What are your favorite one-liners?

[Corry]

Just like the subject says: What are your favorite one-liner jokes?

If they are racy, be sure to put an NSFW warning and a leave a space for scrolling down.


One of my favorites (because of the high cheese factor) is:

Two guys walk into a bar....the third one ducks!

:mrgreen:

I crack me up.

 

[Ajay]

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

 

[lostprophet]

There was a little boy who lived in a far away land. Close to the boy's home, there was a tall mountain, always covered in snow at the top. Also at the top of the mountain, there was an ancient monastery where ancient monks lived.

Sometimes, the little boy, as he was riding his tricycle around his yard, would look up at the monastery on the tall mountain and wonder what it was like up there.

One day, when the wind was blowing down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold and the little boy could hear a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the little boy made a peanut butter sandwich, hopped on his tricycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours and hours, but he finally made it to the top. He bravely pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

'Hello, Mr. Monk, sir. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?'

'I'm sorry,' replied the head monk, 'I can't tell you. You aren't a monk.'

Sadly, the little boy got back on his tricycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was a bit bigger and stronger now and now rode around town on his bicycle.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the bigger boy made a beef cheese sandwich, hopped on his bicycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours, but he finally made it to the top. He knocked on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

'Hey, Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?'

'I'm sorry,' replied the head monk, 'I can't tell you. You aren't a monk.'

Sadly, he got back on his bicycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy had grown into a strapping youth now and rode around town on his motorcycle.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, he grabbed a slice of pizza, hopped on his motorcycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 30 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

'Yo, Monk, dude. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?'

'I'm sorry,' replied the head monk, 'I can't tell you. You aren't a monk.'

Sadly, he got back on his motorcycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was now a young man and often rode around in his new convertible sports car.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the young man bought a burger at a fast food place, got in his convertible sports car, and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 20 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

'Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?'

'I'm sorry,' replied the head monk, 'I can't tell you. You aren't a monk.'

Sadly, the young man got back in his convertible sportscar and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

That night, he thought and thought about the very strange noise and how he just had to know what caused it. So, he resolved to do something about it the next day.

The next day, he got in his convertible sportscar and raced up the mountain, slammed on his brakes, and skidded to a stop right in front of the massive door to the monastery. He pounded on the door until it was opened.

'Alright, Mr. Monk, I want to know what is making that very strange noise coming from you monastery!'

'I'm sorry,' replied the head monk, 'I can't tell you. You aren't a monk.'

'Well, then can I become a monk?'

'Why certainly! It is quite easy. You must count the number of blades of grass in this field.' The monk pointed out a long, huge field of grass that covered acres and acres. "After you finish that, you must count the number of grains of sand on that beach.' And with that he pointed out to an even larger beach nearby. "When you return with your answer, then you shall be a monk.'

So the young man began to count. For years and years he counted the blades of grass and grains of sand, until one day he had finally finished. He made his way slowly back to the monastery and found the head monk.

'Oh, Mr. Monk, I have counted all the blades of grass and grains of sand. I finally know that there are 145,236,284 blades of grass in the field and 231,281,219,382 grains of sand on the beach, and I would like to become a monk.'

So the man became a monk. At last, he would now be able to find out the source of that very strange noise coming from the monastery.

'Mr. Monk, what is the noise coming from the monastery?' asked the new monk.

The head monk replied, 'The source is too complicated to describe in words. I am afraid that you must see it for yourself to truly understand it. Follow me.'

The monk led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"

The monk gives him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monk gives him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monk, who provides it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monk say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and looks upon the source of the strange sound.

And the strange sound was.....







































well sorry but I can't tell what the strange sound was, you see your not a Monk

 

[lostprophet]

oh you mean just ONE line

 

[kundalini]

Mine are no longer politically correct.

 

[lifeafter2am]

It's lonely at the top, but it's comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom.



There is no greater joy than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality.



I love Despair.com!

 

[Hertz van Rental]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather - not screaming in terror like his passengers.

But you can't beat the great Max Miller:

"I was walking along this narrow mountain pass - so narrow that nobody else could pass you, when I saw a beautiful blonde walking towards me. A beautiful blonde with not a stitch on, yes, not a stitch on, lady. Cor blimey, I didn't know whether to toss myself off or block her passage."

 

[Corry]

hahahaha, I had to read that twice to get it!

 

[Fangman]

Why do Americans always have a silent "P" in bath - bathing - swimming and shower, yet leave you out of neighbourliness. Colourful lot!

 

[Alex_B]

I read on-liners and just came into this thread out of curiousity what an on-liner might be.

 

[Hertz van Rental]

Some kind of boating holiday, probably.

 

[Fangman]

One liner is very much like another - except the Titanic which never quite made it!

 

[Corry]

I have another one, but I think Joe will get mad at me if I post it.....it's his faaaavorite!

Joe, get in here!

 

[Fangman]

Congratulations on the scholarship!

I was fortunate in getting a grammar school education for free - a place at Guy's Hospital and 5 yrs training all free!

Today I would have been owing about £40,000 for the 5 years as a student and very few grammar Schools left!

 

[Corry]

Congratulations on the scholarship!

I was fortunate in getting a grammar school education for free - a place at Guy's Hospital and 5 yrs training all free!

Today I would have been owing about £40,000 for the 5 years as a student and very few grammar Schools left!

Huh wha me? You must have clicked my sig.

Thanks! I will be applying for more scholarships shortly!

Anyway, back to the one-liners!!!!