Funny Jokes & Funny pictures

[henrythomas]

Hi There ! Enjoy & continue to share jokes.
The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”

 

[xfactor2000]

Here's a couple of jokes

- Why don't sharks bite lawyers?
- Professional courtesy

- How can you tell when the lawyer is lying?
- His lips are moving!

And finally...

A lawyer is attending a doctor, asking him which side is best to lie on
-The one that pays more, - the doctor replies

Cheers!

 

[harvey3]

whahahah!
I have a lawyer friend! LOL!

 

[Tiberius47]

Three surgeons are discussing which are their favorite patients.

The first surgeon says, "I like operating on the Japanese. When you open them up, everything is always miniturised and high tech."

The second says, "I like operating on the Germans. They're always so efficient and well laid out on the inside."

The third says, "I like operating on politicians."

The first two look at him and say, "Why?!"

And the third explains: "There's no guts, no heart, no spine, no moving parts, and the mouth and the ass are interchangable!"

 

[Russell S]

 

[PatrickHMS]

A really dumb Texan got lucky and won the bigest lottery in a long time, and one of the first things he bought himself was a brand new airplane, and he learned to fly.

One day soon after he got his private pilot's license, he took a friend up flying, and they had engine trouble, so they had to make an emergency landing at an airport that he was unfamiliar with. The tower they contacted by radio warned them to be careful, that the runway was a little on the short side, especially with the pilot being so new and still inexperienced.

After landing, as the plane came to a stop with the front wheel JUST off the edge of the paved surface, the pilot wiped his brow with his sleeve, sighed, and said "That has to be the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen..."

The guy with him looked way to the right, then he looked way to the left, and exclaimed, "Yeah, but DANG, ain't it WIDE?"



Same rich Texan, in a Waffle House, talking about how big the ranch he just bought was ~ "I have so much property, that I can get in my truck and drive all day, and still never get to the edge of my ranch" he said in a bragadocious way.

The cowboy sitting close by, overhearing him, said "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, I used to have a truck like that too..."



Two old retired men sitting on a park bench on Miami Beach. One was talking about the businesses he had owned in the past, saying that it seemed like every time he got his business built up like he wanted, the building would get burned up in a fire and destroy the business and he would have to start over.

The other guy sitting with him, said that the same thing happened to him, but that his business was destroyed in floods, two different times.

The first guy got a puzzled look on his face, scratched his head, and asked the other guy "Yeah, but how do you start a flood?"



Why did it take 4 Boy Scouts to help the little old lady cross the street?
...cause she didn't want to go...



A blonde coed was so proud of herself, she told her girlfriend that she had finally memorized the capital of EVERY state in the USA. Her brunette girlfriend asked her to prove it, betting that she didn't really know them all.
"Yes I do" the blonde exclaimed proudly. "The capital of Alabama is "A", the capital of Florida is "F", the capital of Virginia is "V", the capital of Oklahoma is, is, ohI yeah, I know...."O".



I also know a TON of stupid old elephant jokes....

Mebbe I better quit while I'm ahead....

 

[PatrickHMS]

11 year-old Joey's father was REALLY upset, because Joey had been playing on the farm tractor, driving it around, and he hit the old outhouse with the tractor and knocked it over...

His father came to him, and asked him if he did it, and Joey remembered his father recently telling him the story about honest George Washington, who told the truth to his father when he was asked if he cut down the Cherry tree.

Remembering the recent story, Joey confessed that he had knocked over the outhouse, but his father still took him over his knee and began to light into his beehind.

"Why are you punishing me Dad? I told you the truth, just like the story you told me about George Washington and the Cherry Tree."

"I know, son" the father said, "but George Washington's father wasn't IN the Cherry tree when George cut it down..."

 

[Tiberius47]

The boy comes home late from school.

"Where have you been?" demands the boy's dad.

"Well," says the boy, "I decided not to catch the school bus today, and I saved myself a dollar!"

The father hits the boy on the back of the head. "You idiot! You should have decided not to catch a taxi! You would have saved yourself TEN dollars!"