Depressed

Soul Rebel · Aug 8, 2006

Michelle broke up with me tonight. I dont know how I feel 100%. I am sad and cried once. Most of my thought is about losing the chance to be a father to these two boys and be around as much as I have been. I took it for granted but lately I have stopped. I love both kids and despite not sharing the blood relationship....they are my boys. Whether me and Michelle are together or not. The thought of losing that scares me. Losing Michelle hurts though. It really does.

Anyway, enough of this crap. I probably shouldnt have posted this. I just dont feel so good, my thoughts are racing, and everybody here is going to bed.

I just want to meet somebody but it doesnt look good. Michelle is the first girl to actually care about me and want me for me. Im scared that nobody else every will.

darin3200 · Aug 8, 2006

Sorry to hear that man. But just remember that things get better, you probably don't believe that right now, but it will. There are always times when we think the world is going to end, just wait for everything to settle and things tend to work out or be a lot better then we intially think.

Antarctican · Aug 8, 2006

Oh dear, what an emotional roller coaster you've been on these last few months. I'm very sorry to hear of the breakup. You have certainly tried hard, it seems. Your fear is what all of us feel at some point. You will find that person who 'wants you for you'....believe it.

Big Mike · Aug 8, 2006

Sorry to hear that man.

I agree with Darin, things will get better...although it might be hard for you to see that right now. Seeing how much you care for her and the boys, tells me that you're a good guy...someone will see that.

terri · Aug 8, 2006

I'm sorry to hear it, as well. I know things feel pretty bleak for you right now....but remember what I was saying? Time to take care of #1 right now.

Go easy on yourself. Let some time pass, you WILL get through this.

Soul Rebel · Aug 8, 2006

Things are just so confusing right now. Some things dont even add up. As recently as Sunday she was telling me that things were getting better. We talked Saturday night and had one of the better talks that we have had in awhile. She had this seizure on Sunday night and started to hang out with her friend Sha....and even my father commented that it sounded like she was pushing something on Michelle. Not that Michelle didnt feel this way, but I get the feeling that Sha is really pushing this hard.

I dont know. Ive gone from being alright to being devestated. I havent cried like I did the last time....but realizing she might be with somebody else really hurts. Like a kick in the gut.

mentos_007 · Aug 8, 2006

:hugs:

PNA · Aug 8, 2006

If you can....take a trip out of town for a few days, alone, when you get back things may look different.

Feel better about yourself..............

"From an old man"

Soul Rebel · Aug 8, 2006

Other than the fact that I dont have gas to get out of town....I have Brayden, our youngest, and I was planning on asking her if I could keep him for a few days. Ive enjoyed him much more lately (yes, before we broke up. He had stitches in his cheek and when he was finished he lunged for me and that made me feel more like a father than I ever have) and I want him around. It makes me feel good. I guess I am so scared that I might not have that closeness and if I can keep him around a few days that will give me a chance to have something to remember if indeed things dont go as I would like. I know that she says I can see them...but how much?

Soul Rebel · Aug 8, 2006

Ive gone through this before but this time it feels so different. My concerns are much different than they were last time.

Anyway, since its been determined that I cannot make it out of town (I really wish I could, actually, and that was a great idea) is there anything else I can be doing? I cant go on long hikes because I do have Brayden. Does it help to write things down? Write them down in a place like this for people to read? What things have people learned help in this situation?

EBphotography · Aug 9, 2006

Talking about things can help and you know we are always here to listen.

Hope you feel better.

Soul Rebel · Aug 10, 2006

Things have been confusing. Ive been helping her move things out and the more I do the more I think it would be good for us to have time to get things in focus. Or see if its meant to be. Im not crying like I was last time. Sure, there are times that it hurts....but they are getting fewer and farther between. Its actually been good.

Torus34 · Aug 10, 2006

Break-ups that end in sorrow hurt far more, and ultimately are far better, than those which end in anger. Anger armors us against looking at ourselves. And introspection is important if we wish to grow from the experience.

PNA · Aug 10, 2006

The only comforting thought is that there are many others who have gone through your same situation, including myself. My relief was to get away, that’s why I suggested it for you.

As hard as it may be, just remember tomorrows will get better. I found that mingling with friends, but best of all seeking out new friends, helped to minimize the pain, memories and the dwelling on the situation.

Hang in there……..there is releif from the pain.

Soul Rebel · Aug 12, 2006

Thanks for the advice.

For some reason I am actually doing great. I was sucked into moving her stuff out of her apartment and cleaning. I got no help from her but I kept working because I knew that if it was cleaned up enough she would get the deposit back, which not only helps her but the kids.

Anyway, while doing this I realized that I dont want that life. Its not me. I forgot so many things about myself. I hardly ever went and took any photos, unless I talked my mom into watching the kids. I didnt go when Michelle wasnt working. I couldnt. I had to watch the kids. Everything was controlled by Michelle. I couldnt speak my mind a lot of the time for fear of making her mad. I just was not myself.

Im not angry. Ive been nice to her. I also havent told her how I feel. I just feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I have started going out and taking some photos. Sometimes I even forget to take any because I have so much time to just walk. Its nice. I have even started talking to a few friends that I didnt while we were together. Its nice to have friends from around here again.

So there you have it. From depressed to happy in just a few days. I know that I should have some tough times but so far I havent. Its been nothing but good and I feel like a new person. Thanks again.