Update on Tommie...

[MLeeK]

So many of you had offered to help us out with Tommie back when I was venting about the whole winter coat thing I thought I'd update everyone on where things are today:
On 10/3 we went to court for the first time. His mother requested the Public Defender's office represent her so we were left in limbo until the 10/29 court date. She was ordered to call him every night at 8:30; to attend his football game that weekend and to see him on Sunday afternoon in a public location.
Well, she didn't call him until nearly a week later and then claimed he was supposed to call her even though we had specifically asked that she call him because he did not want to call her. She knew. She did not attend his football game. She did not see him that Sunday and finally 2 weeks later I sent her a text saying basically she hadn't seen him yet and if there was any problem we'd make him available to her whenever she needed, just let us know. Her response was that she'd see what came up in the next week or so. She did finally see him one Sunday, but finally quit calling him and refuses to call because we own too many phones. She's had to call mine and my husband's because two different nights he was with Randy when she called mine.
When she found out that he had an attorney she started to tell him that she couldn't talk, had to go every evening when he'd call her. She never talked to him again for more than a minute.
I've turned my cell records over to the court. Thank God for cell phones!

We returned to court on 10/29 and her attorney moved to dismiss the whole case based on the fact that we are not a direct relative and that she didn't think I had a license and I was driving him around. That didn't work for her. I pulled out my license and that was the end of the discussion on that.
His attorney answered that with a statement that if the court were to dismiss the petition he would immediately file a petition placing Tommie into Foster Care.
CPS was present and said that they supported our petition for custody and if he were to be sent back to his mother they would have to intervene.
The judge asked if she had been seeing or talking to him and she said we were not allowing it. Did I mention THANK GOD FOR CELL PHONES? I had my cell records ready. The attorney had those AND all text messages which were very solicitous to her-and very pissy from her.
She's been in 3 homes plus the women and children's shelter since we filed the petition and the attorney expressed a great concern for this as one of the homes they had to leave due to a shotgun being pulled on the 20 year old daughter who lives with her-or she lives with. Then they were in a home for a week or so when the guy that they were staying with went to jail for drugs. Then they went to the shelter, and now they are rumored to be in one of the well known crack houses on the other side of the county. I say rumored to be because she refused to tell the judge where she's living other than it's a secure home.
The judge asked who Andrew and Liz were and I said that they are her oldest daughter and my son, they live in Arizona or they'd have petitioned. She broke my heart when she then said "she's no daughter of mine." This would be because she took custody of the older brother a couple of years ago and The Mom believes that she is behind much of what I am doing with this case. She has helped me, but it's been in providing him with his social security number and getting him in contact with the family that is in the DC area. Evidently Mom thinks that Liz is some kind of driving force behind me. WHY? I don't have a darned clue.

We were awarded placement and ordered to allow her to talk with him on the phone at 8:30 every night and to see her on Sundays for 2 hours in Tim Horton's. We have a pre-trial session on 12/3.
The attorney tells us that at the pre-trial we will present an outline of the evidence we intend to bring up at trial as will CPS and try to force her into an agreement. She will have the opportunity to do the same. The idea is to force her into an agreement of some sort. I am open to nearly any agreement except for joint custody or her getting custody. She is welcomed to have all of the visitation she can possibly want with him, unlimited access to him via phone or just to drop in if she should ever bother. I *think* I am easy going about it, but perhaps the refusal to give joint to her is not so easy going. There is a LOT of reason why joint would never fly with CPS anyway.

Since we went to court she has seen him Sunday and talked to him at least for a minute (and I mean that literally) every night. He did NOT want to go see her, but we encouraged him to go and tell her about his new wrestling coaches and practice... He knew he had to go, but he just didn't want to. She's a very negative person and is rather venomous. She doesn't mask to Tommie what she thinks of us and doesn't hesitate to tell him that we're _____________. and that blank can be filled in with any nasty word you can think of. He has had some GOOD conversations with her on the phone and that is something I am taking great comfort in. He has never in his life been the focus of her attention for even a few minutes. The conversations he has with her she actually talks TO HIM and has to spend a few minutes making an effort where he is concerned. He came down the other night after talking with her and said "that's the longest conversation I've ever had with my mom in my life!" So, I think this is the best he's ever gotten from her. I'll take my gifts wherever I can find them here!
She's told him that when this is over they're moving to TN. When he told us that he told us as if it were her and the other daughter and grand-daughter. Although I am pretty sure that Mom thinks it means Tommie too and was telling him he'd be leaving NY. Or I could be wrong and she's telling him that once she loses that they'll be gone. I hope she's looking at it as if she's taking him because to think she's preparing to just leave him breaks my heart

Today I finished up his paperwork at Social Security and his survivor's benefits will be released to us for him in approximately 10 days. THANK GOD. Because he too is wrestling and he needs everything-shoes, compression shorts, warm ups, head gear, socks... There's a few hundred bucks! I turned it in at the schools and doctors and everywhere else that I was so limited in what I could do for him!

too.

Summary: We're doing FANTASTIC with him. He gets to the doctor to get caught up on some vaccinations and to have his throat looked at tomorrow afternoon-finally! He's with us at the very least until January and the lawyer sees no problems with the temporary placement being permanent at that point too. In all? A GREAT victory here!
Thanks, everyone for your support for him and us! I wish I could begin to tell you about all of the joys this has brought us. THere are tons of very little things that are just amazing!

 

[pixmedic]

don't hesitate to post if you need anything for him. we mean that. our offer to help still stands.

 

[MLeeK]

don't hesitate to post if you need anything for him. we mean that. our offer to help still stands.

I know! You guys are awesome!
Just moral support needed!

 

[kathyt]

So, I just read through your previous thread and now the update and what a hero you are to take this young boy in at such a critical stage in his life. I can only imagine what he has been through in his short life from just reading about his mothers choices. As a mother myself, I can't imagine not having my own child in my life on a constant basis. So obviously his mothers' priorities are completely out of whack. Thank god you and your husband have been there to literally save him. From what it sounds like, even though money will be tight for a while, and things might get a little stressful dealing with the mother, that you are finding this to be a true blessing in disguise. I wish you guys the best and I wish there were more people like you in this world.

 

[sm4him]

Tommie is a very fortunate young man to have your family in his life to help him find stability, acceptance and love--and healthy relationships, none of which he was evidently going to get from his natural mother.
As pixmedic said, you need anything to help out with him, you say the word.

Glad things are progressing pretty well, about as well as can really be expected under the circumstances. Hopefully before too long, you will get permanent custody.

 

[unpopular]

I don't think you have to worry about joint custody. It is extremely unpopular these days, even in parental custody cases. The most likely situation will either be foster care, temporary placement with you or adoption by you, if that is something that's on your table, or placement back with her. Being that CPS has already stated that wouldn't last, the court isn't going to want to revisit the case in a few weeks.

I do think that the whole kinship thing may become problematic, and her defense attorney should be focussing on that more. So far though, he seems like he's all over the place with his arguments.

Still, even if kinship is an issue, then Tommy would be placed with CPS, and I don't think there is anything stopping CPS from placing Tommy with you should he go into foster care.

But joint custody just doesn't make sense, and would require his mother be fit. If that were the case, they'd just return him to her.

 

[MLeeK]

I hope so too, Sharon! Thanks, Kathy!
We had MANY discussions of are we able to take on this kind of responsibility and many times when we asked ourselves if we were ready to commit to the next 7 years of teenage drama. My mom and dad both said "are you SURE you want to do that? This isn't like a puppy, you know!." And we worried about it, but at some point you realize that you really don't have a choice in it and you can live with all of the teenage horror stories more than you can live with the idea of sending him back home.
Like I said, we worried: we worried about integrating him into our home with our very outspoken, spoiled, mouthy and self centered kids (we didn't realize how spoiled and self centered they were until we got Tommmie!) We worried about all of those things that happen in any teenager's life, the good the bad and the ugly and we still do, but honestly? It's not as bad as it seems when you are looking at making that commitment.

Truth is, he's a really good kid-pretty typical of kids who are trying to cover for a neglectful or abusive parent. We are celebrating when he does get in trouble for something because he's feeling secure enough to do something to get in trouble for! I am sure that somewhere in the next 5 to 7 years we'll have some bumps in the road, but honestly? It's been SO MANY great things for us. We've learned some things about our own kids we were amazed by. A few things we didn't like so much either, but most of it was good. They've accepted him as their brother in ways that shock me. I thought for sure we'd have growing pains, especially seeing how our 15 year old is a bit cantankerous and has 0 patience. The two at home have had to give some things up-our son had to give up half of his room for a few months, clothing... he's had to share just about everything. Our daughter has been the taxi driver and it's taken a LOT of time from her. They've had to put off the usual major fall shopping for much smaller school shopping, we skipped our late summer trip... you name it, they've really felt the pinch and they've not complained or ever let him know that they are feeling the pinch. NOT something we expected with NO complaints or bumps.
We've gotten to see him go school shopping for the first time in his life at age 13 and that was an experience EVERYONE should have gotten to see.
I just can't describe to you the good things that we've experienced. I could go on and on and on for days. It's also making us be better people. We are having to be very careful that we only encourage him towards his mom and that we always think carefully about our words, choices and actions. That's been GREAT with our kids.

We have been blessed far more than what we have given.

 

[MLeeK]

I don't think you have to worry about joint custody. It is extremely unpopular these days, even in parental custody cases. The most likely situation will either be foster care, temporary placement with you or adoption by you, if that is something that's on your table, or placement back with her. Being that CPS has already stated that wouldn't last, the court isn't going to want to revisit the case in a few weeks.

I do think that the whole kinship thing may become problematic, and her defense attorney should be focussing on that more. So far though, he seems like he's all over the place with his arguments.

Still, even if kinship is an issue, then Tommy would be placed with CPS, and I don't think there is anything stopping CPS from placing Tommy with you should he go into foster care.

But joint custody just doesn't make sense, and would require his mother be fit. If that were the case, they'd just return him to her.

Not that I wouldn't adopt, but we aren't asking for anything other than physical custody. I firmly believe that the kids should have a relationship with her. She is their mom and she's the only one they get. Just because he has us doesn't negate her as his mother. We believe they should have the best possible relationship possible with her.
We've already been told that they cannot reverse this temp arrangement at the next court date. It can only be done at the trial. Should it go to trial the evidence against her is incredibly overwhelming. CPS has stated they support our petition and they've done their homework too, so I am pretty confident that there will be no reversal.

As for kinship: in the state of NY ANY party can initiate a custody petition. Does not have to be a relative. I am not concerned by it and if it does become problematic there is money in a fund put together by his aunts in DC (Dad's sisters AS WELL AS MOM's!) to fly Liz home to take custody of him-which she'd sign guardianship to me anyway to keep him in the school here. So, we have a contingency plan.

I THINK we've covered our bases, but if you can think of any other possibilities PLEASE SHARE! I am sure there's something I haven't thought of!

 

[unpopular]

I was under the impression that permanent custody=adoption, but, as you know, my wife informed me otherwise.

If the kinship thing isn't a legal issue, then yeah, it seems like the defense attorney is just kind of grasping at straws. It must be so frustrating. EVERYONE knows how this will end one way or another, but the mother keeps pushing on.

 

[manaheim]

As mentioned previously, I love Mleek.

Glad things are going well.

 

[MLeeK]

I was under the impression that permanent custody=adoption, but, as you know, my wife informed me otherwise.

If the kinship thing isn't a legal issue, then yeah, it seems like the defense attorney is just kind of grasping at straws. It must be so frustrating. EVERYONE knows how this will end one way or another, but the mother keeps pushing on.

You're so right.
She doesn't seem to get that we WANT her in his life, she's convinced we're feeding him full of lies and horror stories about her. We've always been very very careful not to say anything negative about her to him or to his other brother. In fact, I've butted heads with Liz's therapist who says she should just divorce her mother from her life. I don't think that is ever a solution. You can't change her and divorcing her isn't going to help anyone. I think that she should limit her mother's power in her life and have the best possible relationship she can. We've encouraged all 3 kids to let her flaws go and to focus on the good seeing how they don't have to worry about the bad now.
BUT... that's exactly what she does. When she talks to him she's got a LOT of venom to spout about us.

Sharon and I were just sharing similar stories about people like this and how they manage to hang themselves in this situation. They speak ill of the other parent/person when the other person does not speak ill back. Kids are smart little buggers! It's the one who says the inappropriate things about the other who always looks like the bad guy to the kid in the end.
Whether you consider it Karma, or living by the bible or whatever religious belief it's true. The rewards DO come to those who take that high moral road, even though it may not seem so at first.

 

[unpopular]

You know, I know!

my wife's father was the same way. he even gave me the lecture about how "he's not sure what [her mother] has been saying about him, but..."

the truth is, my mother in law never says ANYTHING bad about him, she's let her kids make up their own mind. And now that she's old enough to see beyond "mom and dad" there's a lot of ugliness on his part. Her mother never needed to say anything bad; he's his own undoing.

the result of a guilty conscience I suppose.