Its Over.

[Soul Rebel]

Thanks guys. Ive spent almost the entire day over there and Michelle even asked if I wanted to watch movies. I am headed to the HS to take my mom and sister up there so they can then head to the airport, then to Washington D.C. for the week. Michelle asked if I could come back. What happens I dont know. I am not expecting anything. It just feels good that she invited me. She did say she missed having me around and that she loves me. So that is good.

Thanks again for the happy birthday wish. Despite the fact that I neglected my own family here, which I feel horrible for, its been a good day. No emotional episodes today, so that is a step in the right direction.

 

[Soul Rebel]

So things are going a lot better. We all went up to Seattle to take the kids to the zoo and we spent the night in a motel. It was a good nght. Despite the fact that we are not going to put the "together" tag on anything she did say that we pretty much are since we have been spending all of our time together. She did say that she was still in love with me and that she wanted to be with me but there were issues that needed to be hammered out. She needs to see that my anger is going to be kept under control and we are not going to argue all the time like we had been. She also does not know how her dad is going to take things since he doesnt even know I have watched the kids. It sounded tonight like she might tell them soon and she is going out there tomorrow, so I dont know.

I am very optimistic about things. I asked her if we were talking months or years and she said probably months. I dont know. I know that she loves me and things that happened (no details) really showed me that the spark and desire for a relationship is still there.

I still love her and I know she loves me and with this information I can finally sit and relax. Tonight is the first night I wont be sitting over there to watch movies and cuddle and while I do feel a bit empty and I wish I could be over there I am content. I dont know what I am going to do tonight but I am doing ok.

 

[MommyOf4Boys]

I am so happy to hear that things are smoothing out! I have kept you in my prayers.
The best thing the two of you can do is take things slow. By taking things slowly, it gives both of you time to adjust to your new lifestyle and adapt to how you must react when together.

 

[Soul Rebel]

I am so happy to hear that things are smoothing out! I have kept you in my prayers.
The best thing the two of you can do is take things slow. By taking things slowly, it gives both of you time to adjust to your new lifestyle and adapt to how you must react when together.

Thank you.

We are definately taking it slow. Well, she is. If I had my way we would be together now but I am glad, despite the fact that it is driving me nuts, that she is doing this. Everybody told me I needed to move on and with the things being said there was no chance but even from the start I knew our love was so strong that we would pull through. I wish I had sat back and realized this and found comfort in it. It would have saved me a lot of heartache.

I am a very impatient person. Right now she is over there watching movies and drinking her six pack (which despite what my mother says is perfectly healthy and fine) and hanging out with the friend she is living with. This is good. We need some time apart. But I dont like it. I want to see her. I wanted her to tell me that I could come over. I have been watching my cell phone. I feel lonely. However, I feel hopeful and that tomorrow the sun will rise (like somebody said but I had to see that one to believe it, lol) and it will start a new day. A new day that has hope and gives me another opportunity to better myself and to talk to Michelle.

Thank you everybody.

 

[Soul Rebel]

Well I guess it is over again. I dont know. I am no longer allowed to call the only cell phone in the house and they said I was not welcome there. It was her friend saying this so I dont know if Michelle is backing it up.

 

[Soul Rebel]

So I have gone from feeling good about life and the way things were going to feeling like it all just might end. I feel like somebody is sitting on my chest again. I am getting anxious to hear from Michelle but I also know that it might never come.

I dont understand why she would be mad at me though. I dont feel I did anything wrong. She said on Monday that she didnt know what she would do without me in her life after I asked about her saying that awhile back. She has also said that no matter what happens with us she would let me see the kids. Then this. This is becoming such a roller coaster and I cant handle it anymore.

 

[Oldfireguy]

I don't like it when people play with others peoples feelings but when I read all the posts and replies that is the conclusion I come up with. Is she or could she be bi-polar? It seems she is jumping from one extreme to the other. Is it possible that you did make her mad and just don't see it? I know I can sure fire my wife off and never see why until she tells me.

If I was sitting next to you my advise would be to back off and let things work out one way or another. Life seems bad but it gets better. You need to think about yourself and stop getting your hopes up and then dashed again.

Maybe you both need to sit down with somebody who deals with relationships and see if this is going to work or not. I know this sucks, hurts, and seems like the worst thing that has ever happened but you know what, life goes on and things get better if you let it.

Please don't think I'm a mean and nasty guy. I am really a nice guy who cares about people but I also know that sometimes you have to move on. I've been there, done it, watched my kids go through it, guys at work suffer through divorce and relationships that go bad, and every single one of them bounced back and is happier now than ever when they all thought the world would end.

You are the one that controls your feelings. I live in Puyallup. I'm off on Friday. If you want to drive south I would be willing to drive north and meet someplace. I'll even buy you lunch if you want to sit down and talk. PM me and I'll give you my phone number and you can call. I'm on duty Thursday and will be tough to get in contact with.

On cloudy days the sun still shines.

 

[Soul Rebel]

Its so hard to convey things through a message board without having the ability to show emotion through words and body language. I think that things are not as bad as they seem, or that I have conveyed here. Yesterday she told me that I have been obsessive and I have to agree. Not that I am agreeing with everything she says so that I can have her back, but I honestly see it.

My problem has been that I have not dealt with the fact that I cannot see, or talk to, Michelle every single day like I had. Being just friends is different but deep down I know this is for the better. We need to build that friendship to a level that is stronger than it ever has and my inability to go a day without trying to talk to her about us has not helped. It has pushed her away.

Sure there are things that she has done that I dont feel are the best things to do at this time. She has confused me quite a bit. What I do know is that she does love me and says she is in love with me. Walking away like this is her way of dealing with things and I see this is what she is doing now. Our love was so strong that I feel it will overcome anything. I also feel that she is not doing anything to purposely mess with my head. Maybe that is the end result but its not her intention and I feel full believe this.

I put myself through a lot of stuff that I dont have to deal with. I do get obsessive and have a hard time realizing that it has been just 2 1/2 weeks and that things might take quite a long time to settle down. I over analyze things, whether its something she says that I put way too much into or I sit and think about who she might be with. This needs to stop. If I do love Michelle then I can take my faith in her and lean on it and get through this.

I do know that she is not mad and that she had nothing to do with what her friend said. When I talked to her about it on the phone she not only denied it but when I pushed the issue it sounded as if she was going to cry. She was pretty emotional when it came to this subject.

There are 2 things that I know. I know that she means it when she says that she doesnt know what she would do with me not in her life. I also know that no matter what she will let me see those kids. She has said that for a long, long time and at this stage she could have very easily not let me see them, but she didnt. Whether we get back together and are married down the road remains to be seen. However, I need to take what I know to be true and find peace with it. I need to accept the fact that I might not get back together. While some might see this as moving on in a way, I see this as accepting reality.

I love Michelle to death and despite all of the things that bug me about her and our living situation before we split up I would take her back in a heartbeat without a moments thought. I just wish that we could get back to how things were the first few months of the relationship.

And before anybody says the first few months are great.....there was a time during these months that we dealt with some pretty tough issues on my part. She was close to leaving me but didnt. I feel this shows that things were not only on that honeymoon type period but they were very, very real at that point. This is something I feel we are able to recapture.

As for the PM....I will have to put some thought into that. Gas money has been tough to get ahold of for me so I might have to do that in the coming weeks if possible. Thank you very much for the offer though.

 

[Soul Rebel]

Sometimes this pain eats at you and is so unbearable that you feel you can no longer take it. The light has gone out and you are sitting there in the dark feeling like somebody is sitting on your chest. What do you do? Keep yourself busy? Sure, that works until you hear a song that reminds you about the person you miss. Or you glance at a picture that you still have sitting around but refuse to put away. And then when everything is quiet and you are busy doing some task that has no meaning outside keeping your mind occupied you remember some activity that you love doing with the person that has caused this empty feeling deep within your chest.

Its unbearable. The thought of living a life without Michelle scares me. There are times I feel like I am doing alright but I know it wont last long.

You spend your entire day feeling like you have conquered something and that for at least awhile you can feel happy again. When does it stop? When you are getting ready for bed. The quiet gets to you. There is nothing there but your thoughts and your thoughts generally lead right back to what it is you are trying to cope with. Sleep is painful. Why cant I stay up and never sleep.

 

[Corry]

Try and look at it as the beginning of something new and good, rather than the end of something. If all you do is look backwards, you won't make any steps forward.

 

[hobbes28]

If all you do is look backwards, you won't make any steps forward.

This is probably the best piece of advice so far.

I know that it sucks feeling like you do over all of this and it can all be completely overwhelming but I also know that you can make it through it if you just let yourself. Look at this place. I know that we are all just a bunch of words on a screen that are replying to the comments and feelings that you're putting on the same screen, but we're all people too that have feelings and are here to listen to you and try to help you through this difficult time. Never forget that you are never alone through this and you can post as much as you want. No need for you to choke up on those feelings and bring yourself down any more.

 

[tmpadmin]

Change is any way is stressful. It is unknown. Change in your situation is more stressful because it plays on your emotion of Love. Core said to view this as a beginning one of the best pieces of advise. Like I said earlier in the thread, who is going to want someone around who is always depressed? You need to take this new opportunity to better yourself, make you life great without her, the children, or anyone - just with you. Become the complete person you need to be. Look forward, but not too far yet - see the potential. Start something new something different from what you did in the past. It is time to experiment. All is not lost, in the grand scheme very little has been lost. You are still here and there is a job for you to accomplish. It may not be obvious just now but the struggle, pain and effort will reveal your purpose. You will look back on this as time as a great learning experience, one that will be passed to your children to help them grow and learn. They may even experience your pain first hand (God willing they won't). You are not alone, never have been and never will be alone. The time for you is here, take it and make the best of it. Learn, grow and improve yourself. See where you end up.

 

[Randog]

I have been where you are right now, in fact more than once in different ways. I have felt similar pain inside as you have described. I know it seems like the pain is never going to go away, but it will subside in time, the hard part is getting to that point. There is no quick fix for what your feeling now and it’s going to take time heal. You may not believe it now, but by going through this range of emotions your life may take a turn in a direction that you would have never been able to realize without this experience. In my case it did, I poured most of my energy into my job and I now have advanced to a point that I could have never achieved before. I am not saying that by working more is going to help with your situation or that this is a healthy solution. It could be anything, work, hobbies, or even maybe new friendships or all of these things. What I am trying to say is that all is not lost, it’s just changing. The feelings that you have for Michelle may never go away, but I guarantee that in time they will lessen and life will go on. I am not trying to solve your problems, I am only trying to point out that there are others who have been where you are now and have survived. We can help you with our own experiences and suggestions, but it up to you to move forward and make the necessary changes to go on with your life.