Aviation Jokes

Meysha

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I know we've got a few aviation enthusiasts on this board so I thought I'd share some jokes I've been gathering. Sorry if these offend any pilots, ATCs, students, air hosties, ground staff etc.

After a lengthy delay at the gate while waiting to depart, the Captain finally came on the PA system and announced: "I'm sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and removes the handles is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it all by hand today!"
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Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
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"Flight 1234, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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Student pilot in ROG operating in the BCS [Bacchus Marsh] training area was suspected of penetrating R362D. Asked to turn on to a heading of 360 for identification, ROG complied.
ROG: "ROG heading 370."
Sec 5: "There's no such heading as 370!"
ROG: "Affirmative, I'm on it."
Sec 5: "Could that be heading 270?"
ROG: "Negative. Definitely 370."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 1247"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact. Departure on frequency 1247. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified our caterers"
 

luckydog

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Some Aussie military ones for you......

Darwin International during a military training exercise in the late 90s. P3C taxiing for 11/29 (very long runway). Exercise callsigns (planet names - Mars, Neptune etc) were being used and the P3C had the callsign "Uranus". As the P3 is taxiing, ground calls and asks: "Uranus, can you make an intersection departure?". Copilot replies(unwittingly) with "Negative, Uranus requires the full length." Shortly thereafter the P3C comes to a halt because the pilot is no longer capable of taxiing the aircraft due to being doubled over laughing. Ground takes a while to respond with "Roger" almost drowned out by the raucous laughter in the background.

In the lines at Naval Air Station Nowra, a Grumman Tracker is about to taxi, under the command of the squadron CO. The Fleet Air Arm used the aircraft side number for callsigns on training flights.

Heard in the tower...

(Tracker ) Ground this is 8...

(Tracker) 8.....

(Tracker) Ground you have the binoculars - which tracker is running.

(SMC) 854

(Tracker) Ground this is 854 taxi one.........


:)
 

ferny

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Darwin International during a military training exercise in the late 90s. P3C taxiing for 11/29 (very long runway). Exercise callsigns (planet names - Mars, Neptune etc) were being used and the P3C had the callsign "Uranus". As the P3 is taxiing, ground calls and asks: "Uranus, can you make an intersection departure?". Copilot replies(unwittingly) with "Negative, Uranus requires the full length." Shortly thereafter the P3C comes to a halt because the pilot is no longer capable of taxiing the aircraft due to being doubled over laughing. Ground takes a while to respond with "Roger" almost drowned out by the raucous laughter in the background.
:biglaugh: :lol: :mrgreen:

I needed that laugh. Thanks! :mrgreen:
 

mentos_007

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hahahah the second and third are the best :D thanks!
 

luckydog

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A F111 pilot had an annoying habit of returning to the circuit and announcing "Guess who" over the radio. He was asked a number of times to cease this behaviour, which he didn't. Then during night flying exercises they had it planned so he would be the last one to return. As he was coming in he let out his obligatory "guess who" upon which the ATC turned off the runway lights and called back "Guess where"
 

Xmetal

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luckydog said:
A F111 pilot had an annoying habit of returning to the circuit and announcing "Guess who" over the radio. He was asked a number of times to cease this behaviour, which he didn't. Then during night flying exercises they had it planned so he would be the last one to return. As he was coming in he let out his obligatory "guess who" upon which the ATC turned off the runway lights and called back "Guess where"

Gold! Pure Gold! :lol: :lol:

Darryl i've got a nice USAF Vid here you might like, it's called 'The Air Force Fun' :) Shows what USAF Pilots really get upto in their spare time. :lol:
 

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