Why are people so unkind?

manda · May 12, 2004

I'm not usually one to come into the forum and moan about personal stuff but today I need to vent.

For reasons I won't go intol this morning started out hurrendously for me on a persoanl level and it was just a day I was going to have to coast through till the end.
So I arrive at work feeling like utter crap, wishing that nobody would come near me all day, walk into the staffroom to have someone I consider a very good friend to make some horribly catty remarks at me.

She has never said anything like this to me before, she has a rep for doing so to others but I never ruffle feathers, Im easy to get along with and she is my friend, therefore shes never had words with me before.

She said these things to me which basically made me feel like I was about 2 cm tall, and really caused me to question my place within the staff. This is my 4th yr at the school and without sounding like a head swell, Im a well respected, well liked member of the staff. Nobody ever seems to ahve a problem with me and for some reason, with 2 comments from one person, I have been made to feel like I dont belong there anymore and made to feel guilty for even being in the staffroom.

I just cant get over how someone I considered a friend could turn on me over night. I dont know why she made such hurtful remarks and shes really done so much damage that I cant even talk to her. I also am worried that she went and then told others that I was complaining about something as though ive done something wrong, which I hadnt.

It was the absolute worst day she could have picked to have a go at me and i wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.

Any advice on how to get over this and get my confidence back? Ive never had problems with people at work before in my life, so Im kinda in shockl and dont know how to go about it. Im sure she doesnt even realise shes upset me, cause shes so hard towards others at times.

Ugh

Sorry for the long rant..I just needed to vent.

havoc · May 12, 2004

Sorry to hear about the shitty day Manda. I dunno how i can make you happy again, but i am sure that Trish would love to help cheer you up. I hear he has "special" ways of helping you out. At least he dreams about helping you out in those ways. What was really disturbing though was when he asked me why his bed was wet after such dreams...... :cokespit:

Lula · May 12, 2004

So sorry to hear that....I don't really know you but over the time i've been here on the forum, i always thought that you are very sweet and kind person! Hope you're days get better and better, u deserve it gal!
:hug:

MDowdey · May 12, 2004

Manda,

listen..at some point you are going to have to confront the ***** and explain to her that talking about you is highly unacceptable....

i think we as a race of humans have resigned ourselves to the fact that we should just shut up and not make waves, sweetheart, now its time to make waves.

we all love ya!!!

md

Luminosity · May 12, 2004

Hiya Manda

I don't know this chica but at first glance it seems like the problem starts and ends with HER ... seems like it aint got nada ta do with ya darl. I say this based on your comment that she is catty towards other ppl.Also that this incident between you and her seems to have come outta the blue ? Whatever you do , DON'T take it personally.She must be feelin bad about herself personally thats why she then passes it off to other ppl and attempts to make THEM feel just as bad...whether she realizes shes doing it or not.
I get a lotta shite from work ( from the boss ) talkin down to me /yelling etc and I know how upsetting it is and how much it can bring ya down for the whole day if ya let it. Ya know what I do tho ( when I remember lol ) ... I close my eyes and think of a parcel/box , visualize puttin all my anger/hurt (at that particular moment) into it and send it off until its a speck in the distance.Helps calm ya down and put things into perspective.
Also I reckon ya need to have a private , calm chat with her and let her know how much she upset you and go over other stuff if need be. Hopefully she can have a mature chat about her attitude without gettin defensive ?
Cheers Manda ... tomorrow will be a better day :goodvibe:

Sharkbait · May 12, 2004

My dad has a great saying... No matter what you do for a job, no matter if you work with 3 people or 300 at a job, there will always be at least one asshole, and you're going to have to deal with them. Sounds like you've finally run aground of your asshole.

My advice is to politely and as non-confrontationally as possible (but still firmly) tell her that you didn't appreciate the things she said, etc.

A couple months ago our IT person went behind my back to the director of computing services for the entire corporation when I rearranged some of my computer equipment in my classroom. There was a big stink that could've been cleared up on the spot if she'd just talked to me about it first. After it was all sorted out, I just sent her an email and told her flat out if she had a problem with me in the future to come to me about it rather than going behind my back. Unfortunately, she's petty and pissy and now I'm always last on the list to get my computer problems taken care of. :roll: But I feel okay because my position is firm--she knows where I'm coming from and if I ever have a real issue I won't hesitate to go over her head.

For your situation, if nothing else I guess you could go to your principal and let him/her know that this person has said some really mean things and it's made you feel very uncomfortable to even be in the building with her. Not an ultimatum or anything, but the higher-ups should know that this person is making waves.

mrsid99 · May 12, 2004

manda said:
Any advice on how to get over this and get my confidence back?

Lead with your left!
Dear Manda, you're obviously a very sweet non-confrontational person but sooner or later you have to stand on your hind legs and assert yourself, go to it gal!

terri · May 12, 2004

Poor babygirl.... :hug:

She's NOT your friend, honey. If you've seen her (heard her) in action like this before she turned on YOU, that was a red flag that it was only a matter of time. She probably has let you slide because you ARE well-respected there, get along with everyone...kinda hard to drop-kick someone who is popular in that way. You know?

I'm sure this is painful for you. Probably the best thing to do would be to confront her about it....IF you think it will do any good, long-term. I don't know her, and without getting a vibe from her I can't say if it will help things between you, or not. It might make it worse for you, if she's not used to being confronted. It's more about what will make YOU feel better, really. Let her know you won't tolerate her bs, however kindly you can find a way to do that.

You might let it go for a few days...give her a chance to come to you. She might actually re-think her harshness and try to make it up to you, somehow. Probably not, but you never know.

ugh - hate it for you, babe. Having to work around someone so miserable and unprofessional like that. But however it plays out, you BETTER do this: hold that gorgeous head up HIGH, because you haven't done a damn thing wrong! Be proud of who you are and what you do there. Remember that - and you'll get your confidence back.

And.....WHY are people so unkind....? For that I have no answer.

markc · May 12, 2004

Luminosity said:
Hiya Manda
I don't know this chica but at first glance it seems like the problem starts and ends with HER ... seems like it aint got nada ta do with ya darl. I say this based on your comment that she is catty towards other ppl.Also that this incident between you and her seems to have come outta the blue ? Whatever you do , DON'T take it personally.She must be feelin bad about herself personally thats why she then passes it off to other ppl and attempts to make THEM feel just as bad...whether she realizes shes doing it or not.

I completely agree. It sounds like she has a lot of bitterness in her. Her garbage isn't yours, however. It's hard not to pick it up when it's addressed to you, but it isn't your stuff; she's just scribbled your name on it. Don't take it inside; just toss it in the trash-bin. That's where it belongs. You deserve better.

How about these, instead?

Not Neve · May 12, 2004

Why are people so unkind? I'm the wrong person to ask this week!

Manda, the problem most definitely isn't you! My first response would be for you to confront her (as most have already said before me). Where I work that is strongly encouraged by management. They really don't even want to hear about something until you've confronted the person or if you want someone to sit in on a meeting while you confront the person. It was hard, at first, but I really think it makes people put things in prospective and decide if it's worth the effort.

My second response would be stop being friends with her. You can still be polite and professional towards her but she doesn't deserve you as a friend if she treats you like this. If she's always been like that towards others then it was only a matter of time til she did it to you.

I hope you're day is better today! She better be nice or else........

Mitica100 · May 12, 2004

manda said:
Any advice on how to get over this and get my confidence back? Ive never had problems with people at work before in my life, so Im kinda in shockl and dont know how to go about it. Im sure she doesnt even realise shes upset me, cause shes so hard towards others at times.

Ugh

Sorry for the long rant..I just needed to vent.

Manda, so sorry to hear about this!... I feel that the best thing you can do, not only to get over this upsetting situation and re-gaining your confidence but also professionally speaking, is to show up for work with a smile on your face. When you talk to your 'friend' smile. When you talk to your boss smile. Smile and do your work as you've done it before. That way your so called 'friend' will be the one looking ridiculous and I'll bet my socks that she'll be fretting all over not knowing why it didn't affect you. Meanwhile, if you can, think about what might have upset your 'friend' in the past to make her say things about you. When you think you discovered what might have caused her outbreak, sit down with her and talk about it. If she opts for sitting down with you and chatting about it both of you will feel better, if she doesn't... Well, there are always other real friends around the world! Hang in there, meanwhile, we love you up here in the cyber-photo world.

:hug:

graigdavis · May 12, 2004

Part of me thinks you should sit down with her and talk about it like grown ups.

The other part of me thinks you should challenge her to a Jello fight. You know, just to settle things.

man Im bored, please ignore the above statments.

Osmer_Toby · May 12, 2004

could always *****-slap her~

Lula · May 12, 2004

Osmer_Toby wrote:

could always *****-slap her~

Walt · May 12, 2004

I've dealt with a lot of people like that over the years. There are always people who will vent on people that are seen as nice and won't stand their ground. Get in her face and explain that it was a load of crap and you won't stand for it. I would be surprised if it ever happened again.