Chuck Norris

Darfion · Jan 19, 2006

I nicked this from another site btw.:greenpbl:

Things you should know about Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE
YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
f*** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of
this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he
threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so
he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.
If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He
also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people
just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His
have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black
belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out
of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

omeletteman · Jan 19, 2006

HAHA! I heard some people talking about these "facts" before, but hadn't read them. I had no idea Chuck Norris was so awesome...

Darfion · Jan 19, 2006

Shhhhhhh! he might hear you and well, you know the rest :mrgreen:

digital flower · Jan 19, 2006

Well that's about as much as I ever want to know about Chuckie :lol:

Oops, maybe he'll kick my a$$ for saying that :blackeye: :shaking::shaking:

Rob · Jan 19, 2006

Darfion said:
This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

That line has always bothered me in the various permutations of the Chuck Norris thing... :lmao:

Rob

'Daniel' · Jan 19, 2006

Yeh I've seen these I have a few more as well:

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in
a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months
later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the
only undefeated and untied team in professional football
history.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat
cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day
for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to
rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that, Lance Armstrong.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh!t from anybody.

The Ghostbusters call Chuck Norris.

bace · Jan 19, 2006

Chuck Norris's Response:

IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris

Corry · Jan 19, 2006

bace said:
Chuck Norris's Response:

IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris

Are you serious?

thebeginning · Jan 19, 2006

now he sounds like a nerd. some geeky agent of his probably wrote that.

MommyOf4Boys · Jan 19, 2006

MacGuyver was much cooler!!

"There's nothing you can't do if you have a Swiss Army Knife, a roll of duct tape, and your wits."

Darfion · Jan 20, 2006

Tempra will know where i nicked this from :taps side of nose.gif:

Corry · Jan 20, 2006

MommyOf4Boys said:
MacGuyver was much cooler!!

"There's nothing you can't do if you have a Swiss Army Knife, a roll of duct tape, and your wits."

Alright...now you are forcing me to go in search of the Chuck Norris vs MacGuyver quote...

Corry · Jan 20, 2006

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.

EDIT: Or I suppose I can just list an entire 'nother list of Chuck Norris quotes:

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in
the face.

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck,
to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have
felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "F*cking."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and
Chuck Norris.

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean
to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him
with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox,
which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating
in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral s*x, KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris always has s*x on the first date. Always. The only time
he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the
Holocaust.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right,
B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection.
There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could
use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game
of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy cr*p! That's Chuck
Norris!" Then she had had s*x with him. At that point, she was the third
girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up
with lactose's sh*t.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's
pushing the Earth down