I just got an e-mail

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by ferny, Dec 19, 2004.

  1. ferny

    ferny TPF Noob!

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    Three men were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
    "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

    "It represents a candle," he said.

    "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

    Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

    The man replied, "They're Carol's."
    …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..


    One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
    Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as quickly as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

    Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her mom was coming to visit, which stressed Santa out even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

    More stress.

    When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.

    Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces.

    So he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

    Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.

    He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just a lovely day? I have this beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?

    Thus began the tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree
    …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

    Christmas Songs For Shrinks


    Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

    Multiple Personalities: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

    Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

    Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

    Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.

    Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.

    Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

    Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, Then Maybe I'll Tell You Why!

    Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock.

    Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (Then Took Away...).

    …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...

    Three men went to heaven with their wives...

    St Peter asked the first one to introduce his wife....
    Sherry he replied...

    On hearing this St Peter said..Sorry Mate you thought too much of Booze for my liking..You even chose a woman called after your favourite tipple...

    Second one introduced his wife as Penny...
    Naw said St Peter, you can't come in here , your only idol on earth was Money...You even chose a woman called after your favourite joy...

    The third husband turned to his wife and said...Let's go home Fanny we are wasting our time, we haven't got a hope of getting in here ......

    …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...

    Barbie's Letter To Santa



    Barbie
    c/o Mattel, Inc.
    El Segundo, CA 90245

    Santa Claus
    North Pole, North Pole
    December 23, 1996

    Dear Santa:

    Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
    Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
    tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
    better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
    trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:


    Santa:

    1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
    How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
    like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

    2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
    cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

    3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

    4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

    5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

    6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

    7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
    a public relations senior account exec!

    8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
    outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

    9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

    10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

    Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
    If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new ***** for next Christmas.

    It's that simple.

    Yours truly,
    Barbie

    ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

    Puppy Christmas


    On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
    The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
    Two leaking bubble lights,
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
    Three punctured ornaments,
    Two leaking bubble lights,
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
    Four broken window candles,
    Three punctured ornaments,
    Two leaking bubble lights,
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
    Five chewed-up stockings,
    Four broken window candles,
    Three punctured ornaments,
    Two leaking bubble lights,
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
    Six yards of soggy ribbon,
    Five chewed-up stockings,
    Four broken window candles,
    Three punctured ornaments,
    Two leaking bubble lights,
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
    Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
    Six yards of soggy ribbon,
    Five chewed-up stockings,
    Four broken window candles,
    Three punctured ornaments,
    Two leaking bubble lights,
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
    Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
    Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
    Six yards of soggy ribbon,
    Five chewed-up stockings,
    Four broken window candles,
    Three punctured ornaments,
    Two leaking bubble lights,
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
    My wreath in nine pieces,
    Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
    Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
    Six yards of soggy ribbon,
    Five chewed-up stockings,
    Four broken window candles,
    Three punctured ornaments,
    Two leaking bubble lights,
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
    Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,
    My wreath in nine pieces,
    Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
    Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
    Six yards of soggy ribbon,
    Five chewed-up stockings,
    Four broken window candles,
    Three punctured ornaments,
    Two leaking bubble lights,
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
    Eleven unwrapped presents,
    Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,
    My wreath in nine pieces,
    Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
    Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
    Six yards of soggy ribbon,
    Five chewed-up stockings,
    Four broken window candles,
    Three punctured ornaments,
    Two leaking bubble lights,
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
    A dozen puppy kisses...
    And I forgot all about the other eleven days.

    …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

    What If It Had Been 3 Wise WOMEN??


    Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise
    Women instead of three Wise Men ?

    Women would say:

    They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
    the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought
    practical gifts.


    And Men would say : Do you know what they said would have said when they
    left?

    "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"

    "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"

    "Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in the
    house?"

    "I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"

    "And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"

    "Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole
    dish back?"
    …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...

    Reindeer Facts......


    REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME....

    According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both
    male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,
    male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter,
    usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain
    their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

    Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting
    Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to
    Blitzen, had to be a girl.

    We should've known -- ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass
    man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and
    not get lost.
    ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

    Wrapping Presents With Dogs


    1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
    2. Get tape back from puppy.
    3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
    4. Open box.
    5. Take puppy out of box.
    6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
    7. Take scissors away from puppy.
    8. Put present in box.
    9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.
    10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
    11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.
    12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.
    13. Take tape away from older dog.
    14. Unroll paper.
    15. Take puppy OFF box.
    16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that
    is getting in the way as he "helps."
    17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.
    18. Take puppy off box.
    19. Wrap paper around box.
    20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.
    21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
    22. Take scissors away from puppy.
    23. Take tape older dog is holding.
    24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog &
    sitting on them again.
    25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.
    26. Take bow from older dog.
    27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
    28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
    29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
    30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the
    paper on.
    31. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff
    no longer sticks.
    32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries
    to eat pen.
    33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.
    34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with
    remnants of wrapping paper.
    35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good
    helpers they are.
     
  2. Hertz van Rental

    Hertz van Rental TPF Noob!

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    And why is Santa so jolly?


    Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!




    (Just for you Corry ;-) )
     
  3. Nytmair

    Nytmair TPF Noob!

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    hmmm it seems like i've heard that one before :)
     
  4. Corry

    Corry Flirtacious and Bodacious Supporting Member

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    That joke is awesome! I've told it at work already! :)
     

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