2012 Olympics in London

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by ferny, Sep 30, 2008.

  1. ferny

    ferny TPF Noob!

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    2012 Olympics in London

    As you know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in
    2012. What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go
    to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for
    2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced
    below.

    OPENING CEREMONY

    The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
    area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
    will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the
    roof of the stadium.

    THE EVENTS


    In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been
    particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
    events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

    100 METRES SPRINT

    Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
    each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will
    be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

    110 METRES HURDLES

    As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
    fences, walls etc)

    HAMMER

    Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
    use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
    most physical damage within three attempts.

    FENCING

    Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible
    in 5 minutes.

    SHOOTING

    A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
    target will be a moving police van In the second round, competitors
    will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages
    delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this
    event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore
    shotgun.

    BOXING

    Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
    will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
    of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
    gets home. The bout will then commence.

    CYCLING TIME TRIALS

    Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
    take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
    trip away from home. All against the clock.

    CYCLING PURSUIT

    As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
    Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

    MODERN PENTATHLON

    Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
    and arson.

    SWIMMING EVENTS

    All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
    is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
    organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this
    year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples
    on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be
    provided by 'The Verve'.

    THE MARATHON

    May have to be cancelled as a safe route can not be found

    MEN'S 50KM WALK

    Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
    guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,
    especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...

    THE CLOSING CEREMONY

    Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
    Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
    rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will
    be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch
    invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium
    itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it
    and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

    Late News:

    Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the
    above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging
    a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm
    Down' contest.

    Stop Press:

    To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing
    has been waived this year.
     
  2. Antarctican

    Antarctican TPF Noob!

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    :biglaugh:


    LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  3. hovis

    hovis TPF Noob!

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    :lol::lol::lol:
    If only it weren't so true.....
     
  4. Harmony

    Harmony TPF Noob!

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    :lmao: Where did you get this?

    (And what is mincing - or do I not want to know?)
     
  5. Antarctican

    Antarctican TPF Noob!

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    ^^^ Walking with small, dainty steps (i.e. in a feminine manner)
     
  6. Harmony

    Harmony TPF Noob!

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    Ahhh. Thanks for the clarification. Didn't wanna look it up on my parent-checked computer in case it was something dirty! :D
     
  7. TATTRAT

    TATTRAT No longer a newbie, moving up!

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    lol.

    And just to add, the opening ceremonies should be bought "made in china"
     
  8. ferny

    ferny TPF Noob!

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    I stole it from someone else.
     

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