Think about it

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by lostprophet, Oct 16, 2006.

  1. lostprophet

    lostprophet No longer a newbie, moving up!

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    Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

    If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

    If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

    I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

    So, what's the speed of dark?

    How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

    After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

    Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

    If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

    I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

    Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

    Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

    If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?


    Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

    Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

    How come abbreviated is such a long word?

    If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

    Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

    Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

    Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

    Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

    If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

    If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

    What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

    If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

    Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

    Do fish get cramps after eating?

    Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

    Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

    Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

    If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

    When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

    Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

    Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

    How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

    If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

    Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

    Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

    Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

    Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

    Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

    What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

    Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

    Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

    Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

    War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

    I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

    If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

    For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

    Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing...

    I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out"....

    If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

    I invented the cordless extension cord

    I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

    A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it'

    Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

    While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?

    When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

    I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car...

     
  2. CESTO

    CESTO TPF Noob!

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    FANTASTIC! Thanks!
     
  3. Overread

    Overread has a hat around here somewhere Staff Member Supporting Member

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    :lmao::lmao::lmao:

    ps because this computer his old and broken and slow (heck the mouse dosn't work....) great videos too!

    I'm not jealous



    really........



    so where do you live again?
     
  4. MrRamonG

    MrRamonG TPF Noob!

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    Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
    They still make tapes?

    If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
    No, the situation is negated.

    If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
    Teenagers

    I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
    At least you didn’t say Id be back before you know it.

    So, what's the speed of dark?
    The antithesis of the speed of light.

    How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
    Gruntled employees don’t make the news for obvious reasons, they are boring.

    After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
    Only if they are going to be walking fast.

    Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
    Cuz it stinks.

    If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
    A box dumb@$$.

    I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
    Why, they could pretend they are God.

    Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
    Because if the procedure fails, they would hate to accidentally burry a live person, with an infection.

    Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
    I don’t know how a cannibal tastes.

    If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
    Because they are a capitalist experiment.

    Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
    A person with a lisp was trying to explain his infliction to a doctor and couldn’t say lips.

    Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
    Speak or type in forums.

    How come abbreviated is such a long word?
    Because it's supposed to be shorter than abreviatedcomplexsyndrome.

    If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
    Colder than a witch’s titty.

    Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
    Because we are animals of habit.

    Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
    What, are you lazy?

    Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
    Because they are compartments of the whole.

    Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
    Because, we-like-to-screw-you fee was too honest.

    If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
    Infinity has no end.

    If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
    Not if it is still in the general direction you had to travel.

    What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
    Backwards.

    If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
    Depends if any limbs were broken.



    I HAVE TO STOP!!!
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2010

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