The beer scooter

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Darfion, Feb 2, 2004.

  1. Darfion

    Darfion Soapbox guru...

    Jun 13, 2003
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    Wigan, Lancashire
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    How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
    drinking and thought "How on earth did I get home?" As hard as you try, you cannot
    piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

    The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

    The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the
    drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large
    batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following

    The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
    gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus (or one of his many
    sub-contractors) detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer

    The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom
    via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion
    of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.

    This answers the second question after a night out "How did I spend
    Much money?"

    Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to
    be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
    An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
    segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
    dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.

    This answers a third question after a night out "What the hell happened?"

    With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
    Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order,
    those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is
    not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
    discussions over a period of time.

    Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
    Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
    the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

    For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
    other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending).
    These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you
    tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.
    Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in
    the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains
    the bruised shins.
    The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the
    TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently
    get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

    PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get
    home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt

  2. mrsid99

    mrsid99 TPF Supporters Supporting Member

    Mar 8, 2003
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    Now that's the first reasonable explanation I've ever heard!

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