Complaint of the year

[Darfion]

The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer
complaint letter sent to NTL (from their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions. Please allow me to
provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional
prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or
more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading
material as you
while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog
in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....
HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an
activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived...six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I
estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between
about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems
also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back); that no telephone line is available (and
someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who
knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer
machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will
be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore,
if I continue.

I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there
isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of
success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile
and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed
to deliver- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief -quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps
bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time
of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's
worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John

 

[mrsid99]

Absolutely brilliant!
Only the British could compose such thoughtful prose!
There are a few references, such as NTL, that I haven't heard of (it was still the Gippos when I left) but it did my heart good to see someone use the language so well.
Thank you and keep posting!

 

[altyfc]

NTL have a lot to answer for - have a look at this thread on our business forums: http://www.aardvarkbusiness.net/chat/viewtopic.php?t=170

:?

Aaron

 

[havoc]

That is by far the best complaint letter i have ever read. Previously working in customer service i have read some doozies, but that was bloody brilliant!

 

[manda]

the words twat and cretin should be used more commonly

 

[mrsid99]

the words twat and cretin should be used more commonly

Depends on which grade you're teaching.