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2012 Olympics in London
As you know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in
2012. What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go
to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for
2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced
below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the
roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will
be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
most physical damage within three attempts.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible
in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van In the second round, competitors
will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages
delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this
event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore
shotgun.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
and arson.
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this
year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples
on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be
provided by 'The Verve'.
THE MARATHON
May have to be cancelled as a safe route can not be found
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,
especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will
be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch
invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium
itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it
and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Late News:
Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the
above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging
a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm
Down' contest.
Stop Press:
To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing
has been waived this year.
As you know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in
2012. What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go
to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for
2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced
below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the
roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will
be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
most physical damage within three attempts.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible
in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van In the second round, competitors
will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages
delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this
event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore
shotgun.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
and arson.
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this
year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples
on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be
provided by 'The Verve'.
THE MARATHON
May have to be cancelled as a safe route can not be found
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,
especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will
be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch
invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium
itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it
and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Late News:
Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the
above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging
a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm
Down' contest.
Stop Press:
To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing
has been waived this year.
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