The Last Thing I'll Ever See (Mature Theme. Fake Blood)

Discussion in 'Dark Side Gallery' started by Hof8231, Jun 28, 2013.

  1. Hof8231

    Hof8231 TPF Supporters Supporting Member

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    I'm glad that you're doing well now! For the longest time, I was scared to death (no pun intended) about how I would handle seeing/holding a gun. I mean, when I got out of the hospital, I had I think 7 handguns and 2 rifles that I still could legally own. Those guns are all gone now, except the one I used. That's still in the "evidence" box from the police station. There's still dried blood all over it. So much so that I can't even rack the slide. The first time I held it, I got a rush of memories back that I can only describe as terrifying. I was in my house at at school and my parents were in the room. I could see and feel everything. The initial gunshot. The panicked rushing through my apartment to grab towels to stop the bleeding, the walking to the police station right behind where I lived, falling twice in the snow. The helicopter ride to UPMC. I basically relived the entire thing in the span of 5 minutes. It was intense. Since then, I've gone to a gun store like you did, held some guns, even went shooting with a friend of mine. I'm completely fine with guns now. I'm a die hard supporter of the 2nd Amendment (not to start a political debate) so I knew I'd be fine with them again eventually. Thank you for taking the time to reply :)

    Damn dude.

    A. The way you wrote that was really powerful and well done.
    B. That's just crazy. While I didn't have a wife or kid, I can relate in many ways to your friend. I'm sorry for your loss and what you must have gone through. I will admit that thinking about hurting people isn't really at the top our list when we're that low. It's not that we don't care (and I don't mean to speak for everyone) but things are just so overwhelming that we can't see past the pain. If I had, I would have said "Forget her, I have dozens of other people who love me." thanks for sharing your story with me.

    I honestly think the way he worded everything is perfect. I can relate to many ways to his friend, and I had a few friends who I can place essentially in his spot in the time leading up to my attempt. It's a very strange thing. It's not black and white. I know saying "you wouldn't understand" is kind of a cop out, but at least in my case and experience, the mind of a depressed person is a very dark and confusing place.

    I'm glad you understand it. It just helps me to kind of piece everything back together and capture it.

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    UPDATE IF ANYONE'S INTERESTED:

    Sorry so much time has passed, I honestly forgot about this thread. I'm kind of ashamed at how awful that picture was, but at the same time, I love it because it shows where I was at the time and how far I've come.

    I'm enjoying life right now. Things aren't perfect, no. They never will be. I'll always live with depression. But things have been better lately. I'm working for an indoor football team as their photographer and it's been a blast. My face and voice are still kind of messed up from the bullet so I'm still a little more shy than I used to be, but I'm able to hold conversations with people now without being too self conscious. My photographs have caught the attention of several other teams in the league and the league itself, as my work (in their words, not mine) is so much better and more professional than any of the other photographers. That made me feel pretty good. Also, my boss works for MLB.com and is sending my photos to MLB teams to try and help me advance, which is damn awesome of him.

    As far as mentally, I'm still seeing a therapist. It's about every other week now, and I've developed a nice relationship with her. I no longer really do much of the "dark" photography. I still dabble in it to, as I say, feed my demons, but it's not something I really focus on much anymore. I'm much more focused on sport and music photography, and shooting/editing is some of my best therapy in my opinion. No girlfriend, but I've had a few little flings that have really helped to boost my self esteem. I still keep in contact with all my good friends that helped me through this, and I still have an incredible relationship with my family.

    So yeah, if any of you care, I'm doing pretty well :) I'm happier now than I ever was before this, and I absolutely love where my photography is taking me. Funny, if I never attempted suicide, I don't think I ever would have picked up a camera. I took it up as a hobby during my recovery because it wasn't strenuous but would still get me outside and moving. Now I'm looking to make a career of it. Crazy how that stuff works, huh? I appreciate all of your input and support. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

    -Steve


     
  2. W.Y.Photo

    W.Y.Photo No longer a newbie, moving up!

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    I get what you mean when you say its helpful. I've used photography as a way to deal with and express myself after a severe bought of depression and its just amazing to get those dark feelings and thoughts off your chest so it doesn't eat you alive inside..

    I'm glad you've found a way to express yourself that is both helpful and allows you to live with your past rather than ignoring it and letting it bottle up. Thats what makes photography so therapeutic!!
     

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