Corry's Joke of the Day Thread

[clarinetJWD]

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

Today's Joke in audio form!!! (mild language)

 

[Corry]

FUNNIEST AUDIO CLIP I'VE HEARD IN A LONG TIME!!!!!

 

[GoM]

A girl said she was "feeling butter"

She asked me if I was "feeling butter"

And I tol' her, "I'm only feeling margarinely butter."

 

[Corry]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

[airgunr]

Been awhile since there has been a new one added....

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos=MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'...he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

 

[iflynething]

Did you hear about the Energizer bunny getting arrested.


He was charged with battery.


~Michael~


I gotta keep up with this thread

 

[dklod]

An ex-army grandfather is in a family restaurant with his grandson. The young bloke is demonstrating how he can catch a dollar coin with his mouth after flipping it in the air. Suddenly, he starts choking, going blue in the face. The old digger realises he has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help..

A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting quietly in the corner, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the table, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the room. Reaching the young man, the woman carefully unzips his pants takes hold of his nuts and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then even more firmly. After a few seconds he convulses violently and coughs up the dollar coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the lad, the woman hands the coin to the grandfather and walks back to her seat in the restaurant without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his grandson has suffered no lasting ill effects, the old digger rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replies,' I work for the Australian Taxation Office.'

 

[iflynething]

Three men walked into a bar, you woulda thought the third one woulda seen it

~Michael~