If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?" If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. Whatever happened to preparations A through G? I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." So what is the speed of dark? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Since light travels faster that sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on the remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings when they are already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is carrot more orange than an orange? When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me! Do fish get cramps after eating? Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? If "con" is the opposite of "pro," what is the opposite of progress? Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.