Complaint of the year

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Darfion, Dec 6, 2003.

  1. Darfion

    Darfion Soapbox guru...

    Jun 13, 2003
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    Wigan, Lancashire
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    The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer
    complaint letter sent to NTL (from their complaints dept....)

    Dear Cretins,

    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
    3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
    three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
    previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
    monolithic proportions. Please allow me to
    provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional
    prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or
    more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading
    material as you
    while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog
    in your office:

    My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
    spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
    your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
    minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
    Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....

    I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an
    activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

    The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
    the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
    drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
    had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
    arrived...six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I
    estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between
    about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.

    I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
    mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
    variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems
    also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

    I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
    call me back); that no telephone line is available (and
    someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who
    knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
    that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer
    machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will
    be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
    Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

    Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
    thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
    those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
    care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in
    print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore,
    if I continue.

    I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
    god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
    disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
    service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there
    isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
    to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
    useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
    distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order.

    British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of
    success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
    limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile
    and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
    you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
    services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed
    to deliver- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
    disbelief -quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps
    bemused rage.

    I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
    tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
    your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
    become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time
    of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
    experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

    Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's
    worthless employees.

    Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
    irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

  2. mrsid99

    mrsid99 TPF Supporters Supporting Member

    Mar 8, 2003
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    Absolutely brilliant!
    Only the British could compose such thoughtful prose!
    There are a few references, such as NTL, that I haven't heard of (it was still the Gippos when I left) but it did my heart good to see someone use the language so well.
    Thank you and keep posting!
  3. altyfc

    altyfc TPF Noob!

    Dec 4, 2003
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  4. havoc

    havoc Jedi something or other

    Aug 23, 2003
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    Portland Oregon, USA
    That is by far the best complaint letter i have ever read. Previously working in customer service i have read some doozies, but that was bloody brilliant!
  5. manda

    manda instigator of pottymouthedness

    May 25, 2003
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    the words twat and cretin should be used more commonly
  6. mrsid99

    mrsid99 TPF Supporters Supporting Member

    Mar 8, 2003
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    Depends on which grade you're teaching.

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