I've never seen a Coffee Shop Perfect Portrait before, but if this is the effect, I don't care for it.
As far as the original goes, this is a handsome young man and I really like the look he is emoting. Kinda reminds me of the John Wayne film, The Cowboys. Your camera position is good. However, the shoulders being rolled forward contradicts that emotion and makes him seem smaller. A better body position IMO would be to have the shoulders square to the camera.
The lighting is flat and I would've prefered some shadow on one side or the other to enhance the determined look he is giving off. There is some subtle detail (that the edited version kills) in the background of being in a stable. I would think that some additional lighting to show some more of that detail and to separate him from the blackness to be an improvement. Not much is needed, only a kiss of light.
Thanks for sharing.