator ...!" This letter took a harsh turn right away... *...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated. * I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.... How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick? * I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language. * I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault......Bigfoot is blurry.... And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run ! He's fuzzy ! Get outta here ! * I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.... * One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, ... "Here's a picture of me when I was younger......" Every picture of you is of when you were younger. ! Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a b****, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera... * My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first... * ...Every time I go and shave I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave too" * Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky.... "Look what I got motherf****er, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up..." * My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. * On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the f*** did you get that banana at...?! * I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. * If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f***ed up. * I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential. *I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. * I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill... * I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut.... To some skeptical friend : " Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here..." * I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too...I tried to taste it, but it did not work... * You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together... * 2-in-1 is a bulls**t term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. * I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips... * I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. * I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly... * This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty. * I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. * I played golf...I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying... ...You're supposed to yell 'fore' but I kept thinking there ain't no way that's gonna hit him. * I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left...I guess I can't have one" * At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly...." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick." * My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! F***. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice." * I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.