...Even funnier is the notion that UV filters will hurt images...
Everything placed between the sensor and subject will affect the image. The degree of effect and/or degradation is dependant on many factors, optical quality being chief among them. A high-quality UV filter will probably have little apparent effect on IQ, but it will have an effect.
I can't say that I've ever seen a lens element scratched by improper cleaning either; I've seen a few where the coating has been worn off, but that tends to be on older lenses when coating technology was relatively new and unsophisticated.
With respect to your assertion that UV filters are "plain, flat glass", that is incorrect. Yes, EVERYTHING filters UV light, even the atmosphere attentuates UV to some degree, HOWEVER UV filters have additional attenuation built in to their design. If you do want a "protection filter", at least for digital work, why not simply buy a high-quality clear optical "filter" from B+W, Heliopan or other reputable maker?