The photo has some very nice lighting and I think you went down a good road for the shot. Personally I just have a couple of critiques for it.
I feel the makeup is very glamorous and vibrant, the photo contradicts this with a dark mood. Sometimes contrast adds to a photo, but I think in this case it contradicts the major theme in a negative way (basically not adding anything).
The main reason I have come to this conclusion is because of the smile actually, it looks hopeful and endearing. Generally speaking the subject truly sets the mood of the photo and to take such a pop of personality and throw them into this very close and dark shot does not add anything beneficial.
Again this is something that can be broken, and if it is to your artistic taste than what I say has little merit. I am just trying to bring to light a different thought than what you may have had for the subject I think a proper setting to emphasize her what looks to be a bubbly personality would bring this simple shot into a "wow" world.
Something simple as bringing in that warm light source even more, this would contradict the cool makeup adding interest, while enhancing her positive looking attitude.
Granted this is done in post with a jpeg and not a raw file so I was limitted, but essentially this: