I wrote a poem :)

er111a · Jan 8, 2012

Redemption
It was never suppose to end like this,
We had started out so well,
Yet in that tiny room,
That use to be so swell,
Turned into an absolute hell,

I guess I should have guessed,
That we would not last,
It was fun while it persisted,
I sure had a blast,
However, I must say good-bye as I raise my final glass,

Please accept my final good byes,
Moreover, never forget those good times,
Like the relics of our past life,
Or the time we collected dimes,
Until we passed out sucking on limes,

Now I must go my forgotten love,
As you will, I too will suffer,
Bitterness will surely follow,
This can only get tougher,
And certainly much rougher,

Years have flown by like the sands of time,
Do you even remember me?
The pain has ceased,
And I no longer stay up and plea,
I only wished you that you could see,

A new person I have transformed too,
The likes of one that attracts just one,
She walks around with such a stance,
That my heart cannot help but be redone,
I am certain that I may have finally won,

Another room I find myself,
I cannot help but think,
The irony is just so great,
That at the end of this eye blink,
She would still wink,

True love I see within,
It could never come from emption,
Because within your arms,
Is a broken heart exemption,
Could it be that you were my redemption?
-Er111a
thoughts?

Bitter Jeweler · Jan 9, 2012

You've got some rather awkward word choices there, bub.

Fix your disjointed simile.

You change time frames mid stanza.

To many forced, similar, rhymes.

Your rhyming pattern is all over the place, which effects the tempo.

Emption? Really?

Easily polished though.

er111a · Jan 9, 2012

Bitter Jeweler said:
You've got some rather awkward word choices there, bub.

Fix your disjointed simile.

You change time frames mid stanza.

To many forced, similar, rhymes.

Your rhyming pattern is all over the place, which effects the tempo.

Emption? Really?

Easily polished though.