how to be a good friend in this situation? need opinions

[mmaria]

Yes, I want you to help me with your opinion/advice... and yes, it'll be a long post... just skip it if you're not in a mood for reading

I'm in my office now and there's no f.ing chance I could say all this out loud and ask someone for advice... and I do need it... like really, I can't be objective in this situation.
I'll try to simplify things as much as I could.

So... how to be a true friend now and how to say non pleasant things in a pleasant way?

Friends involved:

friend M and friend R

Friend M: I've known her for all my life. We use to live in the same building. We were close in a different periods of our life. Sometimes we wouldn't see each other for a year or two, but when we meet again we immediately start to see each other regularly. She knew every significant happening in my life and vice verse. A good friend. She is a good looking blond, always wearing makeup, cleavage and a smile. Always full of energy.

Friend R: I've known her since I was 14. I lived with her when we were in high school and some time while we were studying at university. I would go to her when I needed to remind myself of some boundaries. We're as close as friends can be. She is one of those good people, always doing right things, learning a lot. Had one bf and got married to him. Black hair, glasses and not that good looking.

I love both of girls deeply and I react very emotional when they're in a trouble.

They both live in the same city, about 500 000 people, and in a different state than me now. They know each other just trough my stories and maybe they met one time or two but I can't exactly remember.

R: Got married three years ago to S, they were together for about 10 years. They had a girl which is now 2,5 yo. Got "divorced" (they're still married but he moved out) because all of the sudden he cheated on her and after decided he wants to live and see other people. He was a complete jerk while she was trying to keep her family together. She was/still is without the job and completely depended on him financially.. She has no one to turn to. It's been really tough for her for these past few months. Unfortunately, my support was only trough telephone, messages and Skype, because we don't live in the same country anymore.
I've never liked S.

M: The last bf Srd. They were together for 4 years. Got married. Got pregnant. Gave a birth to a girl which is now 14 months old. After she gave birth she snapped. Manic depression, schizophrenia of some kind and lots more.... She didn't want to use medications because she wanted to breastfeed.
I have to mention here that she went trough the similar "episode" 5 years ago and she was hospitalized for about 6 months. Srd knew about it, but never really had a chance to see symptoms because she controlled her conditions with medications.

Back to present.... After she gave birth, she started to show severe symptoms and have all sorts of episodes... She cut her hair awfully, colored it differently, wore smeared makeup.. she would lock herself and the baby up in the bathroom and call me to call the police and tell them that Srd wants to take her baby. She would threaten she'll toss the baby if her mother come... she would text us really horrible messages about wanting her mother to be dead (she has a fixation about her mother)... and so on... A few times she was taken by force by police and ER but released after medicating her. Her family was trying to help. His family was in a complete shock. They've never had any experience with these kind of situations and they didn't know about her history. It was a really difficult period for me also because it's not easy to speak with her on the phone or skype, listen about horrible things she had in her head and know I can't help...
After two weeks or so she got hospitalized. Doctors were trying to diagnose her condition again and they just couldn't find a proper combinations of medicine. She was in a miserable state for a few months there. She never got to see her baby there. She got released after 6-7 months or so.
Srd divorced her and little girl is with him. She gets to see her three times a week now....

I was checking my fb because I run a page for my job and I saw that she messaged me. She looks ok now. She's blond again... back to wearing makeup and looking good.
She told me a few basic things and .. "Oh yeah.. I forgot to tell you... I'm seeing S, and we have a nice time together." (yeah, S, my friend R's ex hb!out of all people there they got together!!!)

I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do.... I feel obligated to tell that to R but I know she'll be crushed... I don't know what to respond to M either... I'm reacting emotionally... it's not easy....

What would you do?

... I just know that I can't not tell R..

 

[runnah]

I suggest moving to Northern Maine and forgoing all human interaction!

Wait that is my plan...

But seriously I would tell your friend in person. That way she has someone to help deal with any feelings that come up. I'd rather find out from a friend than find out by seeing them out at a cafe or something.

 

[gsgary]

I would just tell here that M is ****ing R then change address and phone number

 

[mmaria]

I suggest moving to Northern Maine and forgoing all human interaction!

Wait that is my plan...

first smile today, thanks

But seriously I would tell your friend in person. That way she has someone to help deal with any feelings that come up. I'd rather find out from a friend than find out by seeing them out at a cafe or something.

yes, that would be my choice because I know it will be emotional... but the trouble is... I wont see any of them in person. I'm in another state and not planning to go in their city any time sooner

 

[mmaria]

I would just tell here that M is ****ing R then change address and phone number

not in a mood for dealing with this. If you don't have anything nice to say pleas don't post here

 

[Overread]

Wait if I get the story right R was married to S and is now in effect divorced without the paperwork.

M is now dating S

Why are you telling R? It's my impression that R is aware that S is dating and seeing other women, hence his reason for no longer living with her. That you happen to know one of his new dates isn't really important to R.

If anything it should be M that you're considering telling since if she's a history of mental instability its likely that someone who's potentially (at least from the tiny info we have here) a playboy and will only be interested in the short term could be a bad thing for her.

That said love can be very blind so it could be that no matter what you'd say M would not see the faults in S or not believe the potential future pitfall. Further that they live a long way away and go through daily social life that you're not involved with its further hard for you to "butt into" their relationship and badmouth one partner to the other. (there is also a chance that S has changed or that the story from R is not fully complete - there are always at least two sides to a story). This maybe a case where you can only give a light warning to M and then just have to be there to help pick up the parts once/if S leaves her.

Of course M might want short term, no strings - its impossible for me to say as to what she wants from a relationship.

 

[gsgary]

Why, they are just going to cause you grief, I would just forget about them and let them get on with it, that what I would do I wouldn't let anyone else's life stress me out

 

[SnappingShark]

In my opinion, you have no obligation to any of them... they are adults and can do what they like.
If it's brought up in conversation then by all means mention it - but otherwise, no need to.

Like somebody already said - they're separated. Just like dating X - somebody else.

 

[waday]

But you do have an obligation to both of them--you've been friends a long time.

If it were me, I would tell M that you don't support her relationship with S (because of...). Leave it at that. Then, tell R that M told you she's dating S and you told M you didn't agree with it. You don't know any additional information about the M/S relationship and S can date whoever he wants, so leave it at that. Of course, you can help R through the process (assuming she'll be hurt/mad/etc), but, if it were me, I wouldn't take sides (i.e., trash R to M or M to R).

 

[robbins.photo]

Ok, this is a tough situation and I know you really want to protect R from S.

But a couple of things to seriously consider before you charge in, guns blazing.

One, you are not R's parent or legal gaurdian and you run a very high risk of crossing that line which R will most likely not appreciate no matter what your intent was originally.

Two, and this one is even tougher, you need to consider the fact that there are two sides to every story, and from the sounds of things in regards to S you may not have both sides. Sounds like most of what you know came from his ex, and while I have little doubt that it was all true from her perspective it is just that, all from her perspective. It is very possible that there was a lot more going on between S and his ex than what you know.

So if it were me I would be very careful in approaching this with R, probably tell her that you know S's ex and that you have some concerns and then let her make up her own mind and support her even if she decides to keep seeing him.

 

[Designer]

Don't tell R. Why you would want to do that is a mystery to me. This should be none of your business. Of course; I'm a guy, and we look at things differently, so consider the source.

 

[Derrel]

She might already know? Either way, I'm not sure you are "obligated" to tell her. I in fact think you might NOT want to tell her. She will find out in due time.

 

[sm4him]

Wait if I get the story right R was married to S and is now in effect divorced without the paperwork.

M is now dating S

Why are you telling R? It's my impression that R is aware that S is dating and seeing other women, hence his reason for no longer living with her. That you happen to know one of his new dates isn't really important to R.

In a very rational, practical sense, you are absolutely correct, Over. The problem is that a "rejected" woman may just be neither rational nor practical. R is still technically married to this guy who essentially rejected her and has started dating other women (instead of either working on the marriage he's in, or officially getting out). That leaves R in a very difficult emotional place, and emotional women are often NOT rational women.

Maria:

M is the one I'd be MOST concerned about here. I wouldn't tell R, at least not immediately.
But if M was my friend, I'd definitely have some concerns. Does M *know* that S is still technically married (whether she knows WHO he is married to is inconsequential, to her)? If she already knows this, then there's not much you can do, other than just share your concern. I'd just say something like, "You know I love you, and I want the very best for you. For that reason, I need to say this, and I hope you will hear my heart. I am concerned about your relationship with S, because if he already left one woman, who he is still married to, and is seeing other women, I suspect that he has no sense of real commitment and will, sooner rather than later, leave you for someone else as well. I'd hate to see you go through that kind of hurt. Please just consider what I'm saying before you get too involved with him." Or something along that line… a gentle, but honest, statement of concern is all you can really give here, though. Despite her emotional issues, she's an adult and the decision to look at this objectively must be hers.

As for R, if SHE brings him up, I'd be honest about the fact that you've discovered he is dating M. But if R doesn't bring it up, I wouldn't either, not for now. You have no idea whether the relationship between M and S is going to last for any time at all, so just wait and at least see how it seems to be playing out before you decide whether you need to talk to R about it.

 

[robbins.photo]

and emotional women are often NOT rational women.

Umm... er... well....

Ya, ok, going with a no comment on that one. Lol

 

[otherprof]

M: "Oh yeah . . . I forgot to tell you . . . I'm seeing S, and we have a nice time together."
You: "You don't mean R's husband, do you?"

Then you would find out what she thought she was getting into. Then you could ponder what to do. Which might be nothing.
What would you do if she melted down on the phone?