Words wished not spoken

[Corry]

Words Wished Were Not Spoken
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials
of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and
a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds
of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could
help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by
a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the
display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh
hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never lets me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able
to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she
would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening, If you don't let me go right now, then I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out
of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door
closed behind me were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE
you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must
have had an accident, because the smell! was getting worse. Soooooo, I
asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped
up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death
on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old
couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for
2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow
but don't get any...a true story... the female news anchor the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only!
did HE have to leave the set but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[Andrea K]

hahahaha those were great

here's another testimony (true story)
my brother went into a hardware store looking for some things to finish a project he had started. he was looking around but couldnt seem to find what he was looking for so he asked the girl at the counter "so, where could i get a good screw?"

dont no if its as funny as the others, but it was funny at the time

those were great tho

 

[Corry]

My favorite was number 4...I would have MORTIFIED if that happened to me!

 

[errant_star]

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE
you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must
have had an accident, because the smell! was getting worse. Soooooo, I
asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped
up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death
on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old
couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

I can just picture myself in this exact same situation with my little guy a couple of years ago ...

ahhh. ... that was a good laugh

 

[Nytmair]

hahahahaha, those are hilarious

 

[LilCujo]

OH Man those were good....

 

[photogoddess]

#1 - My cousin Michael is autistic and my Aunt, had taken him to the bank with her one day when he was about 12. Standing in front of them in line was a rather large woman. The woman's pager went off and my cousin, not realizing what he was doing, backed up abruptly and shouted REALLY loud "Look out, she's backing up!" Needless to say my Aunt got out of there as quickly as possible.

#2 - My friend Lisa won a trip to see Bruce Springsteen live in New Jersey a couple of years ago on a local radio station. She invited me and they put us up in a hotel in Philadelphia. Since we were there for several days, we decided to do some exploring. After looking at some tourist info, we decided to head off to the city of Intercourse which is apparently the closest Amish town to Philadelphia. We headed out and drove for over an hour and a half. Convinced that we were lost, we pulled into a service station to ask for directions. I have the door to the car open, am trying to read a map (I'm directionally challenged) and my friend walks into the service station and asks the attendant "How close are we to Intercourse?". As I was falling out of the car laughing, she was walking quickly with a very red face back to the car.

 

[Hertz van Rental]

Years ago I worked for Social Security and I had to interview someone. I knew they were there because they had been to reception.
I called the man's name - no reply.
I called again - a man stood up and looked around.
'Over here' I said. He still looked lost.
'Over here - booth 3' I said as he wandered around then walked into a pillar.
'What is wrong with you. Are you blind or something?'
Then I saw the white stick. 'Oh! You are blind...'
Fortunately he had a sense of humour.

 

[ferny]

Number five is great!

I've been told this but I was too young to remember. I was in a shop with my mum and there was a black woman in front of us in the queue. I turned round to my mum and asked her why the woman in front had dirty hands.

I'd hate for that to happen to me!

 

[mentos_007]

Ferny, I did the same with Japaneese people... but I ran up to the and asked what happened with their eyes :

 

[ferny]

Hehehe. :mrgreen:

It's amazing what you do when you're little! You were little, weren't you?

 

[Nikon Fan]

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: Thanks Corry those were awesome!!! I was actually laughing out loud at all of them, but especially 4.

 

[omalley]

Apparently I used to embarrass my parents a lot when I was little. My mother says that we once went into a McDonalds to use the bathroom, and when I came out I told the cashier that "you have dirty bathrooms and my father wouldn't like that". Also I got in trouble because we were behind a fat lady in a hallway where I couldn't go around her and mom says I got mad and yelled, "move it, you hippopotamus bottomus!" I don't remember any of these. Also she tells me that once I embarrassed her in a clothing store when I wanted what she calls 'the most hideous pair of burnt-orange plaid pants' when she wouldn't buy them for me she had to carry me out of the store moaning, "but they're beautiful!". Boy what a pain in the ass I must've been.

 

[David A Sercel]

LOL. Those were good.

David

 

[lizheaemma]

My oldest got me really good one day when my parents where over. I was in the kitchen and she was in the dinning room playing at her new kitchen set and my parents where in th connected living room. My daugter was 3 at the time. I'm making coffee and I hear my daughter say sh*t, my parents do that silent giggle thing and I ignore her, next thing you know I here sh*t, sh*t my parents are really trying to stiffle a giggle now and I calmly walk over to her and say that, she not using nice word and continue what I'm doing. Only seconds later I here sh*t, sh*t, sh*t! So by now I a bit concerned that mt parents are going to pee the couch and I'v had just about enough so I march over to my daughter and say "what are you doing?" She looks up at me with those big blue eye's and says "I'm playing Mommy in the kitchen!"

Well that really taught me to watch what I was saying in the kitchen,
a few weeks later she asked me why I only said sugar in the kitchen and didn't say **** anymore?

Kids!!!