The Last Thing I'll Ever See (Mature Theme. Fake Blood)

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Hof8231

Hof8231

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I like it, Thanks for sharing and thankful that you survived you attempt.

Thank you very much. Photography has really helped me through this. My ex-girlfriend (the girl in the picture) is a professional photographer so when I got home from the hospital, I took up photography as a way to remind myself of the good times I had with her and to help me pass the time and express myself. It seems to be going well so far.
 

GaryT

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Are you okay dude, we have all been in dark places but you need to try and stop and think to yourself that things are never really that bad. Time does make it easier as big a cliche as that is, it's true.

The picture is deep, ****ing deep. Draw a line under that part of your life, put the picture away and move on. When your ready to, burn it.

Took balls to post that. Hope your doing better now, keep on keeping on.
 

chuckeb

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I understand this way more than I should. Not too long ago I lost the use of my left eye. My good eye. I thought I'd lost everything. I used to be a pro video camera. Now I struggle to focus. I was an inch from doing it. The one thing that kept me from it was knowing some a wonderful family who consider me one of theirs would be devastated. I'm glad we both made it. The pic says it all.
 

madlioness

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You are communicating a status through art, there is nothing here I find strange. Very nice idea
 
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Hof8231

Hof8231

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Thanks for the feedback everybody. I really appreciate it.

To those who were concerned by my posting something of this nature, I really can't explain it, but it helps me. A lot. I'll always have a certain darkness inside me and as long as I'm portraying it in my photographs and that's all, I feel that I won't let it overcome me again.
 

ThroughTheIris

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Totaallllyyyy understand that that sort of thing helps in a situation like this. Most people would think its weird and morbid to want to go through effort to reenact such a horrid scene...but to each their own, if it helps, it helps, its no one else's place to say otherwise. Everyone heals differently...my final (AND I MEAN FINAL) attempt was way closer than i remember it being...in the moment, you don't think straight, you know, its like you're watching a tv show about yourself. Looking back it was like whoaaa....I was THAT close... It took me damn near a year to even look at a gun...be near a gun..be ok with gun shots on tv...but about 2 weeks ago, I put on my big girl panties and walked in to a gun store and held a gun...just to do it..I knew I was in a safe place with people who know how to handle them properly so I held on to that feeling of safety...and I held it..only for a min or so...and at first the panic was setting in...but then I cracked a joke about how it matched the colors on my shirt...and i was fine :) Now I'm totally over that fear...my bf can finally have his gun on him when we go out to walmart or whatever and I don't lose my mind...now I'm just rambling...basically, Powerful pic, Glad you know what helps YOU...ever need to talk about mental disorders + photo therapy...or anything, I'm a good listener :) Shoot me a msg anytime!
 

bribrius

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hmm.
buddy of mine killed himself a couple years ago. planned it out. watched a video on line of someone hanging themselves. he timed it by the second how long it took for them to go so he new what he was in for. he wasn't scared to do it at all. I watched the video too. I wasn't suicidal, but I was curious as he said he timed it. it appeared he timed it right. I think we debated how long it would take, so I watched the video to see if he was right. he was. he had it down.
week goes by, smoking a cigarette talking to him he asks me if I believe in God. Told him I believe God. Same god as others I don't know. But I do. he asked if he went through with it if he would go to hell. I told him I don't know. He asked if I thought the God I believed in would send him to hell. I told him I don't know, probably. he asked if I had the same god that wrote the Christian bible. I told him I don't know, part of it maybe. I wasn't a word for word bible fundamentalist. he asked if the bible said he would go to hell if he did it. I told him I thought it did. He asked me what I thought was on the other side. Said again, I don't know. never been dead.

He asked again if I thought he would go to hell. Said I don't know, never been dead. Questioned me again if I believed in God. I said yes, but again, may not be other peoples God. He asked if I ever thought about killing myself, told him no, not seriously, im going to end up dead anyway its a fact. He seemed really upset about the thought he might go to hell.
so I asked him what about his wife? He says she will move on, he wants her happy hopes she moves on and is happy. Even said he wanted her to find another man and be happy. asked about his kid, says she will be okay, in time. Mostly, he just really seemed worried about the idea of going to hell.
I actually didnt think he was going to go through with it. He was so worried about going to hell. And he was pissed over the idea that any God I might believe in would send him to hell. so I didn't think he would go through with it, least not yet. week goes by. Back of my mind, im thinking there is no way he will do it. Im also kind of thinking its his choice if he does, but I don't think he will.

Then one day, week after that conversation. He does it. im standing not more than fifty feet behind his house. he jumps off the wash machine and hangs himself off a rafter in his basement. just like he timed out watching that video. cops come. hearse comes to get him. Good thing his wife was gone and kid in school.

so I go to his funeral. everyones there. sitting in church. All I kept thinking about is where he ended up. I wonder. I can judge him for leaving a wife and kid behind, they paid for that. I cant judge him for making his actual choice. His life. One thing you should always have, is a right to decide your own life. if nothing else. That last bit of respect and independence. And we all end up dead, he just hit fast forward by thirty or fourty years. So i couldn't judge him in that way, and ive never been dead. How would I know if he was better off or not. Not the same decision I would have made though. I cant say if he is better off or not. I can say he wasn't forgotten. his wife did move on though. she is with someone else now. He was right about that at least. .


oh. he was into photography too. he liked photographing the sky, astronomy. I guess even up there he wondered what laid beyond..
Not sure what he found wherever he went to. could not be good though. Don't know for sure, never been dead.


i'd just be real careful, if you get nothing out of this. You might only be able to make that choice once and you don't know where you are going.
 
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rexbobcat

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hmm. buddy of mine killed himself a couple years ago. planned it out. watched a video on line of someone hanging themselves. he timed it by the second how long it took for them to go so he new what he was in for. he wasn't scared to do it at all. I watched the video too. I wasn't suicidal, but I was curious as he said he timed it. it appeared he timed it right. I think we debated how long it would take, so I watched the video to see if he was right. he was. he had it down. week goes by, smoking a cigarette talking to him he asks me if I believe in God. Told him I believe God. Same god as others I don't know. But I do. he asked if he went through with it if he would go to hell. I told him I don't know. He asked if I thought the God I believed in would send him to hell. I told him I don't know, probably. he asked if I had the same god that wrote the Christian bible. I told him I don't know, part of it maybe. I wasn't a word for word bible fundamentalist. he asked if the bible said he would go to hell if he did it. I told him I thought it did. He asked me what I thought was on the other side. Said again, I don't know. never been dead. He asked again if I thought he would go to hell. Said I don't know, never been dead. Questioned me again if I believed in God. I said yes, but again, may not be other peoples God. He asked if I ever thought about killing myself, told him no, not seriously, im going to end up dead anyway its a fact. He seemed really upset about the thought he might go to hell. so I asked him what about his wife? He says she will move on, he wants her happy hopes she moves on and is happy. Even said he wanted her to find another man and be happy. asked about his kid, says she will be okay, in time. Mostly, he just really seemed worried about the idea of going to hell. I actually didnt think he was going to go through with it. He was so worried about going to hell. And he was pissed over the idea that any God I might believe in would send him to hell. so I didn't think he would go through with it, least not yet. week goes by. Back of my mind, im thinking there is no way he will do it. Im also kind of thinking its his choice if he does, but I don't think he will. Then one day, week after that conversation. He does it. im standing not more than fifty feet behind his house. he jumps off the wash machine and hangs himself off a rafter in his basement. just like he timed out watching that video. cops come. hearse comes to get him. Good thing his wife was gone and kid in school. so I go to his funeral. everyones there. sitting in church. All I kept thinking about is where he ended up. I wonder. I can judge him for leaving a wife and kid behind, they paid for that. I cant judge him for making his actual choice. His life. One thing you should always have, is a right to decide your own life. if nothing else. That last bit of respect and independence. And we all end up dead, he just hit fast forward by thirty or fourty years. So i couldn't judge him in that way, and ive never been dead. How would I know if he was better off or not. Not the same decision I would have made though. I cant say if he is better off or not. I can say he wasn't forgotten. his wife did move on though. she is with someone else now. He was right about that at least. . oh. he was into photography too. he liked photographing the sky, astronomy. I guess even up there he wondered what laid beyond.. Not sure what he found wherever he went to. could not be good though. Don't know for sure, never been dead. i'd just be real careful, if you get nothing out of this. You might only be able to make that choice once and you don't know where you are going.

Well there's my wtf for the morning
 

pjaye

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Yes, I know how weird it is to some people that I do these kind of photos after attempting a suicide. It helps me. I can't explain why, but it does.

You need to explain to me. I get it. Completely.
 
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Hof8231

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Totaallllyyyy understand that that sort of thing helps in a situation like this. Most people would think its weird and morbid to want to go through effort to reenact such a horrid scene...but to each their own, if it helps, it helps, its no one else's place to say otherwise. Everyone heals differently...my final (AND I MEAN FINAL) attempt was way closer than i remember it being...in the moment, you don't think straight, you know, its like you're watching a tv show about yourself. Looking back it was like whoaaa....I was THAT close... It took me damn near a year to even look at a gun...be near a gun..be ok with gun shots on tv...but about 2 weeks ago, I put on my big girl panties and walked in to a gun store and held a gun...just to do it..I knew I was in a safe place with people who know how to handle them properly so I held on to that feeling of safety...and I held it..only for a min or so...and at first the panic was setting in...but then I cracked a joke about how it matched the colors on my shirt...and i was fine :) Now I'm totally over that fear...my bf can finally have his gun on him when we go out to walmart or whatever and I don't lose my mind...now I'm just rambling...basically, Powerful pic, Glad you know what helps YOU...ever need to talk about mental disorders + photo therapy...or anything, I'm a good listener :) Shoot me a msg anytime!

I'm glad that you're doing well now! For the longest time, I was scared to death (no pun intended) about how I would handle seeing/holding a gun. I mean, when I got out of the hospital, I had I think 7 handguns and 2 rifles that I still could legally own. Those guns are all gone now, except the one I used. That's still in the "evidence" box from the police station. There's still dried blood all over it. So much so that I can't even rack the slide. The first time I held it, I got a rush of memories back that I can only describe as terrifying. I was in my house at at school and my parents were in the room. I could see and feel everything. The initial gunshot. The panicked rushing through my apartment to grab towels to stop the bleeding, the walking to the police station right behind where I lived, falling twice in the snow. The helicopter ride to UPMC. I basically relived the entire thing in the span of 5 minutes. It was intense. Since then, I've gone to a gun store like you did, held some guns, even went shooting with a friend of mine. I'm completely fine with guns now. I'm a die hard supporter of the 2nd Amendment (not to start a political debate) so I knew I'd be fine with them again eventually. Thank you for taking the time to reply :)

hmm.
buddy of mine killed himself a couple years ago. planned it out. watched a video on line of someone hanging themselves. he timed it by the second how long it took for them to go so he new what he was in for. he wasn't scared to do it at all. I watched the video too. I wasn't suicidal, but I was curious as he said he timed it. it appeared he timed it right. I think we debated how long it would take, so I watched the video to see if he was right. he was. he had it down.
week goes by, smoking a cigarette talking to him he asks me if I believe in God. Told him I believe God. Same god as others I don't know. But I do. he asked if he went through with it if he would go to hell. I told him I don't know. He asked if I thought the God I believed in would send him to hell. I told him I don't know, probably. he asked if I had the same god that wrote the Christian bible. I told him I don't know, part of it maybe. I wasn't a word for word bible fundamentalist. he asked if the bible said he would go to hell if he did it. I told him I thought it did. He asked me what I thought was on the other side. Said again, I don't know. never been dead.

He asked again if I thought he would go to hell. Said I don't know, never been dead. Questioned me again if I believed in God. I said yes, but again, may not be other peoples God. He asked if I ever thought about killing myself, told him no, not seriously, im going to end up dead anyway its a fact. He seemed really upset about the thought he might go to hell.
so I asked him what about his wife? He says she will move on, he wants her happy hopes she moves on and is happy. Even said he wanted her to find another man and be happy. asked about his kid, says she will be okay, in time. Mostly, he just really seemed worried about the idea of going to hell.
I actually didnt think he was going to go through with it. He was so worried about going to hell. And he was pissed over the idea that any God I might believe in would send him to hell. so I didn't think he would go through with it, least not yet. week goes by. Back of my mind, im thinking there is no way he will do it. Im also kind of thinking its his choice if he does, but I don't think he will.

Then one day, week after that conversation. He does it. im standing not more than fifty feet behind his house. he jumps off the wash machine and hangs himself off a rafter in his basement. just like he timed out watching that video. cops come. hearse comes to get him. Good thing his wife was gone and kid in school.

so I go to his funeral. everyones there. sitting in church. All I kept thinking about is where he ended up. I wonder. I can judge him for leaving a wife and kid behind, they paid for that. I cant judge him for making his actual choice. His life. One thing you should always have, is a right to decide your own life. if nothing else. That last bit of respect and independence. And we all end up dead, he just hit fast forward by thirty or fourty years. So i couldn't judge him in that way, and ive never been dead. How would I know if he was better off or not. Not the same decision I would have made though. I cant say if he is better off or not. I can say he wasn't forgotten. his wife did move on though. she is with someone else now. He was right about that at least. .


oh. he was into photography too. he liked photographing the sky, astronomy. I guess even up there he wondered what laid beyond..
Not sure what he found wherever he went to. could not be good though. Don't know for sure, never been dead.


i'd just be real careful, if you get nothing out of this. You might only be able to make that choice once and you don't know where you are going.

Damn dude.

A. The way you wrote that was really powerful and well done.
B. That's just crazy. While I didn't have a wife or kid, I can relate in many ways to your friend. I'm sorry for your loss and what you must have gone through. I will admit that thinking about hurting people isn't really at the top our list when we're that low. It's not that we don't care (and I don't mean to speak for everyone) but things are just so overwhelming that we can't see past the pain. If I had, I would have said "Forget her, I have dozens of other people who love me." thanks for sharing your story with me.

Well there's my wtf for the morning

I honestly think the way he worded everything is perfect. I can relate to many ways to his friend, and I had a few friends who I can place essentially in his spot in the time leading up to my attempt. It's a very strange thing. It's not black and white. I know saying "you wouldn't understand" is kind of a cop out, but at least in my case and experience, the mind of a depressed person is a very dark and confusing place.

You need to explain to me. I get it. Completely.

I'm glad you understand it. It just helps me to kind of piece everything back together and capture it.

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UPDATE IF ANYONE'S INTERESTED:

Sorry so much time has passed, I honestly forgot about this thread. I'm kind of ashamed at how awful that picture was, but at the same time, I love it because it shows where I was at the time and how far I've come.

I'm enjoying life right now. Things aren't perfect, no. They never will be. I'll always live with depression. But things have been better lately. I'm working for an indoor football team as their photographer and it's been a blast. My face and voice are still kind of messed up from the bullet so I'm still a little more shy than I used to be, but I'm able to hold conversations with people now without being too self conscious. My photographs have caught the attention of several other teams in the league and the league itself, as my work (in their words, not mine) is so much better and more professional than any of the other photographers. That made me feel pretty good. Also, my boss works for MLB.com and is sending my photos to MLB teams to try and help me advance, which is damn awesome of him.

As far as mentally, I'm still seeing a therapist. It's about every other week now, and I've developed a nice relationship with her. I no longer really do much of the "dark" photography. I still dabble in it to, as I say, feed my demons, but it's not something I really focus on much anymore. I'm much more focused on sport and music photography, and shooting/editing is some of my best therapy in my opinion. No girlfriend, but I've had a few little flings that have really helped to boost my self esteem. I still keep in contact with all my good friends that helped me through this, and I still have an incredible relationship with my family.

So yeah, if any of you care, I'm doing pretty well :) I'm happier now than I ever was before this, and I absolutely love where my photography is taking me. Funny, if I never attempted suicide, I don't think I ever would have picked up a camera. I took it up as a hobby during my recovery because it wasn't strenuous but would still get me outside and moving. Now I'm looking to make a career of it. Crazy how that stuff works, huh? I appreciate all of your input and support. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

-Steve
 

W.Y.Photo

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I get what you mean when you say its helpful. I've used photography as a way to deal with and express myself after a severe bought of depression and its just amazing to get those dark feelings and thoughts off your chest so it doesn't eat you alive inside..

I'm glad you've found a way to express yourself that is both helpful and allows you to live with your past rather than ignoring it and letting it bottle up. Thats what makes photography so therapeutic!!
 

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