Happy St. Patrick's Day! And a few Irish Jokes...

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Mitica100, Mar 15, 2005.

  1. Mitica100

    Mitica100 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

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    "Jar of Olives"

    McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

    "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

    "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

    *******************************************************

    "I've Lost Me Luggage"

    An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

    "No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

    "How'd that happen?"

    "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

    *****************************************************

    "Water to Wine"

    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

    The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

    "Just water," says the priest.

    The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

    The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

    ***********************************************

    "The Brothel"

    Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

    They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

    Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

    Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

    *************************************

    "Irish Cemetery"

    Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

    "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

    "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!

    Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

    "What was his name?" asks Paddy.

    Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

    "Miles, from Dublin."

    ***************************************************

    "Irish Predicament"

    Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

    The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

    ***************************************************

    "Irish Last Request"

    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

    He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

    She says, "That he did, Father..."

    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

    She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'


    *************************************************


    Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone!

    :cheers: :cheers: :band: :salute:
     
  2. wolfepakt

    wolfepakt TPF Noob!

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    But as of right now, it is yet the ides of march..... not st pats day......
    And as the man said to Julius Caesar, beware the ides of march!

    ;)
     
  3. mrsid99

    mrsid99 TPF Supporters Supporting Member

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    Thanks for the chuckles Mitica!
     
  4. Xmetal

    Xmetal TPF Noob!

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    Why did the Irishman get up on the roof?

    Someone said 'drinks are on the house!'

    ohh so corny :lol:
     
  5. andycarnall

    andycarnall TPF Noob!

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    On the paddy's day theme, an oldie, but I liked it:

    [​IMG]
     
  6. Mitica100

    Mitica100 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

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    :lol: :lmao: :lol: Love it!!!
     
  7. andycarnall

    andycarnall TPF Noob!

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    The best bit from that one - you wouldn't believe the number of firewalls it got through, and the title on the email the first time I saw it was "this is a virus" :lol:
     
  8. mrsid99

    mrsid99 TPF Supporters Supporting Member

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    It's been around awhile in the USA as the "Amish" virus.
     

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