Just venting

[RxForB3]

Not something I normally do on a web forum, but I know exactly what my friends would say, so no point venting to them.

So I dated a girl for two years. We met two weeks after I split from my wife. When we got together, I'm sure it was a rebound, so I overlooked several red flags. Things progressed quickly, and we were saying "I love you" within a month, I'd say. Shortly thereafter, she wanted to move in. Despite being 25, she lived with her parents and they didn't treat her well...even gave her a curfew of 9 if she had her kids with her, 11 without, with the threat of kicking her out if she didn't follow. However, I was smart enough to say no to her moving in.

She was VERY insecure. She was very paranoid and jealous. She checked my mail almost every day to keep an eye out for the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog I received every now and then because I'd ordered some things for her from then. Not because she wanted it, but because she wanted to throw it away so I wouldn't look at it. One day I was at work, a girl started choking, so I successfully performed the heimlich. Instead of being proud of me, she was angry because I had my arms around another girl. She even wanted to know what the other girl did to thank me. All my friends told me I should run away, but I didn't.

Several times she brought up marriage. She even asked me what I thought about a girl proposing to a guy. I told her no, primarily on the basis that I at the time planned to move back to Oklahoma where my son's mother lives. I feel that both parents should be involved if at all possible. Since she had two children with two fathers here in Washington, it made no sense to move two kids away from their dads just to move one kid closer to his mom. So I knew fairly quickly that I didn't think I planned on marrying her. And I told her this. I told her that if she was ever interested in another guy, that she should go for it, but that it would end our relationship probably even as friends.

A couple of times she thought she was interested in other guys. It never went well, mainly because they were certifiable losers and she would quickly realize she liked me much better and we'd go back to the way things were. She has generally VERY bad taste in guys (not sure what that says about me). All the while, I thought I was certain about one thing. She was head over heals in love with me. I wasn't sure how I felt about her. I was pretty sure I loved her, but the paranoia and moving parts were deterrents.

So a little over a month ago, she mentioned a guy she'd started talking to on Facebook. I'm 99.9% sure I know the exact day they first met, so I'm sure there was nothing more going on before, except maybe chatting online. So we went through the usual bit. I told her that was fine, but that we were done. She cried and told me she didn't want to lose me and over the next few days how much she missed me. But she would never decide whether she wanted to pursue things with him, or stay with me. This dragged on for a couple weeks till finally she went to the state fair with him after making excuses not to go with me. That was it for me. I ended things with some pretty choice words. Well...two weeks later she's engaged to the guy. Today I found out she's married to him as of Wednesday.

It shouldn't bother me. I know she wasn't the "one" for me, though I'm pretty sure I loved her. I know I can certainly find better some day and deserve better. It doesn't help that Yakima is fairly devoid of quality women my age, but there's someone better out there. Plus, I've been using this time to lose weight and take better care of myself. She didn't really like the thought of me doing anything that might make me more attractive to other women. Nor does this dismal weather help. I finally have 4 days off, but nothing to do because of the weather. I guess I'm bothered because it calls into question whether she really did love me, or if she was just desperate to get out of her parents' house and have someone rescue her. I mean, it was literally just a few days more than a month ago that she was still saying she loved me.

Bah...just frustrating. Ok...end vent.

 

[MLeeK]

It doesn't matter if you KNOW she's not the one, it's still hard. We love people in different ways and regardless of whether she was looking for a rescue or forever, you still cared. It's still painful, no matter if it's a good situation or not. Change is tough-better or worse doesn't matter!

Friends are tough. They'll tell you good riddance and you'll need their "good riddance" once in a while, but you also need to acknowledge that regardless it's still painful and you're allowed to mourn the loss.

 

[manaheim]

Good lord.

None of my business, but... um... really...

1. Sounds like you dodged a very bad bullet.
2. Sounds like you should have seen that bullet as it was being loaded into the chamber about 2 days after you started dating her.

 

[RxForB3]

Heh...thanks both for your replies. Manaheim, that's exactly what my friends say. But MLeeK's comment is how I feel, I suppose.

 

[The_Traveler]

Not something I normally do on a web forum, but I know exactly what my friends would say, so no point venting to them.

So I dated a girl for two years. We met two weeks after I split from my wife. When we got together, I'm sure it was a rebound, so I overlooked several red flags. Things progressed quickly, and we were saying "I love you" within a month, I'd say. Shortly thereafter, she wanted to move in. Despite being 25, she lived with her parents and they didn't treat her well...even gave her a curfew of 9 if she had her kids with her, 11 without, with the threat of kicking her out if she didn't follow. However, I was smart enough to say no to her moving in.

She was VERY insecure. She was very paranoid and jealous. She checked my mail almost every day to keep an eye out for the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog I received every now and then because I'd ordered some things for her from then. Not because she wanted it, but because she wanted to throw it away so I wouldn't look at it. One day I was at work, a girl started choking, so I successfully performed the heimlich. Instead of being proud of me, she was angry because I had my arms around another girl. She even wanted to know what the other girl did to thank me. All my friends told me I should run away, but I didn't.

Several times she brought up marriage. She even asked me what I thought about a girl proposing to a guy. I told her no, primarily on the basis that I at the time planned to move back to Oklahoma where my son's mother lives. I feel that both parents should be involved if at all possible. Since she had two children with two fathers here in Washington, it made no sense to move two kids away from their dads just to move one kid closer to his mom. So I knew fairly quickly that I didn't think I planned on marrying her. And I told her this. I told her that if she was ever interested in another guy, that she should go for it, but that it would end our relationship probably even as friends.

A couple of times she thought she was interested in other guys. It never went well, mainly because they were certifiable losers and she would quickly realize she liked me much better and we'd go back to the way things were. She has generally VERY bad taste in guys (not sure what that says about me). All the while, I thought I was certain about one thing. She was head over heals in love with me. I wasn't sure how I felt about her. I was pretty sure I loved her, but the paranoia and moving parts were deterrents.

So a little over a month ago, she mentioned a guy she'd started talking to on Facebook. I'm 99.9% sure I know the exact day they first met, so I'm sure there was nothing more going on before, except maybe chatting online. So we went through the usual bit. I told her that was fine, but that we were done. She cried and told me she didn't want to lose me and over the next few days how much she missed me. But she would never decide whether she wanted to pursue things with him, or stay with me. This dragged on for a couple weeks till finally she went to the state fair with him after making excuses not to go with me. That was it for me. I ended things with some pretty choice words. Well...two weeks later she's engaged to the guy. Today I found out she's married to him as of Wednesday.

It shouldn't bother me. I know she wasn't the "one" for me, though I'm pretty sure I loved her. I know I can certainly find better some day and deserve better. It doesn't help that Yakima is fairly devoid of quality women my age, but there's someone better out there. Plus, I've been using this time to lose weight and take better care of myself. She didn't really like the thought of me doing anything that might make me more attractive to other women. Nor does this dismal weather help. I finally have 4 days off, but nothing to do because of the weather. I guess I'm bothered because it calls into question whether she really did love me, or if she was just desperate to get out of her parents' house and have someone rescue her. I mean, it was literally just a few days more than a month ago that she was still saying she loved me.

Bah...just frustrating. Ok...end vent.

You didn't dodge a bullet, you dodged significant machine gun fire.
It doesn't make any difference how she felt, the reality is that you don't have a clear view of the kind of person you should be with if you, knowing all those negative things, just went along with it.

Relax.
You were lucky.
There are lots of opportunities in this world.
Do things that you like.
Get out with a different crowd.
Don't rush anything and listen to the warning bells.
They signal incoming problems.

Take time to heal and get yourself together.

 

[manaheim]

Go talk to a professional before dating anyone, man... you're headed for a freakin' disaster.

 

[RxForB3]

The_Traveler, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm trying not to rush into another relationship and focusing on myself and my son (who is all the more reason to be careful). That's easier to do sometimes, though.

 

[RxForB3]

Manaheim, I probably should. I seem attracted to (or maybe I attract) crazy women. Got to figure something to do different!

 

[The_Traveler]

The_Traveler, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm trying not to rush into another relationship and focusing on myself and my son (who is all the more reason to be careful). That's easier to do sometimes, though.

Holy Crap, yes.
Don't make it like you are bowled over by events and just have to start boinking someone steady.
Make a vow that you won't start even thinking about 'being serious' for a long time.

Let me repeat again. If, in retrospect, you ignored all those very obvious signs of a bad potential partner, you don't know what you are doing.

I returned after reading your response to Manaheim.
Next time you have an erection, hit it with a hammer, that should fix things for a few weeks.

Speaking as someone with five married children, you aren't safe to be let alone.

 

[manaheim]

Manaheim, I probably should. I seem attracted to (or maybe I attract) crazy women. Got to figure something to do different!

Look, I'm no psychologist and I have no business telling you what you're up against or what you should do, but this doesn't strike me as a very hard thing to read. Like, along the lines of suggesting that a bus exploding in the middle of Park Avenue at 5 PM is probably a bad thing.

Seriously. What Lew says probably hits the nail on the head... with respect to relationships, you don't know what you're doing. You're not qualified and you're going to get yourself very badly hurt. Like a kid with a loaded Uzi. Go learn how to do this better before you pick up the gun again.

I'm not gonna post any more on this because my various remarks here violate SO many of my new rules on life.

Good luck to you.

 

[MLeeK]

The real question is: Is she similar to your ex? Is this a pattern or is it totally off the wall?

 

[RxForB3]

Heh, well put by both of you. I'm off to a good start at it so far, actually. I don't feel quite the "hurry" to jump into a relationship I usually do. I've been on a few dates, but I'm definitely pickier now. I think I'm actually to the point that I'm not all that interested in even going out on dates.

Just some days it's harder to resist the urge to jump into a relationship than others, and even though I know how insanely stupid it is on her part as well as the guy's part to get married in a month of meeting each other, I suppose there's still some jealousy that she has someone and I don't.

My dad's actually a psychologist. I've always wondered if that has anything to do with all this.

 

[Trever1t]

Be thankful she's out of your life....make sure she is! Follow the above advice. Smile and be happy!

 

[RxForB3]

MLeek, actually they are VERY different except the being crazy part. The ex-wife actually suffered from bi-polar disorder that was unfortunately brought on by post-partum depression after our son was born.

As far as I could tell she was sane before my son was born (we had been together for three years by then). But I think maybe the same insecurities were there and I just didn't see it.

 

[RxForB3]

Thanks Trever1t, overall things have bern going well recently. I think this weather is part of the problem. I'd been working a LOT recently, and really looking forward to these days off. Believe it or not, being a pharmacist can be pretty stressful! But now the weather destroyed all my plans.