I'm a noob too, but I'll give it a shot. I like the compostion, but I think it's a little light and needs a tad more color.
This is my first...
Hi, I'd like to talk to you about becoming a student of yours in the mentor program. My email addy is email@example.com
How do we send you a pm to inquire about the mentoring program? My email addy is firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you.
Separate names with a comma.