Quantas Engineers

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by vonnagy, Apr 10, 2004.

  1. vonnagy

    vonnagy have kiwi, will travel...

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    Thought this was slightly humorous:

    After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

    The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

    Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.

    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    (P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
    (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
    >
    >
    >
    >P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
    >
    >S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
    >
    >
    >
    >P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    >
    >S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    >
    >
    >
    >P: Something loose in cockpit.
    >
    >S: Something tightened in cockpit.
    >
    >
    >
    >P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    >
    >S: Live bugs on back-order.
    >
    >
    >
    >P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
    >descent.
    >
    >S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    >
    >
    >
    >P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    >
    >S: Evidence removed.
    >
    >
    >
    >P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    >
    >S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    >
    >
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    >P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    >
    >S: That's what they're there for.
    >
    >
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    >P: IFF inoperative.
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    >S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
    >
    >
    >
    >P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    >
    >S: Suspect you're right.
    >
    >
    >
    >P: Number 3 engine missing.
    >
    >S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
    >
    >
    >
    >P: Aircraft handles funny.
    >
    >S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
    >
    >
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    >P: Target radar hums.
    >
    >S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    >
    >
    >
    >P: Mouse in cockpit.
    >
    >S: Cat installed.
    >
    >
    >
    >P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
    >
    >pounding on something with a hammer.
    >
    >S: Took hammer away from midget.
     
  2. MDowdey

    MDowdey Guest


    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
    thats hilarious!!

    md
     
  3. oriecat

    oriecat work in progress

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    Those are funny!
     
  4. Harpper

    Harpper TPF Noob!

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    I've read this awhile back but it's always nice to read funny things again. :lol:

    :shock: Talk about a very lucky pilot. It's a funny joke but wow that's lucky.
     
  5. mrsid99

    mrsid99 TPF Supporters Supporting Member

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    Always good for a laugh, thank you!
    Incredibly old though because one refers to equipment only on military aircraft and one to piston engined aircraft, my guess is that they're of WW2 vintage.
    FYI, I found at least 7 accidents for Qantas but no fatalities.
     
  6. manda

    manda instigator of pottymouthedness

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    i just saw vonnagy streaking in the theme forum :shock:
     
  7. mrsid99

    mrsid99 TPF Supporters Supporting Member

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    Huh?
     
  8. havoc

    havoc Jedi something or other

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    Yep, i saw that well hung Kiwi running thru the forums as well. Put that thing away man, your making us American's feel small. Just a warning, if you make americans feel small, they are likely to find Al-Quida terrorists in your country, and then bomb the hell outa your country.
     

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