Geronimo
No longer a newbie, moving up!
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2003
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- 1,329
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- Next to the point of no return.
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This is some kind of chilli contest:
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
Frank
"Recently, I was hondored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sisck at thte last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for the directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tastin, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili #2 George Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge #1 -- Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exiting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I located a uranium spill. My nose feels like a I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.
Chili #4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaind, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb barmaid is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 Linda Lindastrom's Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm buring my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili #6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian vaiety chili. Good balance of spices and pepppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- I **** myself when I fated and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that girl Sally. She must be kinkier then I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili #7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1 -- A medicore chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 -- This final entery is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili post down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
Frank
"Recently, I was hondored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sisck at thte last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for the directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tastin, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili #2 George Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge #1 -- Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exiting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I located a uranium spill. My nose feels like a I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.
Chili #4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaind, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb barmaid is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 Linda Lindastrom's Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm buring my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili #6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian vaiety chili. Good balance of spices and pepppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- I **** myself when I fated and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that girl Sally. She must be kinkier then I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili #7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1 -- A medicore chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 -- This final entery is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili post down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
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